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Marvin, 5/15/09

One of Marvin’s favorite time-padding techniques/crimes against humanity involves taking a joke that, at first, seems to be not particularly funny, and then repeating it every day for a week until you literally want to tear your own eyes out of your head just so you can be sure that you’ll never see Marvin again. The current running joke (which at least features less recycled art than Belly Laffs did) is that Marvin is in some kind of dream sequence in which all of his family members appear as stick figures, and utter stilted sentences that contain the word “stick” as the punchline-like conclusion. This was bad enough — in fact, my description doesn’t even do how bad enough it was justice — except that the stick figures Marvin encountered became less and less stick figure-esque over the course of the week until we got to Friday’s strip, in which his grandfather, though more poorly drawn than usual, exhibits exactly zero stick figure-like characteristics. At least he still says the word “stick,” though! ‘Cause that’s the payoff. See how they put it in italics there? Ha ha! Stick!

Crankshaft, 5/15/09

So Pam was terribly anxious that her daughter might be streaking at her graduation, until she remembered that she was in the buff at her own graduation, back in the day, which has caused a sudden onset of smugness, presumably at her own daring and/or hotness. Her husband is profoundly aroused by the thought, if by “profoundly aroused” we mean “gripped by panic and bordering on a major cardiac event,” and since this is the Funky Winkerbean universe, that is exactly what we mean by “profoundly aroused.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/09

Yesterday, Andy categorically refused to do anything NOW on Mark’s cue, so it appears that today Mark has simply hurled the enormous St. Bernard at his enemy. The real question, though, is what exactly went on between Andy and the non-bald baddie between the two panels that left both evil-doers looking so shaken and depressed.

Judge Parker, 5/15/09

“We’re also delighted that you’re holding your head at that angle so our readers can get a good look at your fabulous mullet! Market research has shown that mullets are one of the most popular things to appear in this strip, right behind tits.”

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Crankshaft, 5/12/09

If the signature facial expression in Funky Winkerbean is the smirk that can’t come close to masking the pain, the signature facial expression in Crankshaft is the overwrought look of stricken horror that accompanies social embarrassment or discomfort. “Oh, no, my old father-in-law has forgotten that he will die soon!” “Oh, no, someone expressed an intimate sentiment in public!” “Oh, no, my son’s entry-level job doesn’t pay well!”

I have no idea why Pam is horrified today, mostly because I have no idea what the ’Shaft’s granddaughter is talking about here; probably she’s glad the robe is all-covering because she’s going to go streaking, or wear a bikini, or get a tattoo, or something, in which case Pam’s facial expression would mean “Oh, no, she’s planning on celebrating her graduation by having a good time!”

Baldo, 5/12/09

Tia Carmen is ever haunted by the grim specter of death, and her single slice of birthday pie cannot make her forget the creeping dread.

Lockhorns, 5/12/09

Meetings of the Hemlock Society are never particularly lively.

Mary Worth, 5/12/09

“You should judge everyone based on his own actions! For instance, you should judge your new friend based on the fact that he’s starting up an inappropriate romantic relationship with a key witness in an ongoing criminal investigation!”

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Spider-Man, 5/10/09

Against all odds, Spider-Man actually managed to defeat a super-villain! Naturally, this unheard-of triumph came because Spidey exploited Electro’s love for his son, not because he bested him in super-powered combat. Humbled by the fact that his mad scheme to make extort a fortune by cutting off electricity to millions caused his son a relatively minor injury, the moronically clad baddie will now meekly submit himself to imprisonment.

The greatest thing about this strip, of course, is the final panel’s NEXT! box. For while Electro was willing to face years in prison just to make sure his boy was all right, Peter dumped Aunt May unceremoniously in the parking lot of the hospital after the blackout caused her to have a minor heart-based freakout. Hopefully the next few days will feature Peter going about his business while the NEXT! box prompts him with increasing urgency: “NEXT! No, seriously shouldn’t you be checking up on her?”

Mary Worth, 5/10/09

“He’s a Nigerian gentleman! It seems that he was an official in the military government that held sway there in the mid 1990s, and has access to a Swiss bank account that contains millions in oil money! He says that he needs my help to get it out, and that he will donate most of it to charity, but that I’ll get a cut for my assistance … doesn’t it sound exciting?”

Crankshaft, 5/10/09

Crankshaft and Rose try to give their grandchildren a coded plea for help about the hell of elder abuse that their life has become, but the kids are too dense to pick up on it.