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Gil Thorp, 12/16/21

Oh, boy, the basketball season storyline of Gil Thorp is already more promising than this fall’s snoozefest because it looks like it’s going to do one of my favorite Gil Thorp things: grapple with a Very Serious Social Issue! Remember back in 2009, when we learned that “‘sexting’ is a serious problem” that’s “been in Time and Newsweek“? Remember how the strip’s version of sexting was “a girl wearing a an extremely non-revealing bikini made out of soda cartons?” Anyway, I’m assuming that sportsduke dot com is the Thorpiverse analog to the sports betting site draftkings dot com, which has gone mainstream now that the Supreme Court said sports betting is A-OK a few years back, and Pranit is about to come down with a Serious Gambling Problem. Or maybe he’s going to make a bunch of money and then start acting as a bookie for his little friends! Maybe Milford athletes are going to bet on games they’re playing in! I demand maximum drama, darn it!!

Dennis the Menace, 12/16/21

I’m going to give Dennis the benefit of the doubt here: the way he’s cupping his hand next to his mouth is a little too theatrical for this to be an entirely sincere expression of anxiety, which is good because it’s frankly the sort of thing we’d expect from Jeffy Keane. No, I’m guessing that Dennis is trying to start some kind of mass panic among the children, either out of a simple desire to stir up shit or because he has devious schemes in play that will be furthered by a scene of screaming chaos. At any rate, I tentatively deem this to be adequately menacing.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/16/21

Wow, look at Tater and Jughaid, eating their cookies off plates like little liberal fancy boys! Snuffy is modeling the only way a real man eats: just letting your jaw hang slack and your tongue loll out grotesquely so you can shove the whole cookie in at once.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/21

I honestly kind of respect how many no shits this local news crew gives about this extremely pointless segment. Like, normally they would’ve called in advance, made sure everyone relevant to the story was available and in the same room before they started, talked them through the questions they were going to ask, gotten consent forms signed by their parents, etc. But, whatever, channel [squints] “GTV8” does it cinéma vérité style, letting the chain of connections and relationships that ultimately brought the truth to light unspool for the viewers at home exactly as the documentarians are discovering them. I certainly hope that this entire thing is being broadcast live, as was the hour or so they spent standing around on the Morgans’ doorstep earlier.

Gil Thorp, 12/9/21

God bless Gil Thorp, a soap opera strip that I believe on the whole fulfills its basic mission of delivering goofy teen sports-related drama pretty well, but not every storyline can be a winner, and this fall’s has definitely been something of a dud. How appropriate, then, that it ends due to something happening off-panel, completely outside the control of the protagonists. I do appreciate that Marty is trying to sound like a big-time sports journalist who’s just had an intern run in to the studio to keep him updated on the latest scores even though he’s clearly just reading them off his phone.

Dick Tracy, 12/9/21

You ever wonder what happens if the new bras they give you before you go into witness protection don’t fit right? Well, don’t worry: that’s when the Federal Boob Inspectors swing into action.

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Mary Worth, 12/4/21

Look, Wilbur, they’re fish. They’re fish! They’re fine, but the gulf between their world and a human’s is much wider than between, say, a human and a cat or dog, and no real emotional bond is going to arise. So you see, she can never love them like she loved y– ohhh, I get it now.

Gil Thorp, 12/4/21

Gotta admit that I’m kind of enjoying how this Gil Thorp storyline is wrapping up: will all the teen characters just shouting the things they’ve learned (?) over the course of the fall at each other at a rapid clip while standing on furniture. Have you kids all internalized these little life lessons? No? Too bad, basketball starts next week!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/4/21

The Hootin’ Holler setting of this strip has always been one created by and for flatlanders to play around with a very specific set of stereotypes about hillbilles, which has been going on for as long as anyone reading this has been alive, so at some level it’s kind of instructive to read it as “what do people living in mainstream America think life is like in Appalachia, or possibly what life was like in Appalachia during the Great Depression?” Anyway, the answer provided by today’s strip is “Well, there’s big piles of animal shit everywhere, but the native peoples have made an alliance with the amphibian world to help mitigate the negative side effects.”

Shoe, 12/4/21

“Yes, you read that right: the cast members gave birth on stage, only for their newly laid eggs to be cracked open, cooked, and devoured to the horror of the audience. We’re birds, remember? Birds! Also, this newspaper only has two employees, so we’re a little loose about what goes into our sensationalist crime coverage and what goes into theater reviews.”