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Six Chix, 6/18/16

This is, I suppose, a joke about “tree-hugging,” but I can’t get past the idea that this lady replied to a guy on a dating app who didn’t put up a picture. I mean, like, she did, right? Because he’s a tree, and she seems surprised by this? “Who did you expect,” asked the sunglasses-wearing tree with no arms, “George Clooney? Just because I put a picture of George Clooney on my profile? Boy, are you naive. By the way, I don’t have any arms, and the fact that you’ve put a glass of booze in front of me that I’m unable to pick up is very offensive.”

Judge Parker, 6/18/16

Oh, whoops, looks like Neddy and Hank weren’t up all night screwing after all! Nope, they were just waiting outside the local 7-11 for the print version of the newspaper to be delivered. Do they … not know that newspapers are on the Internet now? Sam and Abbey are correct to look extremely concerned.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/18/16

You spend most of a lifetime feeling angry, abandoned, and alone, only to conclude, after encountering some brief kindness in your declining years, that maybe this existence of ours isn’t an unmitigated pit of despair: the closest Funky Winkerbean will ever get to a happy ending.

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Mark Trail, 6/13/16

Our long national cave-nightmare may finally be over: Mark, Gabe, and Carina have found what appears to be an underwater passage out, and Mark is going to attempt to swim to daylight, and then come back, somehow. If he doesn’t come back, well, he can’t tell them what choices to make. Should they draw straws to see who gets eaten during the inevitable turn to cannibalism? Should they live in the cave forever, eventually breeding a race of blind, cave-adapted mole-people? Mark is not here to judge. Mark knows they have to do what’s right for them, alone in that cave.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/13/16

Well, it seems that this was a way for the cast and crew of the current Starbuck Jones reboot to assemble all the old men who used to be fanboys back in the day, to attempt to cheer up bitter old former Starbuck Jones actor Cliff Anger (and also presumably build positive media buzz and word of mouth for said reboot among said fanboys). Cliff was briefly thrilled, but it’s good to see that when faced with actual people who enjoyed his work, he’s retreating back into heavy-lidded contempt.

Dennis the Menace, 6/13/16

How much do I love the expression on Henry’s face here? “That’s … that’s what you’ve got? That’s the most menacing thing you have to say to me this morning? Christ, it’s gonna be a long week.”

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Crock, 6/3/16

Haha, it’s funny because the patrolmen are dying horribly in flames, miles away from help or rescue or even water! As the fire burns away everything that makes them human, their commanding officers coldly refer to them as “objects.”

Beetle Bailey, 6/3/16

Like many military operations, this started as an attempt to remove something with precision and skill and has now devolved into a test of strength in which someone is probably going to lose a limb.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 6/3/16

Welp, I guess Jeff wasn’t being fired by his therapist earlier this week; he was being told to go back to his childhood home, to get “closure” or whatever, and also just start pulling up the floorboards of his old attic, despite the distinct lack of enthusiasm displayed by the house’s current resident. Meanwhile, in the future, we’re discovering how this actually ties in with his mother’s death: he’s using the decoder ring he’s found to translate a message from his mother, who is in outer space, which is apparently where hell is.

Mary Worth, 6/3/16

Looks like all the girls who were being super mean to Dawn because they thought she was sleeping with her professor are pals with her again because she’s deigned to spend time with them in between dropping Harlan’s name every other sentence, because that’s how human beings work! I am very much assuming that this upcoming showing of X-Men: Apocalypse that Dawn is being lured to will go pretty much like the prom scene in Carrie, except without the revenge via psychic powers.

Hi and Lois, 6/3/16

“Maybe I’m just not very good at school?”

Pluggers, 6/3/16

You’re a plugger if your grandchildren dislike you and flee from your presence the moment you’re distracted.