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Dennis the Menace, 9/24/19

Dennis not understanding common English turns of phrase is a key part of the Dennis the Menace mythos, but it seems the current strip creators have forgotten why that is. The point is that Dennis is supposed to use his (feigned?) ignorance as an excuse to reveal that something shitty his parents have said about one of their acquaintances in private, e.g., “You said there’d be an old battle axe coming over but all I see is this late-middle-aged woman with a bad personality.” All today’s garbage joke does is make it clear that Dennis is stupid, and somebody needs to take it over to the Family Circus where it belongs.

Family Circus, 9/24/19

The Family Circus really needs that joke, to be honest, because I have no idea what’s going on here. Who is this random teen, and why is Billy hanging around with him talking about math? And why are he and Ma Keane giving each other a knowing glance? “It’s algebra,” they’re saying to one another, wordlessly. “He doesn’t know the word for it, but we both know he’s talking about algebra.”

Zits, 9/24/19

So it turns out the terrible thing Jeremy learned yesterday was that he has to repeat freshman P.E., and I know I almost never talk about Zits here so it’s weird that I’m talking about it two days in a row, but I think it’s kind of interesting that a strip that used to get in trouble with the syndicate for using the word “sucks” can now do jokes where the punchline is that Jeremy is mad because his dick isn’t getting any bigger as his adolescence progresses.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/24/19

Hagar and Lucky Eddie can’t bear to look at themselves in the mirror, probably because of guilt from all the horrible murders they’ve done.

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Mary Worth, 9/15/19

Reading this strip, I suddenly had an intrusive memory of one of the all-time great Dawn Romance Fail plots. In the aftermath of her near death at sea, Dawn was on the lookout for a more meaningful life, and Mary had just the thing: doing volunteer work down at the hospital! Dawn immediately met Jim, a nice young man with one arm who lost his arm and his sister (who looked exactly like Dawn) in the same tragic boat accident, which meant that Jim had to prevent Dawn from getting near any bodies of water at all costs! He also wanted Dawn to have sex with him, and got angry and abusive when she turned him down, but Dawn’s extremely competent psychology professor taught her that it’s very important for women to break down the emotional barriers between themselves and the men who want to fuck/yell at them, so she managed to convince Jim to ease up and just be friends. And, having truly achieved her goal of living a more meaningful life, she never had to hang out with Jim again, but it sure took a while to get there! That’s why it’s great that this noble burn victim has managed to pass in and out of Dawn’s life in only a few moments, giving her a tissue … and a reason to live, and love again … without hanging around or making her pretend to like him or anything like that. He’s got his own rich, fulfilling life going on somewhere else! Probably! I mean, we’ll never know, but let’s just assume.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/15/19

I’m often fascinated by the way the top row of throwaway panels in a Sunday strip, which aren’t printed in many papers, can change the whole tenor of the piece. Like, if you didn’t have them today, this would just be the story of Lucky Eddie being late to dinner with Hagar for some unknown reason. But with them, it’s the story of Lucky being late for some unknown reason and made even later by a couple of comical farmer types who blocked the whole road! Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

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Mary Worth, 9/13/19

So there hasn’t really been much by way of a “twist” in this Dawn Summer Romance plot, honestly, but maybe at least now we’re getting to what’s intended to be the point, which is that Dawn having her heart broken will hurt for only a little while, so maybe she should just be grateful that she didn’t suffer some kind of terrible injury that resulted in permanent facial scarring, you know what I mean? Dawn, you hearing this? This saintly young man is offering to help you! Pull yourself together, girl!!!!

Hagar the Horrible, 9/13/19

Ha ha, so, the running Hagar the Horrible bit about Lucky Eddie’s mermaid fetish has all been in good fun, but today’s strip is getting a little too close to “hey, let’s think in some biological detail about mermaids’ reproductive cycle and, by extension, their sex lives, and specifically the sex life shared by this mermaid and Lucky Eddie” and you know what? Nope. This is where I tap out.

Crock, 9/13/19

Hey, you guys know about … brands? Well get this, what if there were brands … but for weapons? [My aide whispers the entire history of the military-industrial complex into my ear] Wait, what

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/19

“For that to happen, wouldn’t I have to have sex? Like, with Buck? No thanks.”