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Family Circus, 12/11/07

Many years ago (OK, three, but that’s a long time in the world of blogging), I decried the narrative technique on display in today’s Family Circus as “dialogue that’s half in word balloons, half in quote marks below the panel, and all half-assed.” Today I think the narrative trickery is there only to distract us from the panel’s total failure to make sense. Never mind the fact that the only people who criticize the youth of today and their “y’know”-saying ways are roughly six to eight times older than Billy; why is Billy standing there with studied ease, one hand in his pocket, as Dolly bellows in his face from six inches away? Are they meant to demonstrate the differing attitudes of their teachers — one all mellow and relaxed (possibly due to weed) and one all shrill and controlling (possibly due to coke)?

Meanwhile, on December 10, 2007, after 50+ years, Marmaduke’s creators apparently ran out of enormous-dog-themed jokes that can be told in a single-panel format, and beginning today will be trying out this “sequential art” concept they’ve heard so much about. Readers who have always been concerned about how closely Marmaduke’s owner resembles Hitler will be made uncomfortable by the upper half of the panel.

Ziggy, 12/11/07

I’m all in favor of Ziggy being taunted by his television set, but this just seems like a friendly jest as he attempts to scroll through all the wonderful entertainment offerings provided by his local cable company. We really need for the question mark on the TV to be removed, along with Ziggy’s dialogue, to provide the sense of soul-crushing ennui that I demand from this feature.

Sally Forth, 12/11/07

I think we’re all glad that Ted has moved from unshaven, unemployed layabout to chipper seasonal minimum wage worker, but someone needs to tell him that he SHOULDN’T. WEAR. THE HIDEOUS ORANGE VEST. IN. THE HOUSE. With the nametag and everything. Really, Ted, just because they don’t come home to find you on the couch screaming at your judge shows doesn’t mean that your family has forgotten who you are.

On the bright side, it’s probably only a matter of time before Ted joins the cast of Shortpacked.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/11/07

Remember, kids, you can make your holiday season ever so much more convenient — with stealing!

For Better Or For Worse, 12/11/07

Ha, ha, “legs!” Everything smells like “legs!” Don’t kids say the darnedest things? Sometimes they can be a little confusing, though, especially when they use quote marks. Let’s call in an expert to help clear this up:

Well … that does make more sense.

And I leave with another amusing out-of-context panel:

Panel from Archie, 12/11/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 has discovered either absurdism or HotSweatyMasturbatingCoaches.com.

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Slylock Fox, 12/9/07

Oh, Cassandra! Your attempts to snare Slylock’s heart grow ever more transparent — and ever more pathetic. “Accidentally” leaving the heel of your shoe behind? Come on. Staring brightly ahead as you wear that prim little pastel outfit isn’t going to fool anyone.

Getting a lineup together in world shared by many kinds of sentient animal life isn’t easy, but the crew assembled by Officer Duck today is particularly motley. The two creatures of indeterminate species on either side of Cassandra look like they’re hoping that this will be their big chance to break into movies, or at least reality TV. If I were Slylock, I’d start looking into the background of the elephant lady at the far right — she looks guilty as hell, and presumably has got some kind of home counterfeiting business or meth lab set up back at her trailer. The pink-haired bunny, meanwhile, is way, way too stoned to care.

(If you wish Cassandra would “steal some files” from your “office”, you obviously need some Bob Weber Jr.-designed Cassandra Cat gear from the Comics Curmudgeon store!)

Crankshaft, 12/9/07

You might chalk this up as a garden-variety generation gap comic, but with young chinbeard and his sister watching their parents turn into their grandparents and worrying about turning into their parents in turn. But recall that the grandparents in question are rageaholic Crankshaft and the somehow even more loathsome Ukrainian hate machine. The kids probably thought that they’d at last be free once their grandparents kick off, but now are worried about enduring their post-transformation parents. Junior is right to look so terrified.

Family Circus, 12/9/07

Note the bit that I’ve highlighted. Billy is clearly in the “Anyone but Obama” camp for the 2008 elections.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 12/9/07

Yeah, osmosis! Osmosis and time travel.

(Yes, I know there’s a neo-swing scene that’s alive and well today in New York and elsewhere — but the kids today out doing the Lindy Hop tend to be young hipsters like these. Tommie and Gary are soooo very much not hipsters; and I don’t care how old they’re supposed to be, I refuse to even qualify them as “young”.)

Panel from Shoe, 12/9/07

It’s not like I’m in love with the word “barmaid”, exactly; I just think “bartenderness” sounds kind of creepy. “Come on, baby, I’ve been lookin’ at you all night; show me a little bartenderness.”

Site meta-note: I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing the comment of the week/ad love posts on Monday instead of Sundays. I often don’t even get to Saturday’s comics until Sunday, and doing the Sunday strips takes me longer than usual because I can’t easily see them all at once on the Chronicle site, so often doing blog work eats up a good chunk of what oughtta be a weekend day of rest and relaxation! So, Trilobite’s comment gets an extra day of glory thanks to the shift.

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Mary Worth, 12/5/07

Fun possibilities for the “something” Mary is about to tell Jeff:

• “…if you’re actually upset about spending less time with me, you’re more of a twisted masochist than I thought.”
• “…once I complete my human-animal hybrid research, ‘ChesterJeff’ will be receiving all of my attention.”
• “…I flew all the way to a filthy third-world hellhole to get you back from a rewarding, fulfilling career, so obviously I don’t give rat’s ass about what you want. Either you come back to my apartment and wheeze away while staring at me worshipfully, or go to hell.”

Gil Thorp, 12/5/07

Fun possibilities for the “something” that Grant and Jimmy did for Cully Vale:

• Bribed Marty Moon’s doctor to horribly botch his eye job and facelift, leaving him with a permanent, frozen expression of stunned surprise.
• Killed Marty Moon as per Gil’s instructions, and left his gape-mouthed severed head in the broadcasting booth, spewing forth prerecorded banter from an iPod they taped to his skull.
• Made him team captain and let him call the coin toss, only to unveil an enormous “CULLY VALE IS A MURDERER” banner at the moment that all eyes are on him.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/07

Fun possible ways in which Margo might try to help Ruby have some fun:

• Taking her to a bar to try to pick up much younger men.
• Taking her to her dealer to buy some coke.
• Convincing her that there’s nothing more thrilling than the glamorous, fast-paced world of Manhattan party planning!

Family Circus, 12/5/07

Don’t look so God-damned smug, Billy. You just condemned your family to at least three weeks of accordion music and the sight of Dolly lurching about spasmodically.