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Mary Worth, 8/5/17

Remember, whether a guy is a ruggedly handsome but troubled mid-fortysomething alpha or a whiny, passive-aggressive early-thirtysomething beta, he has a lot of potential techniques for convincing a 19-year-old to make the terrible decision to sleep with him, and pretty high on the list is the “you seem so mature!” gambit. Don’t worry, though, nobody who’s ever tried to flirt by saying “you’ve surprised me again, [first and last name of the person I’m flirting with]” has ever actually had sex.

Blondie, 8/5/17

I pretty much assume that most legacy comics are written by aging men who get a lot of inspiration by looking at the news/today’s society and saying “What the hell is this about,” and as an aging man myself, I find this impulse more and more relatable. For instance, did you know that this treadmill bike is apparently a real thing, and that its inventor came up with it trying to answer the question “How can I use the treadmill outdoors?” He deserves every bit of roasting the Blondie-industrial complex can heap upon him, in my cranky old opinion.

Crankshaft, 8/5/17

Speaking of cranky and old, the cranky old men of Crankshaft have a cute way to let each other know they’re “just kidding around” when the political talk gets too heated: they just shit themselves right there in the booth at the diner!

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Crankshaft, 8/2/17

Many of us are going to find ourselves caring for our parents as they age, and helping them do the things they can’t anymore. But we should set firm boundaries: do not engage in terribly unfunny wordplay on your parents’ behalf, if you value your dignity!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/2/17

One of my favorite things about Rex Morgan, M.D., is the panoply of Rex pissyfaces. Today’s model, which I call “I am very much NOT raising someone’s child just because you went to middle school with her and then she dropped dead in my guest room,” is a particular delight.

Dennis the Menace, 8/2/17

“I helped! Tonight we dine on filth!” Dennis is, uh, legitimately menacing today, guys.

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Crankshaft, 7/27/17

Much of the “humor” of Crankshaft, arises from the title character saying English words or phrases that do not actually mean what he intends them to mean, of course, but I admit to being genuinely baffled by why he’s grumpily lobbing the phrase “old-timers” at this intergenerational sex awkwardness. My best guess is that he’s mocking his daughter and son-in-law for fondly remembering a youth in which some light boob-touching in a movie theater was considered an highly anticipated erotic act, since he now uses the family computer and his copious free time to mainline the most depraved pornography humankind has ever produced.

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/17

Shoutout to this nurse for being an ally to his female comrade who was hounded out of her duties by Killer’s nonstop sexual harassment. That’s the face of a man who’s definitely going to be upping the frequency of some invasive but necessary medical examinations.

Spider-Man, 7/27/17

God help me, the second panel of today’s Newspaper Spider-Man filled me with pure unalloyed joy. The best part is that Spidey stage-whispering while peeking around a corner to get Mole-Man’s attention out here in the empty hall for no particular reason, but I also enjoy the fact that my dude has convinced everyone start calling him “Melvin” but Peter knows that, while in his absurd Spidey persona, he needs to call him “Mole-Man,” in order to keep this whole outlandish superheroics farce going.

Six Chix, 7/27/17

[Begins writing an angry 3,000-world screed about Federal Railroad Administration regs and union contract stipulations about staffing on commuter trains, to be sent to the editor of every single newspaper that runs Six Chix]