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Family Circus, 12/19/13

I’m really enjoying Big Daddy Keane’s facial expression in this panel. That’s the look of a man who could not possibly give fewer shits about elves. He was willing to play along and list all the reindeer — that was a tradition, after all — but if this kid thinks the two of them are going to sit around and try to remember the names of, like, Legolas’s brothers or whatever, he’s got another thing coming. This explains his awkward hand placement as well: originally he was planning on picking Jeffy up and carrying him around, but if the kid’s on another one of his damn elf kicks, Daddy will be gingerly putting him down and slowly backing away.

Crankshaft, 12/19/13

Traumatized by the looming prospect of genuine emotional intimacy with another human being, Crankshaft sits alone, getting blotto. Did you know when a character in a comic strip gets super drunk not from drinking alcohol but rather from eating rum-soaked cookies, it’s hilarious, not sad? Crankshaft knows this!

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Crankshaft, 12/14/12

Hey, all, have you been curious about why exactly Crankshaft has introduced a new character, who is cheerful and competent and thus hated by Crankshaft but also sad and lonely and abandoned by her family, into the strip? Well, now you know: she’s Crankshaft’s new love interest. that’s right, they’re going to make sex to each other, probably still wearing their Santa outfits. Happy holidays! (I took the Christ out of Christmas there because the whole scenario would make Baby Jesus cry.)

Apartment 3-G, 12/14/13

I haven’t really been able to figure out what the deal is with Cole’s doctor in Apartment 3-G, beyond the fact that he’s a creep with inconsistent character design. (Ha ha, it’s kind of funny that when I see two wildly different people presented as doctors in this strip, my assumption is not “there are multiple physicians working on the same case” but rather “jeez, Apartment 3-G artist and colorists, get it together.”) Anyway, Doctor “Doc” Whoever continues to be vaguely off-putting today, and also continues to deal with Lu Ann as if she has some relationship to his patient beyond “former art teacher of daughter.” What could this mysterious Christmas gift be? “Surprise! It’s a new brain for Cole, your not-boyfriend! A brain is what he needs, right? I sure hope so, it’s been out of the fridge for a while and it’s gonna go bad soon.”

Wizard of Id, 12/14/13

There’s obviously a lot to object to in this cartoon, but the one thing I can’t get past is the idea that Id is somehow one of the 20 most economically powerful nations in the faux-medieval hell dimension where it exists.

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Hi and Lois, 12/7/13

I’m sort of fascinated by the roller-coaster of facial expressions Hi is treating us to here. In panel one, he’s staring at Thirsty’s gut in shock and disbelief, as if he’s thinking “My God, he’s right! Everything they’ve told us about beer guts is a lie! What’s the point of avoiding beer if you’re still going to get fat? What’s the point of anything?” But in panel two, he switches to cruel superiority. “Ha ha, Thirsty, man does not grow fat on beer alone! Meat and bread are also full of calories! The world makes sense once again, though now that I know you’ve given up beer without any kind of introspective look at why you were so dependent on alcohol in the first place, it’s going to be even more pleasingly cutting to call you ‘Thirsty.'”

Crankshaft, 12/7/13

Turns out yesterday’s mind-bending encounter was just Crankshaft getting a mystical and terrifying glimpse into his own future, which has shaken his very soul. Naturally not only does nobody believe him, but they’re all very ostentatiously laughing at him, because this is a strip where none of the characters are capable of pity or empathy of any kind.

Herb and Jamaal, 12/7/13

Have you ever dreaded going to your mind-numbing, unfulfilling job and thought that, even though you’d be less well off in terms of material possessions, you’d be happier and more satisfied with a spiritual calling that allowed you to help your neighbors and give glory to God? Well, Herb and Jamaal’s Rev. Croom and I have got some bad news for you.