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Family Circus, 6/15/14

Most of us know our parents pretty well, so I guess I’ll believe Billy when he claims that his dad’s “favorite kind of stuff” consists of just horrible pun after horrible pun. That said, though, I’m pretty disappointed by the quality of this pun-map. It’s like Billy started out intending to do one entirely made up of celebrity name puns (and kudos for spanning decades of American celebrity culture, from Orson Welles to Andrew Garfield) but then ran out of ideas and just started throwing in bullshit like “Rock of Ages” and “Sit-Up-Straight” and (ugh) “Great S-Cape.” What I’m trying to say, Billy, is that it’s a bad Father’s Day present if you can’t even keep up the central conceit of your homemade gift for like 15 minutes, and you should be ashamed of it.

Blondie, 6/15/14

But I’ll give Billy this: at least he didn’t jam a ruler into is sleeping father’s gaping maw, in order to figure out how to build a meat-bomb that will occupy every available cubic inch of his gullet.

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Crankshaft, 6/4/14

Do you think comics artists ever get into Stockholm Syndrome situations with their characters? Do you think that they start off knowing that their characters are literally the worst, and yet because they have to drawn them, day after day, they eventually fall under their sway, and dedicate the energy and loving care to drawing their faces twisted into a hatefully, sullen grimace as, say, Leonardo put into the Mona Lisa? Anyway, I’m not sure if the joke here is supposed to be “ha ha, Crankshaft never saved up for retirement so he’ll have to work until the day he drops dead” or “ha ha, Crankshaft is so full of angry restless energy that he has to find a job or else he’ll be left alone with his own awful thoughts and feelings,” but it is true that a job that involves greeting people pleasantly and putting them at ease is one for which he is profoundly unqualified.

Family Circus, 6/4/14

It’s obviously unthinkable that Jeffy’s moronic bit of non-wordplay could prompt even the sort of faint smile we see on Big Daddy Keane’s lips. Therefore we must assume something else is going on here. My guess: he’s pleased that his plan to create a Superman-style “disguise” out of his lack of glasses is finally working. (His only superpower will be the ability to trick his children into thinking that he’s someone else just long enough for him to get out of the house and/or the state.)

Beetle Bailey, 6/4/14

When Shi Huangdi, the first emperor of China, died, he was on a tour of the provinces, a two-month journey away from the capital; his inner circle of advisors, concerned that the death of the sovereign would prompt civil war in the vast empire he had built, kept his death a secret, keeping his body in a carriage, ordering carts of dead fish to be placed in front of and behind it in the wagon train to mask the smell, bringing in documents and then forging his signature during the long journey. Also, I’ve never really pegged Miss Buxley as someone who cares enough about her boss’s feelings to spare him the irritation of contact with underlings he dislikes. Put these facts and observations together as you will.

Gasoline Alley, 6/4/14

Looks like I’m not the only one who thinks that Boog’s new paramour is up to no good! Check out all these other children who, like Boog, are so dim they need to have their names printed on their shirts, lest they forget. They’re terrified of her. She’s clearly going to eat Boog alive (not a euphemism).

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Dick Tracy, 5/24/14

About a year ago I wrote a review for Bookforum of a couple of books about political cartooning, including a profusely illustrated biography of Thomas Nast, and hey, do you know who Thomas Nast really disliked? The Irish! One of the interesting things about seeing Nast’s old cartoons is getting a look at a whole style of racial caricature that’s fallen more or less completely out of use, though the similarly Celtic Scot Tabby Angus seems to carry just a hint of it in his character design. Anyway, big thanks to today’s cartoon for familiarizing me with the term cailleach, which, according to Wikipedia, is an Irish or Scottish mythological being who is “a divine hag, a creatrix, and possibly an ancestral deity or deified ancestor.” Since this is Gravel Gertie we’re talking about, who gave birth to some terrifying nightmare-thing we still haven’t gotten a good look at, I’d say that’s a pretty good description.

Family Circus, 5/24/14

Daddy looks pleased with Dolly’s playtime plans. With her urge to force a diverse range of creatures into the uniform and soul-numbing world of white-collar work, she’s perfect for middle management! At least one Keane Kid isn’t going to keep moving back home well into their 30s.

Better Half, 5/24/14

It’s too bad that the Better Half is a one-panel cartoon, because if we had panel after panel of this poor cashier forcing pizza down his gullet, chewing with grim determination, because he’s not hungry, but Stanley got the diet pizza, and a job is a job, and the two of them stare at each other in blank, expressionless silence, then I’d be an extremely happy guy.