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Mary Worth, 1/24/22

It’s definitely an interesting choice to show Wilbur’s loved ones sobbing over his death after we’ve already been shown that he’s not only very much alive but is almost certainly at this exact moment enjoying another round of yummy margaritas on a private resort island somewhere. This pushes this whole scene out of the realm of heartfelt drama into that of farcical melodrama, which frankly is a more comfortable mode to engage with Mary Worth in, for me anyway. Speaking of melodrama, you have to respect that Mary knows better than to blurt “the sea has probably claimed him” out loud, not so much because of the fatalism but because it’s extremely overwrought.

Dick Tracy, 1/24/22

Wow, I guess, the Neo-Chicago police force is “woke” now, giving officers who have been involved in an officer-involved immolation paid time off to be “in their feelings” and experience “trauma-informed self care” or whatever the kids say these days. Still, it’s nice to see that Dick has a little time to pursue some his hobbies, like eating hamburgers semi-shirtless and wandering around the woods looking for goo that used to be some guy who blew up.

Gil Thorp, 1/24/22

A guy I knew who ran a winery told me that, during Prohibition, some vineyards survived by mailing people grape juice and various other wine-making ingredients along with a note that said “Whatever you do, do not follow these very detailed instructions that we’re about to give to you, because if you do you’ll have made wine and that would be illegal.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot during this Gil Thorp teen gambling plot, where the theoretical teens who are the audience for this strip are simultaneously being set up for a heavy-handed plot where a gambling teen suffers for his gambling ways but also being educated in the mechanics of all the fun and exciting bets they can place on online betting apps that are free and easy to download!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/22

Ironically, this page from Sarah’s diary would become the key exhibit in the plagarism lawsuit filed against her father by the heirs of E.C. Segar.

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Dick Tracy, 1/18/22

Oh, look, everybody, it’s another quick Dick Tracy Minit Mystery, starring [steadfastly refuses to do any actual research on the relative popularity of Dick Tracy villains] everybody’s favorite villain, Piston Puss! According to the invaluable Dick Tracy wiki, Piston Puss has appeared in exactly one other storyline, in 1966, which means that the Giant Wheel Of Obscure Old Dick Tracy Characters the creative team spins every time they need a new antagonist must be even bigger than I thought. Anyway, clearly this mystery is going to somehow hinge on the order in which the various suspects hung their coats on that rack, so it’s too bad that Piston Puss’s wiki entry doesn’t say whether or not he’s partial to fur coats. Meanwhile, I have some notes on his character design and overall execution: if his name is Piston Puss, shouldn’t his face be a piston? Putting some half-assed metal disks over his ears does not make his face a piston, I regret to inform you. Also, call me bigoted if you must, but I would not hire a part-car, part-man person to work at a car dealership, because I would worry that he would try to eat the cars, or perhaps make love to them.

Mary Worth, 1/18/22

Haha, welp, looks like Wilbur’s not only still alive, but he didn’t even lose his glasses or his belt! We’re not even going to get the pleasure of watching him stumbling around this desert island, unable to see anything and desperately trying to keep his pants from falling down! Don’t think we’ll be satisfied by his comically ruffled combover! We Mary Worth readers aren’t mere goldfish, content to gobble up whatever flakes you drop down on us! IF WILBUR ISN’T DEAD, HE MUST AT LEAST SUFFER

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Dick Tracy, 1/14/22

When Apple rolled out the Apple Watch in 2015, probably a lot of comics nerds out there were like “Oh, a watch computer that helps you make phone calls? Just like the wrist wizards from Dick Tracy?” But there are important differences! For instance, thanks to Apple’s legendary quality standards, Apple Watches very rarely overhead and explode, and when they do, they definitely don’t instantly consume the wearer in a vortex of flame, as appears to have happened here.

In other news, if Dick Tracy is contemplating a return to its storied tradition of killing off its villains in cartoonishly horrific ways, I for one am interested, very interested! I’m also interested in hearing Dick tell the paramedics that “I told him to stand still, but he insisted on screaming and writhing around in agony, like a coward.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/14/22

Ha ha, yes, Sarah’s going to crack like an egg when they put her on the stand! I certainly hope that Rene manages to secure the services of his erstwhile mob family’s slick attorney, who will run rings around the Morgans’ bargain basement lawyer.

Mary Worth, 1/14/22

“A Code Oscar is what we call it when a gross, obnoxious slob falls off the boat to his death! If an uptight, prissy neat freak does it, that’s a Code Felix.”