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Apartment 3-G, 12/10/07

I’m not sure what I would have expected Margo’s reaction to a simple, open-hearted gesture of human kindness to have been, but “recoiling in horror” seems about right. I do sort of wonder why she thinks running a chain of hair salons qualifies someone to plan a wedding, but she is desperate. And not a particularly good event planner. Maybe she just takes Ruby’s business prowess as evidence that she’s not a mouth-breathing submoron like her cousin Lu Ann.

Weighing against Ruby’s intelligence, of course, is the fact that she keeps calling Margo “Maggie”. At first I thought she just actually didn’t know A3G’s feistiest roommate’s name, but I’m beginning to think that she believes that “Maggie” is an acceptable nickname for anyone whose name starts with “M” and then has a “G” in there somewhere. (Note: It isn’t.)

Gil Thorp, 12/10/07

This little expedition in school spirit-based vandalism cannot end well. I’m going to bet that the current governor of whatever benighted state Milford is in ran on an “I’m even tougher on crime than the other guy who’s tough on crime” platform, resulting in a “two strikes and you’re out” rule on the state lawbooks. Thus, once Cully is caught red-handed in an act of senseless spirit rock desecration, he’ll be sent to the big house for 25 years. There, as he whiles the decades away lifting weights, only one thought will be on his mind: “MUST. KILL. ONE-LEGGED BILL. (OR WHOEVER THAT IT IS IN THE CAR. I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S BILL THOUGH.)” Somewhere in the year 2034, Bill Ritter will be leaping about on whatever advanced cybernetic limbs are available then, only to come face to face with Cully, hell-bent on revenge!

Momma, 12/10/07

“Hmm, I’ve been doing this strip for 37 years, and I’ve constantly harped on the fact that Momma is unnaturally jealous of her daughter-in-law. But how can I make this so vilely obvious that everyone gets a full sense of this feature’s Oedipal horror?”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/10/07

Our long good-bye to Al Scaduto begins today with this entry from “Samantha Gordano,” who is also faithful Comics Curmudgeon reader mako. “Of course I wrote in talking about [my husband’s] inability to find the trash can for juice containers,” she says, “but Mr. Scaduto must have known about his propensity for letting the dog clean it up as well.” She says she’d like to dedicate this strip to his honor. What I want to know is, does she want to vacuum his skull on the inside or the outside?

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Mary Worth, 12/5/07

Fun possibilities for the “something” Mary is about to tell Jeff:

• “…if you’re actually upset about spending less time with me, you’re more of a twisted masochist than I thought.”
• “…once I complete my human-animal hybrid research, ‘ChesterJeff’ will be receiving all of my attention.”
• “…I flew all the way to a filthy third-world hellhole to get you back from a rewarding, fulfilling career, so obviously I don’t give rat’s ass about what you want. Either you come back to my apartment and wheeze away while staring at me worshipfully, or go to hell.”

Gil Thorp, 12/5/07

Fun possibilities for the “something” that Grant and Jimmy did for Cully Vale:

• Bribed Marty Moon’s doctor to horribly botch his eye job and facelift, leaving him with a permanent, frozen expression of stunned surprise.
• Killed Marty Moon as per Gil’s instructions, and left his gape-mouthed severed head in the broadcasting booth, spewing forth prerecorded banter from an iPod they taped to his skull.
• Made him team captain and let him call the coin toss, only to unveil an enormous “CULLY VALE IS A MURDERER” banner at the moment that all eyes are on him.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/07

Fun possible ways in which Margo might try to help Ruby have some fun:

• Taking her to a bar to try to pick up much younger men.
• Taking her to her dealer to buy some coke.
• Convincing her that there’s nothing more thrilling than the glamorous, fast-paced world of Manhattan party planning!

Family Circus, 12/5/07

Don’t look so God-damned smug, Billy. You just condemned your family to at least three weeks of accordion music and the sight of Dolly lurching about spasmodically.

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Gil Thorp, 12/3/07

“Yeah, we could probably test it at Tilden … by why not just keep failing spectacularly with the offense that was terrible before we stopped practicing it? Since we already have no chance to make the playdowns, there’s no point in having fun or trying hard in any of our remaining games. A healthy diet of humiliation will have our boys all the more eager to pull their half-assed Wing T trickery against Valley Tech!”

Meanwhile… Marty Moon suddenly realizes the free press’s obligation to challenge the Putinesque dictatorship of Coach Thorp’s athletic administration. Unfortunately, he’s eight weeks behind teenaged dim bulbs Howard and Tony in mining the Google for useful anti-Gil ammunition. Presumably old-school radio man Marty usually avoids the Web and has been waiting for this whole “Internet” fad to blow over, but recently discovered that you can buy booze there.

Apartment 3-G, 12/3/07

Dizziness … giddiness … elevated heart rate … shortness of breath … Nurse Thompson carefully reviewed the symptoms in her mind, thinking back to her medical training to try to come up with a correct diagnosis. Could it have been the one syndrome that wasn’t in her dusty textbooks: sexual arousal? Or maybe it was an asthma attack. Yes, that seemed more likely.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/3/07

That right there, if I’m guessing correctly, is Mopey Pete, erstwhile persecuted high school dork and comics artist, spurned by best friend Darrin when the latter started dating a hot girl. According to Funkywinkerbean.com, post-time-jump Pete is now a successful writer for Marvel Comics. For what purpose has he returned to WinkerLand? I imagine that he’s breathing in the heady smell of Montoni’s pizza before he walks into the restaurant and starts unloading ammunition into everyone who ever wronged him.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/3/07

“You sit over there, under daddy’s whore picture. That’s the whore chair. For whores like you.”