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Gil Thorp, 9/17/18

More often than not Gil Thorp will follow a couple, sometimes interrelated, plots over the course of a sports season, and it looks like we’re getting two football plots this year: whatever the heck’s going on with Tiki Jansen, and some long snapper drama. Special teams are the goofiest part of football, so I’m extremely excited to see them get the spotlight in Gil Thorp this year. It seems that the long snapper is also the best punter, and for those of you who don’t follow football, this is a problem because the punter is the person the long snapper hurls the ball to, in the graceful position demonstrated in panel one. My sincere hope is that this dilemma is solved using cloning, or possibly time travel.

Mary Worth, 9/17/18

“Mr. Wynter, I just wanted to see how you were coping after your tragic loss. I know what it’s like to lose someone dear myself! In my case that someone was my husband, a human being, who some might say is a little more worthy of grief than a mere animal, but I won’t comment on that one way or another. Also, my husband left me a good deal of money after his demise, ensuring my financial stability. Did your dog leave you any money? At any rate, I hope this can of processed salmon is of comfort to you!” [she gently lobs the can of salmon at Mr. Wynter; he fails to catch it and it hits him square in the face]

Family Circus, 9/17/18

I was briefly thinking that at least one of Dolly’s grandmas was dead and only seen in the strip in ghost form. I was wrong, of course — it’s her maternal grandfather I’m thinking of — but wouldn’t it be funny if I was right, and Dolly was beseeching God to keep the heat turned up on her grandmother’s damned soul, in hell? Anyway, long story short, I’m a bad person.

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Hi and Lois, 8/31/18

I am living for the disappointed looks on the faces of Hi and Other Friend Of Thirsty And Possibly Hi in panel two here! While both of these gentlemen wouldn’t have dreamed of trying to horn in on their wives’ bonding time with their female friends, they had always been jealous of their book clubs, and when they got Thirsty’s unexpected invite, they were thrilled: an intellectual salon, a meeting of the minds that would deepen their male bonds! But no, it’s just another opportunity to do low-level crimes, and lose money to boot. Maybe the two of them should start their own book club. It’s not too late, fellas! Overcome that masculine reserve and live your literary dreams!

Mark Trail, 8/31/18

Some of you have wondered: in these difficult times for journalism, how can Woods and Wildlife Magazine possibly keep up its expensive longform niche journalism, paying for long trips overseas for its writers (along with their outrageous travel insurance premiums) and still making rent on its posh Manhattan offices even as advertising rates plummet? Well, the answer is that while Americans may be spending their days endlessly noodling around on social media, consumers in the Latin American market still hunger for fascinating stories about our natural world (World War I era airplanes count as part of the natural world if they fall into a sinkhole).

Family Circus, 8/31/18

Finally, I’ve acknowledged to myself that making a joke about the Keane Kids as part of a horrifying, incestous planned breeding program to create some kind of genetically pure “holy race” is both distasteful and also doesn’t have much support in the comic itself. Now to take a big sip of coffee and read today’s Family Circus!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/31/18

Ha ha, if an absolutely furious old man is screaming abuse at people in the form of unfunny wordplay, it must be Funky Winkerbean!

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Dennis the Menace, 8/25/18

If I know my Dennis Mitchell, he’d never say “he will” rather than “he’ll.” And if I know my genre conventions, inappropriate failure to use contractions is a sign that what we’re dealing with here is an android, presumably one that Mr. Wilson built in his garage workshop to make him feel like he has some kind of control over his life. “Ha ha,” says the Dennis-bot, “Mr. Wilson will need a calculator to count so many calories, because biological life forms are not good at mathematicak operations, even simple ones like addition!” George looks incredibly smug because he knows he could turn Dennis off whenever he wants.

Family Circus, 8/25/18

“Your eyes, Daddy!” Dolly exclaimed, grabbing at them with her short, stumpy fingers. “So wise and learnèd.” She began to really dig in there with her surprisingly sharp nails. “I want them.” Her voice deepened, and echoed like something very far away, yet at the same time rose to a deafening pitch. “I want your eyes. Give them to me. Give me your eyes. I want them.”