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Funky Winkerbean, 1/18/20

I am suddenly very invested in Mason shadowing Les on a trip around New York, demanding that Les tell him everything, that he explain in each and every spot of emotional significance how Lisa felt when they were there, how she suffered, how her pain helped forge Les into the man he is today. If nothing else, it might finally, finally get Les to shut the fuck up about it.

Dick Tracy, 1/18/20

Man, Dick and Sam sure are pissed that, due to that pesky hostage (who wasn’t really a hostage, not that Dick and Sam know that), they didn’t have a chance to fill Dr Roboto with hot lead, huh? I guess that explains why they just saw a hostage dragged off by a bank robber and they aren’t making any kind of attempt to rescue that hostage or even figure out where the bank robber might be taking him.

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Mark Trail, 1/15/20

So, uh, not only are we getting the rambling yeti story I asked for but it’s actually extremely violent and also … in a completely different art style, for some reason? I’m not sure if Mark would’ve been so eager to go on this expedition if he had known that yeti were very aggressive and also impervious to guns! Anyway, I guess the reason Dr. Camel doesn’t want to profit from the yeti is because he wants to murder it, in revenge for what it did to his family.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/15/20

You know, the thing about Les is that he’s actually kind of cheery a lot of the time — in a smug, insufferable way, admittedly, but still, he usually has a smirk for everybody. I’m genuinely kind of baffled why he’s just a total dick about literally everything about this movie adaptation of Lisa’s Story, which, to emphasize, is only happening because he agreed to it, despite the fact that he already sabotaged an earlier version of it. What’s his game here, exactly? Why has he come all the way to Hollywood to piss and mope? And since he’s not writing the script anymore, why did Mason fly him all the way out to Hollywood for him to piss and mope in person? Do they not know about Skype? Did Mason feel the need to see Les slouching and shitting all over his dreams in the flesh?

Anyway, once you’ve read this comic and learned that fighting against daunting odds — whether it’s to beat cancer or deliver a truly authentic film about your loved ones — is basically pointless, hopefully you’ll feel inspired to donate to Lisa’s Legacy Fund!!!!!

Dick Tracy, 1/15/20

Awful lot of bullets being exchanged in this “cold war,” huh? I’m beginning to think that Mr. Roboto may not know what a cold war actually is.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/20

A lot changed in the tone of this strip with Terry Beatty took over writing duties for Woody Wilson, but there’s one thing that I’m glad stayed absolutely the same, which is that Rex is a petty little bitch and if you even slightly irritate him just once he will never forget it or forgive you. A normal person would probably be like “Ha ha, Aunt Tildy seems like a kook but if you say she’s part of your extended family I’ll buy it” but Rex has the local SWAT team on speed dial and is definitely waiting for June to admit that Tildy isn’t technical a blood relation so that he can have her forcibly extracted from his home with the help of lots of surplus military equipment.

Dick Tracy, 1/9/20

Dick Tracy, meanwhile, has come a long way since the days when its antagonists wore gimp masks and got eaten alive by rats. Still, you have to admire the low-key perversity involved in having this May-December pairing discussing how their DNA-altered leading lady “nailed” the aura of a robo-seductress right in front of her like she isn’t even there.

Mary Worth, 1/9/20

Man, can you think of a single narrative in the history of human storytelling that wouldn’t have been better if the main conflict were resolved by the protagonist having some tests run on their thyroid, proving that was the source of all their problems after all? I sure can’t! War and Peace, Hamlet, the Bible … all of them would absolutely have benefited from the ol’ thyroid-test denouement. Honestly, if Rise of Skywalker had ended with Rey and Kylo in mid-lightsaber battle and then Rey asked Kylo “Did he test your thyroid?” and then Kylo became a good guy, that would’ve been honestly a much more satisfying end to the entire Star Wars saga than what we actually got.