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Mary Worth, 11/20/07

Ah ha! Chester’s real owner! Here at last is the conflict, the drama that has eluded this storyline for so long! Mary will be confronted with some sad-eyed waif who’s so happy to be reunited with her very special Prince Snuffles or whatever the dog’s real name is. She’ll be all torn up inside about letting go of the dog she’s come to love in a short time. Will she be able to do it? Will she do the right thing and return the dog to his rightful owner? Or will she find some way to rationalize keeping the dog, leaving the child heartbroken? Action! Excitement!

Or, you know, it could play out like the damn condo rules feint. “I’d better find out if Chester has a real owner. Oh, he doesn’t! Hooray! I’m so great!” Damn you, Mary Worth, I don’t need another strip that sets up dilemmas only to summarily dispatch them with no effort on the part of the characters. I have Spider-Man for that.

You’ll note that Chester himself has given up on anything fun happening in this strip and has decided to just hump Mary’s leg until her shin goes numb.

Herb and Jamaal, 11/20/07

Ah, yes, “that sappy chick flick.” Thank God US law only allows one of those to be in theaters at any given time so that we don’t have to sully our lips with its name.

Judge Parker, 11/20/07

Things that might be going through Abbey’s shocked and horrified mind in panel three:

• “Oh my God, my husband kissed another woman!”
• “Oh my God, my husband kissed a woman!”
• “Oh my God, my husband broke several rules in the Bar Association’s ethics code!”
• “Oh my God, my husband thinks that ‘a big wet smacker on the lips’ is some kind of acceptable phrase to use in conversation!”

And here’s a couple of amusing standalone panels for today:

Panel from Gil Thorp, 11/20/07

We all know how pathetic and basically lonely Coach Thorp is, but today, with Gil giving a pep talk to the shrubbery outside his house, really brings it home.

Panel from Popeye, 11/20/07

There’s context for this, sort of, but I like it best in hilariously inappropriate isolation.

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Family Circus, 11/19/07

I’m not going to denigrate Billy’s school for letting him on the team based on the quality of his celebratory frolicking. After all, wasn’t the Ickey Shuffle pretty much the high point in the long and non-storied history of the Cincinnati Bengals franchise? The competition for ticket dollars among elementary school football programs is fierce, and so obviously each team will want to find the best showmen to keep the crowds coming back. No, what disturbs me is how dirty Billy is, which frankly doesn’t speak well for the aesthetic judgement of the coaches. I mean, what, did his “touchdown dance” consist of him rolling around in the dirt? Or did (God forbid) he attempt to breakdance? While I don’t doubt that our moronic little towhead might think that such pathetic displays might constitute a good signature celebration, I find it sad that they would earn him a spot on the team. This is why the athletic and drama departments really need to work together more closely.

Gil Thorp, 11/19/07

Speaking of which, Cully seems to have come to Coach Thorp’s office directly from rehearsal for the school production of Dracula. “I’m no killer! I merely drain the blood I need for sustenance from the veins of my victims, transforming them into the living dead.”

Gil’s smug diagonal leaning pose (a common enough Gil Thorp visual trope; see for instance here and here) is all the more hilarious because his little head game is epically misguided and pointless, and certainly nothing to be proud of. “See, Cully, I told you — you’re no killer! You’re a bully who breaks into people’s houses to steal electronics, and you’ll probably be addicted to meth soon if you aren’t already. Now run along! Oh, and please kill Marty Moon. I’m serious.”

Mark Trail, 11/19/07

Ah, if there’s one thing that’s going defuse a violent situation and calm down a dude who’s got a gun out in his boat, it’s condescendingly tousling his hair, then pumping him full of caffeine. That’s just the sort of crowd control techniques you learn at Mountie Academy! Or forest ranger school. Or in basic training, preparing to go fight Fritz with General Pershing’s army. Seriously, who the hell is that guy supposed to be?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/07

Make it stop, I’m begging you. Hey, remember when June went to the DMV! Ha ha, good times! Please. I … I won’t make fun of you any more. Just let up for a day or two. Please.

Also, fans of TDIET and/or toys will want to check out today’s Shortpacked!

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Gil Thorp, 11/18/07

I know that, what with snoopy English teacher Bob Roth listening from the next room, this is supposed to be some kind of “test”, where if Cully agrees to be Gil’s instrument of death it will prove that the he’s rotten to the core, but if he says no it goes to show that he’s basically a good kid and who cares if he and his sketchy friends steal a TV or six, amiright? But wouldn’t it be great if Gil was dead serious, and his whole purpose in recruiting this hulking, troubled teen onto his football team was to silence the Milford athletic department’s most strident media critic? I imagine that Gil Googled Cully’s criminal history and his mind lit up with lovely images of Marty’s neck snapping from one fallaway slam too many. This would also explain why Marty has been uncharacteristically reticent to criticize Coach Thorp’s leadership of a 1-4 team whose standout player is a kid with one leg — he knows that with a murderer on the team, he’s marked for death. But even his silence won’t save him now, as there’s too much bad blood between them! As for why Gil would be allowing Bob Roth to listen to the hit being ordered in this scenario … well, maybe Gil thinks that in doing so he’s implicating Bob in the crime? No, it doesn’t make sense, but then again Gil isn’t very smart.

Apartment 3-G, 11/18/07

In case you’re baffled by this pile-up in the hallway, Neil is the caddish director of Gina’s play who cruelly toyed with Tommie’s affections (among other things) at the cast party, Gina was, I swear, being set up to be the Professor’s girlfriend, and Gina’s hair somehow even looks worse than it did before.

Archie, 11/18/07

Why has the living room suddenly been plunged into inky blackness in the final panel? Has the AJGLU-3000 discovered German expressionist film? Does the darkness represent that bleak state of Mr. Andrews’s soul, as he contemplates the gulf that lies between him and his son, and his own part in creating it? Or was “Hey, Dad, do you want me to leave the light on in here?” the question that Archie planned to ask?