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Spider-Man, 8/7/17

Ahem, anyone who’s even given a cursory look over the Griffith Observatory’s website would know that “The Observatory does not permit rentals at any time for personal or seasonal events (such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs, and holiday parties).” There is a potential loophole, though: you can rent the observatory for an event that furthers “the goals of civic responsibility; promotion of science and astronomy; collaboration on issues in which the Observatory has a functional relationship, such as education; or celebration of Griffith Park, its donor, or the facility itself.” Surely it would advance the cause of science if Mole Man were to give a lecture to assembled surface dwellers on the strange world beneath the Earth’s surface, which we know even less about than we do the other planets in our solar system. And if someone wanted to get married at the end of his talk … well, who could possibly object? You’d have to be a cruel bully like Rebel Without A Cause’s “Buzz” Gunderson to raise a fuss!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/7/17

The point of this is that this caricaturist is going to be yet another Famous Person From The Elaborate Backstory Of Starbuck Jones Who’s Down On His Luck For Some Reason, which I’ll have lots of time to complain about later, but I do want to point out that this lady is basically saying “I hired someone to perform labor, but now I’m mad because I could’ve made one of our guests do the thing he gets paid to do, but for free!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/17

Ah ha ha, she’s really going to do it, isn’t she? Dump her kid at the Morgans’ while she heads out to score some pills or possibly die? This is going to be delicious.

Mary Worth, 8/7/17

“LIKE IF YOU WANT TO FUCK OR SOMETHING! I WILL DEFINITELY COME TO YOUR WEIRD APARTMENT IN AN OUTDATED CONDO COMPLEX AND DO SEX TO YOU ON THE TWIN BED IN YOUR CHILDHOOD BEDROOM WHILE YOUR DAD IS OUT OF TOWN! I’LL BE THERE … FOR SEX! YOU SHOULDN’T HANG OUT WITH DR. NED, HE’S A REAL CREEP, BY THE WAY. NOT LIKE ME, I’M NICE!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/1/17

OK, fine, I’m still not gonna dwell on the time-jump details, but here, here’s what Jeff and Pam and Max from Crankshaft look like ten years into their future, in Funky Winkerbean. Mostly I’m featuring today’s strip because it looks like, after a decade of pouring his youth and his passion into running the Valentine, Max might finally go out of business and be forced into an uncertain job market, only to have his dad say “Gee, that’s a shame! This is where I saw my favorite movie as a kid!”

Beetle Bailey, 8/1/17

Ha ha, yes, it’s definitely funny when a disgruntled army NCO, raging against the rules that restrain his behavior, pulls his sidearm and threatens to “fight bureaucracy!” The best-case scenario here is an awful on-base spree shooting; the worst is that Orville Snorkel emulates Liberia’s Samuel Doe, becoming the second sergeant in world history to lead a successful coup.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/17

Grampy’s deflection of the parson’s obvious come-on is as charming as it is subtle.

The Lockhorns, 8/1/17

Leroy … is drunk here, right? Very drunk at 8:30 am and heading to the office?

Family Circus, 8/1/17

“Then I said, ‘That’s some inspiring shit, mom, but if you don’t buy me that costume I’m gonna have a meltdown right here in Party City the likes of which you’ve never seen.’”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/17

“Well, how about the toast, then? With the crusts on, obviously — that’s where the nutrients are. Also, no butter or jam. Fats and sugars are the silent killers! But don’t worry, you can pair it with a piping lukewarm glass of tap water!”

Marvin, 7/12/17

Oh man, Dr. Dog is about to get some furious letters from Welsh corgis, along with some nuanced explainers on geographical nomenclature from the Unionist Irish wolfhound community.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/17

[Inside the offices of Conaco, LLC]

ASSISTANT: …oh, and there’s also that request from that comic strip artist to use your likeness in a ComicCon plotline.

CONAN O’BRIEN: Oh, right. Sure, say yes to that. It’ll be a good promo for the shows I’m going to be taping there.

ASSISTANT: So do you want them to sign something promising you won’t be portrayed in the comic strip as some kind of cartoonishly sexist boor?

CONAN O’BRIEN: What? Why … why would they even do that? That seems unnecessary. I’m sure it’ll be fine!