Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/13/17

Oh, hey, guys, remember Edward? When we last saw him he was a cruel bully who dared to mock Sarah’s art but then she turned the tables and raised up a rebellion against him. Anyway, it appears that, like all powerful bullies who have been humiliated in front of their erstwhile victims, Edward immediately reformed his evil ways and is now a defender of the downtrodden. This is an entirely realistic outcome that will prevent Sarah from being beaten to death with her own crutches on her first day of public school! Instead, she has acquired yet another powerful protector, and the fact that she doesn’t remember the unpleasant origin story of their friendship will honestly just make everything less socially awkward for everybody involved.

Marvin, 4/13/17

Ha ha, it’s another Marvin about the romantic/sexual lives of literal infants! But you know what’s grosser than that? A comic about the romantic/sexual lives of literal infants where a potential romantic/sexual relationship between two literal infants faces a barrier, and that barrier is that one of the infants still voids his bladder and bowels into his pants indiscriminately, while the other has learned to wait and go in a toilet. And you know what’s grosser than that? It’s when a baby is describing all this horror, and Marvin gives a knowing smile to the audience, like, “Oh yeah, we’ve all been there. Liking a girl but she doesn’t shit her pants like you do. Right? Right? This is extremely relatable content.”

Funky Winkerbean, 4/13/17

Can you imagine if what you had to do in order to coax your spouse into sex was to say, “OK, stop writing yet another book about your dead wife so we can fu–NO! DON’T YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP ON ME! GOD DAMN IT!”

Post Content

Crankshaft, 4/9/17

So, today’s Crankshaft only makes sense to people who understand all the weird nooks and crannies of the Funkyverse’s decades-long chrono-disjunctive narrative arcs, and, due to my many sins, I am one of those people, and as a punishment I guess I’m going to explain it to you? See, this takes place a decade in the past compared to Funky Winkerbean, and so Les is still hawking Fallen Star, his book about the murder of John Darling, who was the father of his soon-to-be-in-this-timeframe-dead wife’s biological son’s future wife. He spent years researching this book, which revealed that John Darling was killed by Plantman, as depicted in the final installment of the failed Funkyverse strip John Darling. The book was a financial failure! But Lillian, who has gone to this seminar on how to write a book only to encounter an author so unaccomplished that he held a book signing in the illegal bookstore she runs in her attic, is full of reassuring sentiments. Don’t worry, she says to Les: someday you’ll write something special, once your wife dies of cancer — like, I don’t know, the very book that appears in the first panel??? Anyway, the lesson here is that if you want literary success, you can’t write about just anyone dying, it has to be about someone you really love.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/9/17

Meanwhile, in the Funkypresent, it turns out Les is spending the energy he’s supposed to be channeling into yet another book about Lisa into primate-terminology-banter with his current, alive wife. C’mon, Les, the misery porn’s not going to write itself!

Mary Worth, 4/9/17

You know, the thought of going on a cruise has never really appealed to me, but the first couple panels here show me some of the charm. Who hasn’t wanted to yell at Florida from a safe distance away? “FUCK YOU, FLORIDA,” is what I’d shout. “YOU FUCKIN’ SUCK.”

Meanwhile, Toby is getting awful philosophical in the last panel. It’s true that you never know what tomorrow may bring! Maybe it’ll bring some guy out of his mind on nicotine withdrawal, just stabbing everyone who gets in his way on the no-cigs hell-cruise that destroyed his will to live! Who can say!

Shoe, 4/9/17

It turns out Roz, a major character in the long-running syndicated comic strip Shoe, is bisexual! This is an intriguing revelation, but it’s not an excuse for running a strip without a punchline of any sort?

Post Content

Funky Winkerbean, 3/18/17

So Funky walked up the hill to that mysterious abandoned house and then … spent the week walking around in it eerie emptiness? And then looked at an old painting on the wall for a while. And today, in the first dialogue of the whole week, thought-balloons some stuff that I guess is supposed to be profound but is actually just a symptom of a major depressive disorder. I honestly don’t know if this is a Significant Location From Storylines Past or just a Metaphor Symbolizing Life’s Impermanence, and I also don’t know what’s supposed to be happening here, but in a larger sense I feel like I know exactly what’s happening here, you know?

Judge Parker, 3/18/17

You’ll recall that when Derek was first introduced to this strip, he was Honey Ballinger’s boyfriend but Sophie liked him she decided to steam him away, but then suddenly (and by “suddenly” I mean “four years later,” because this is Judge Parker after all) Derek was Sophie’s boyfriend and she was worried Honey Ballinger was going to steal him away from her. This could’ve all been chalked up to the silly, transient nature of teen relationships, but as today’s final panel reveals, the question of who exactly was dating whom has abruptly become extremely serious.

Mary Worth, 3/18/17

Pretty sure that this is what you’d get if you were making a movie and directed your actors to “do a bunch of cocaine and then yell whatever comes into your head about cruises as loud and as fast as you can.”