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Six Chix, 2/20/16

“Whatta bunch of shallow losers! They spent all night watching stories that teams of writers, performers, and technicians had crafted just for them, that say something about the human condition! I meanwhile spent the evening staring up at the unfeeling stars, which burn on endlessly whether I exist or not.”

Judge Parker, 2/20/16

Remember, Derek’s band is made up entirely of high school students, and Sophie, who I guess plays guitar in it, literally did not know how to play guitar at all until she started taking lessons with Derek in 2011, which is probably like three months ago in strip time, tops. This will be the ultimate test of the Parkerverse’s “A Spencer-Driver-Parker always gets paid” constant.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/20/16

Speaking of the protagonist of a soap opera strip always getting paid, I love Summer’s worried facial expression in panel three here. “So, he wants to buy a house and he needs me to … oh, God, I’m supposed to give him a house, right? Just like that other guy did? Where … where am I going to find a house on such short notice?”

Beetle Bailey, 2/20/16

General Halftrack’s facial expression in panel two is exactly how you should look when you’re visualizing an undead Winston Churchill, rotting flesh sloughing off in great chunks, shambling about stinking of gin and attempting to reconquer India.

Crankshaft, 2/20/16

I feel like my suspicions yesterday have been confirmed: this is definitely a plot in which “valentine” is code for “dick pic.”

Gasoline Alley, 2/20/16

You know who else was widely thought to be dead but was then discovered alive in a cave, several days later? What is the New Testament, if not a scrapbook of the risen Christ?

Heathcliff, 2/20/16

~INFINITE NESTING HEATHCLIFFS~

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Crock, 2/19/16

“Hello, children! I’m the ghost of Charles Darwin! I’m here to explain one of the foundations of evolutionary theory, which is that animals better able to survive in their environment would experience greater reproductive success! In a relatively behaviorally advanced species such as camels, females ought to instinctively recognize the advantageous nature of a male’s large hump for water storage, and … wait, take your hands off me! What do you mean, this is a dumb joke about a how a camel can’t get laid? I … I’m a very important ghost, and I insist … I insist that you … my word!”

Crankshaft, 2/19/16

In this era of commonplace Throwback Thursdays, is there a person alive who would somehow be so panicked about people being privy to his cute baby photo that he would aggressively back his relatively new girlfriend up against the wall, demanding that she keep his secrets? The only way Max’s behavior makes any sense is if the picture in question depicted baby Max murdering someone, or if it was originally a dick pic and Crankshaft’s editors made them change it to something more innocuous at the last minute.

Beetle Bailey, 2/19/16

Sarge’s rapid cycling from crestfallen in panel one to manic joy in panel two is a heartbreaking depiction of disordered eating. Get help, Sarge!

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Judge Parker, 2/17/16

A subplot of the Derek-Sophie storyline that I haven’t been dwelling on because I’ve been super not into it has been “Oh no! Derek wants to do sex stuff!” I’m actually pretty glad that today’s strip acknowledges that, you know, teenage girls also have sexual desires! I’m also glad to see that despite her transformation from a bullied nerd into a popular cheerleader with a hot boyfriend, Sophie is still the family intellectual, unleashing her brilliant “You know, this roadie business is the only thing preventing me and Derek fucking non-stop” strategy that will keep her parents befuddled.

Gil Thorp, 2/17/16

Speaking of young love, Amazonian rugby-star-turned-basketball-goon Kenzie Hanley and former placebo abuser Max Bacon are totally an item now, everybody! Mainly I’m posting this to point out that exaggerated mid-conversation “time out” gestures are exactly what I’d expect from the amiable athlete-dorks of Milford.

Crankshaft, 2/17/16

This is kind of delightful on its own, but if you want an explanation, it’s a follow up to this strip; apparently Max intended to send his mom a pic of himself in the tub as an E-Valentine (ew?), and got mixed up. Anyway, I want to point out that the fact that he’s inexplicably clean-shaven in panel one, combined with his pinched facial expression in panel two, makes it look like he’s pooping a little beard out of his chin.

Pluggers, 2/17/16

Pluggers know that, the way they eat, they’re gonna be dead in five years, ten tops, so who really gives a shit, you know?