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Gasoline Alley, 3/31/20

I’m going to ignore panel three here, which makes the frankly offensive suggestion that Snuffy Smith somehow has an ownership claim over entirely common turns of English phrase, and instead focus on panel two, which I love very much. “Figure out an equitable way to cushion family farmers, who are committed to an increasingly economically unviable business model today, at the tail end of a century-long process of agricultural industrialization?” says Boog. “I doubt it! I’m, like, twelve years old!”

Dennis the Menace, 3/31/20

There’s actually a couple different kinds of menacing happening here, as Dennis dreams of a machine that can control the weather and thus impose its master’s will upon a terrified world, but is also stupid enough to think that that’s what he’s looking at right now.

Curtis, 3/31/20

While it’s not quite explicit here, I think we have to give Curtis the award for the first syndicated newspaper strip to acknowledge the coronavirus pandemic and the prolonged social distancing necessary to fight it. I don’t really have much of a joke here, other than that Curtis and Barry are definitely going to murder each other before this thing is done.

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Blondie, 3/24/20

When the creators of a long-running legacy comic learn about the existence of some cultural artifact or practice popular among people under 45, and feel obliged to wedge it into their work but are unable to hide the fact that it makes them feel like a weird alien who can no longer recognize their own society — that’s some of my favorite shit, man. I live for it. Anyway, what this strip really should make us realize is that, while Dagwood is usually depicted as playing a lot of Facebook games, a beloved old-person activity, in real life he would absolutely have an Instagram that he updates constantly with pictures of food, right?

Mark Trail, 3/24/20

Oh, ha ha, so, it turns out the cruel blond tween is actually the (presumably biological?) son of the Crowleys! It’s going to be a real treat for Kevin to move from a tenuous position as an orphan to a tenuous position as an adopted child with a new brother who fiercely resents him while his new parents smile obliviously.

Mary Worth, 3/24/20

Ha ha, damn, just one stupid Star Wars parody film and Dawn is head over heels! Hugo had to paint a whole goddamn house!

Dennis the Menace, 3/24/20

I guess this is supposed to be another panel in the “ha ha, Dennis is extremely stupid” category, but what actually comes across is that what we think of as “meat” has made out of something other than animals for years and somehow Joey and Dennis are in on the conspiracy, that that’s frankly terrifying.

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Dick Tracy, 3/23/20

Hmm, it seems that Shaky, who’s slowly dying, is just going to bounce from one comical house to another until he finally dies! Today’s he’s visiting his cousin Quiver Trembly, which makes me ask: has there ever been any kind of genetic testing done to determine the origin of what’s clearly a heritable condition of some sort? Anyway, you can tell that Quiver is also into crime because she thinks the answer to everything is cocaine.

Mark Trail, 3/23/20

Big excitement, everyone! The Great Adoption Tryout is underway! It’s better than any reality show! (Side note: if Harvey Camel were still alive and here, he would definitely be live-streaming this.) The mean blond kid is already sitting next to the orphan-hungry Crowleys, and I’m honestly not sure if he’s supposed to be also vying for an adoption or what, but what I do know is that he’s going to sabotage Kevin’s happiness by any means necessary, and I for one am very excited to see what he has up his sleeve.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/23/20

Look, folks, I have to deliver some tough truths: it is not OK to shoot people in the head with a nail gun! I don’t care how many hyperniche musical genres they rattle off at you. Just tell them, in a kind but firm tone, that you could not possibly give less of a shit about what “roots country” is or what distinguishes “rockabilly” from “garage rock.” Violence is never the answer, even under extreme duress!

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/20

Some might say that just being stupid isn’t very menacing. But I would suggest that it’s possible to be so profoundly dumb that you truly are dangerous to yourself and everyone around you, and Dennis is getting pretty close to that line!

Crankshaft, 3/23/20

Say, remember last week’s absolute thrill ride, “Lillian is on a podcast“? Well strap yourself the fuck in for this week’s heart-pounder, “Lillian is on the radio!”