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The Phantom, 1/16/19

Been a while since I kept you updated on the thrilling story of Heloise in The Phantom after she personally defeated the Nomad, the terrorist mastermind her father could never catch, by knocking him unconscious with her phone. Heloise handed the Nomad over to the cops, and then, presumably to escape revenge from the Nomad’s fanatical followers, fled with Kadia (the Nomad’s daughter, who didn’t know until just now that her dad was the Nomad) to the consulate of her home nation of Bangalla. Now they’re about to be rescued by the president of Bangalla himself, and let’s just say that country’s official self-presentation as a thriving post-colonial democracy governed by the rule of law isn’t quite buttressed by the head of state personally spiriting a family member of the shadowy leader of a paramilitary force out of the United States to avoid unpleasant questions from law enforcement. Bangalla may insist that the main heritage of their British colonial past is an elected parliament and independent judiciary, but in fact it appears to be President Luaga’s insistence on wearing morning dress 24 hours a day.

Gil Thorp, 1/16/19

I turn to the comics not just for amusement, but edification, and to that end I am pleased to have Learned Something from today’s Gil Thorp. Specifically, I have learned about the Robb Report, which began as a mimeographed newsletter selling Rolls Royces and Confederate memorabilia and somehow morphed into an odious ‘lifestyle brand’ publication mainly consisting of pictures of Rich People Things, which, isn’t that what we have Instagram for? Anyway, it was well worth learning all that so I could appreciate the absurdity of Robby saying, confidently, to presumably dozens of radio listeners, that on his report, “the richness is in the words,” proving that despite his claims to be a wordsmith he doesn’t actually know how “richness” is used in contemporary English. It would be better if he claimed “the richness is in the frosting,” and this whole thing with the billboards was just an attempt to drum up interest in his website of cake recipes.

Mary Worth, 1/16/19

Let’s try, if we can, to avoid thinking about Jannie’s increasingly hilarious vaping technique and instead focus on Ian’s grading strategies. What do you think his emotional arc is over the course of the semester? Is his plan from the get-go to lull his students into complacency with good grades in the opening weeks of the semester only to smash their hopes and dreams later? Or does he begin each class convinced that this year the students are actually going to appreciate his talents, and only turns on them when it becomes clear that isn’t the case?

Family Circus, 1/16/19

“They said that blondes have more fun but that doesn’t seem to be true at all! Now people just realize I’m related to Billy! I hate Billy!”

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Gil Thorp, 1/10/19

AHH AHH AHH BOBBY HOWREY! You might remember Bobby from one of the greatest ever Gil Thorp plots, when he was the sweater-vest-clad megalomaniac student manager who hooked up one of the Mudlarks with Adderall but it was OK because it was actually just baby aspirin, but Gil was too square and didn’t think it was OK and so Bobby ended up coaching literal children down at the rec center. Now, four years later, he’s all grown up, with the much more grown-up name “Robby” and an actual website, so he’s ready to destroy Gil and his regime of mediocrity, in which you’re not allowed to give fake performance-enhancing drugs to players even if it helps you win!

Because we all become exactly what we hate most, I make fun of the newspaper comics for being helplessly mired in nostalgia but absolutely love the Gil Thorp plots where wronged players from years past reappear to blame Gil for their problems, like when Steve Luhm, who was a social justice warrior before it was cool, came back as a disgruntled janitor, or when Marty DeJong stalked Gil with baseballs because Gil’s inadequate coaching ruined Marty’s arm and his life. I’m definitely looking forward to learning how B/Robby’s exile to the Milford Recreation Center failed to teach him any kind of lesson at all, but rather left him a twisted, broken soul intent on billboard-delivered vengeance.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/10/19

We all knew as soon as we saw that Brayden wore his baseball cap backwards that he didn’t play by society’s rules — the brim is supposed to go foreward, to shield your face from the sun, but he just doesn’t care! So it should’t come as a surprise that he’s tearing the mask off society’s polite fictions before this plane’s even left the gate. The air marshals are helpless: there’s nothing in FAA regulations that authorizes them to stop someone from dropping truth bombs.

Mark Trail, 1/10/19

“You!?” Mark bellows with total conviction, having recognized our culprit as, uh … this dude? Does anyone know who he’s supposed to be? I’m so tired, you guys.

Family Circus, 1/10/19

Big Daddy Keane’s little smile is the expression of a man who’s just found a loophole. “She said ‘four children’ … but she didn’t say which four children, now did she?”

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Dick Tracy, 12/19/18

“Someone has to pay! And it will be either a high diver or the general manager of the local Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum! Fate has intervened!”

Meanwhile over at The Dail[y…], some enraged managing editor is walking around waving this morning’s paper in the air. “Just two stories and one photo on the front page of the Entertainment section?” he shouts, livid. “A banner headline that only goes across three columns? Someone has to pay!”

Judge Parker, 12/19/18

I love the looks of delight on Judge Parker Senior and Katherine’s face as they open the extremely expensive gift that someone just left in their house. It’s a pair of gorgeous baubles, just for them, fallen as if from heaven, which they clearly feel they deserve! But wait, what’s that note? Are there possibly … consequences to this? Strings attached? NOOOOOOO, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE

Mary Worth, 12/19/18

Wait a minute … wait a damn minute … is the Cameron who’s going to be tempted by another in this storyline … Ian? Is this perfectly nice looking young woman going to throw herself at an unpleasant chinbearded academic blowhard, while Toby, toned and constantly lounging about in athleisurewear, remains un-flirted with? This will not stand.

Family Circus, 12/19/18

A spectre is haunting the Keane Kompound … the spectre … of Santa.