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Crankshaft, 6/8/19

So it turns out the big announcement Max and his girlfriend were teasing on Tuesday is that they were planning on incorporating their movie theater business. A smarter thing to do would probably be to register as an arts nonprofit, but never mind that for the moment, because they’re also going to have a baby, which makes the whole “we’ve got a big announcement!” switcharoo particularly weird and mean. Why not tell Pam something that’d make her happy? I dunno, probably because it’s the Funkyverse where nobody’s happy and nobody deserves to be happy!

Judge Parker, 6/8/19

OH SNAP

IT’S JUDGE-ON-JUDGE CRIME

YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS HONOR AMONG JUDGES? NOT WITH THIS JUDGE, BUDDY

Actually, I wonder which judge just put Judge Parker Emeritus behind bars? Please be Randy please be Randy please be Randy

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Dick Tracy, 6/4/19

Well, it turns out the reason Little Orphan Annie is returning to Dick Tracy is because Daddy Warbucks’s second wife gave some testimony in a criminal case years ago, but the cops lost it (?) and now they need to talk to her again, but she’s disappeared and Daddy Warbucks doesn’t want to talk about her! Today we learn that this is probably because … he murdered her? On a boat? And yeah, the authorities should have investigated, but really, “rich, politically connected guy kills his wife in international waters” just isn’t a high-reward prosecution, honestly, which is why we’re only bringing it up now that we have a gangster with a facial deformity and corresponding nickname we need to put away.

Crankshaft, 6/4/19

If you ever need evidence that the Funkyverse is where joy goes to die, you could just present panel one of today’s Crankshaft, in which Pam and Jeff brace themselves for what seems like it’s going to be a happy announcement from their son and his girlfriend in their own particular way, which for Pam is “staring wide-eyed in absolute panic” and for Jeff is “crossing arms defiantly and glowering with contempt.”

Funky Winkerbean, 6/4/19

Of course, if that’s too subtle, you could also just point out today’s Funky Winkerbean, in which a little boy threatens to vomit on his grandmother.

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Mary Worth, 4/6/19

Hmm, it seems that “Arthur Z”‘s supposed full name is in fact “Arthur Zerro,” aka A. Zero! It’s like he’s leaving little breadcrumbs to make the fact that he’s a scam artist and a loser obvious. Presumably he’s undermining his own grift because deep down he despises himself and wants to be caught, which is lucky for our heroes because that’s pretty much the only way this crew of dingbats is going to actually catch him.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/6/19

You know, Funky Winkerbean isn’t just about jokes that one character tells and then another character doesn’t get it because it’s too obscure or poorly worded. Sometimes it’s about jokes that one character tells and then another character understands it perfectly fine but doesn’t appreciate it because it’s actually pretty condescending.

Crankshaft, 4/6/19

Crankshaft is a fun comic strip about a middle aged couple and how they deal with an elderly parent living with them! The way they cope is by becoming alcoholics.