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Family Circus, 4/7/13

Yes, thought Billy. Books. Learning. His teachers and parents had put forth so much effort trying to convince him that he needed to take some time away from the TV to expand his mind a little. He had reacted with sullen, stubborn resistance, as always. But eventually, one day when he was bored, he started picking up some of these books everyone seemed to think were so great. Just to pass the time, you know. And soon he was hooked. There was so much to know! Each fact lead to another. Something new to learn. And each new fact, each new field of study, contributed to his understanding of the world and his future place in it. Specifically, his future place in charge of it. How could he come to rule over all unless he were the smartest man alive? So Billy kept reading. Kept learning. Kept planning. The world didn’t seem so big anymore. Didn’t seem so strange and inexplicable. It was a problem you could solve. It was small enough that you could shut it up in a box, a box with a locked door, and only Billy would hold the key. You hear that, world? You’d better stay on Billy’s good side. You’d better be real nice to him. Because someday, he’s going to be in charge of how much air and sunshine you get.

Judge Parker, 4/7/13

Ha ha, looks like Judge Emeritus Parker isn’t changing his mind about the unmitigated hellscape that is marriage! That face in panel four is one of the greatest examples of humiliated petulance on an adult that sequential art has ever seen. Glory in it!

This being Judge Parker the judge is also right to assume that this pith helmet is the best money can buy. Like, literally. If you used advanced mathematics and materials science and economics to create the most durable, lightweight, and expensive replacement for old-fashioned pith available, you would get the stuff in that helmet. It’s probably made from the bones of endangered tropical birds, tempered with the tears of children attending America’s top-rated non-boarding private schools, and forged in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider.

Panels from Spider-Man, 4/7/13

There are other panels that come between these two, but you don’t need them. “Well, I tried and failed to find the bad guy. Now it’s the other guy’s problem! I wonder if he’ll have time to grab a bite to eat, what with his busy schedule of being a better superhero than I am.”

Crankshaft, 4/7/13

They say that keeping physically active is a great way to stave off dementia as you get older, though obviously it doesn’t work in every case.

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Mark Trail, 4/1/13

“On behalf of tournament officials, we’d like to apologize to you, Mark … apologize that your beloved ward was kidnapped and almost killed by one of our contestants! Ha ha, just kidding, we don’t feel responsible for that at all, and it doesn’t seem like you were that worried about it anyway, so why should we care? We do feel bad about the cheating, though, as that will make us look bad to your readers, who don’t give a rat’s ass about children but are passionate about the integrity of fishing tournaments.”

“Don’t worry, you do a good job … most of the contestants are honest fishermen — guys like Rod are the exception! When it comes to cheating at fishing, I mean. Rod’s pretty typical when it comes to kidnapping little kids. I don’t know what it is, but fisherman just can’t get enough of luring children into their vans. ‘Landfish,’ they call them. And Rusty wonders why I don’t take him fishing more often! Ha ha!”

Crankshaft, 4/1/13

As sad as “Crankshaft replies angrily to the punning TV newscaster” makes me, I think that “Crankshaft sullenly gets in on the punning TV newscaster’s pun-theme” is much, much worse.

Shoe, 4/1/13

“Get it, because burnt food gets all black and crispy? No, but seriously, Roz sells burned and expired food to the poor and desperately hungry, in defiance of local health department regulations and consumer safety laws.”

Family Circus, 4/1/13

Boy, Billy sure is angry at a pagan nature spirit! Nyaaah, where’s your omnipotent patriarchal creator deity now, Billy?

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Mark Trail, 3/29/13

The current Mark Trail plot has ended as most of them do, in violence, so let us take a moment to pause and acknowledge that fact. Yes, Mark has yet to unleash his Fists o’ Justice™, and perhaps they will remain sheathed for the duration of this storyline, but the Flying Tackle of Fury® is also a venerable Trailian tradition, and respect must be paid, even if “tradition” might kind of be code for “there is one ancient original Mark Trail drawing of someone tackling someone else at the waist, and it’s just been endlessly photocopied and traced over the course of the decades.”

Mary Worth, 3/29/13

Meanwhile, what in the name of all that is holy is happening to Elinor’s face — nay, her whole head — in panel one? It’s like she can’t be satisfied with just faking some ailment to nip her daughter’s chances of romantic happiness in the bud; she’s going to actually will herself into a stroke using the power of sheer hatred, with the unsettling resulting skull distortion we can all see, much to our horror.

Family Circus, 3/29/13

Aww, isn’t that cute! The Keanes are using Billy to run a Social Security disability benefits scam!