Post Content

Family Circus, 1/14/14

Even though the hairstyle/mustache combo marks this out as a probable rerun from the ’70s, I have a hard time remembering ever seeing a gentleman engaged in educating the Family Circus youth before. It does seem to undermine the Natural Gender Order, which is obviously troubling! Still, today we learn why male teachers (or, as I call them, “malechers”) may actually help reach kids in ways that more typical lady-teachers can’t: Billy feels comfortable telling this guy, man-to-man, that he isn’t really very smart.

Heathcliff, 1/14/14

Let’s ignore the horror of a clearly sapient creature begging his current owner to not callously sell him to some monstrous stranger and instead ask: since Heathcliff clearly has no problem with being this pirate’s sidekick, what’s the parrot’s problem? Perhaps the pirate’s lack of a peg-leg marks him out as a poseur upon whose shoulder no self-respecting parrot would deign to sit.

Mary Worth, 1/14/14

Ken thinks that if he just arranges enough scenarios in which Mary to falls into peril from which she can only be saved by handsome actor Ken Kensington, she’ll eventually have to submit to his advances! But will she instead come to the conclusion that New York is a dangerous death trap? “Hmm, Jeff’s never saved my life … but then again, Jeff’s never had to save my life!” You’re playing a dangerous game, Kensington!

Post Content

Mark Trail, 1/10/14

You guys. You guys. This is amazing. Before he was defeated in combat by Mark Trail, Jeff buried the precious Indian artifacts he stole outside the cabin, and is now refusing to tell Mark where they’re hidden. They’ll be lost forever, right? Oh, but wait. Remember this completely delightful panel from last month?

Well, guess what: by dropping that jar of homemade syrup into the artifact-basket, Jared inadvertently made this stolen haul irresistible to bears. This is one of the greatest delayed payoffs in Mark Trail history. Soon the artifacts will be back in their rightful place, in the museum Mr. Dunlap intended to donate them to, and only slightly worse for wear for being covered in rancid syrup and torn to bits by the claws of a hungry bear.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/10/14

I have been remiss in pointing out that 2014 has brought a new artist to Rex Morgan, M.D. Graham Nolan, who is getting a nice tribute in cereal form here, has handed duties off to Terry Beatty, who succeeded Nolan on the Sunday Phantom a while ago. Check out Beatty’s blog for more on his process — it’s pretty interesting!

The new artist is using his own style without really changing any of the character designs that much. I’m glad, for instance, that Sarah remains weird little gnome-person. I’m pretty in love with her facial expression in panel three here, as it seems appropriate for someone who really wanted to rat out her baby-sitter but eventually agreed not to in exchange for a cookie bribe, but now her mother’s asking her a direct question and you can’t lie to your mother, can you? So she’ll just have to tell on Kelly, even though she already ate the cookies! It’s like Christmas never ended!

Apartment 3-G, 1/10/14

Three cheers for Apartment 3-G for remembering Lu Ann’s tragic artist/drug addict/drug dealer boyfriend Alan, who got shot and killed, over drugs. You may wish to peruse my archive to catch up on the Alan plotline in all its glory, but at minimum you should Never Forget the following high points: Jones the beatnik drug dealer, “Wow. This dope is super — I feel great!”, “This better work. I just spent most of my paycheck on drugs!”, “And, face it, getting high is all I care about”, and “I’ll calm down when I get some drugs!! Please! I hurt so bad!!”.

Mary Worth, 1/10/14

“Still, Santa Royale is such a stuffy, hidebound place. It’s the sort of town where people frown on you just because you use an area rug as a napkin! New York is so liberating, where I can be exactly who I want to be, with no limits!”

Heathcliff, 1/10/14

Meanwhile, Heathcliff’s demands to be worshiped as a terrible God-King continue unabated.

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 1/2/14

SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT IN APARTMENT 3-G!!! No, not Tommie’s engagement — while the demands of plot stasis ensure that no A3G girl will ever actually get married, the ladies find themselves seriously involved and even proposed to with grim regularity, and so just numbers alone would make it inevitable that even poor dull Tommie would eventually attract a serious suitor. No, I’m just surprised that Tommie had the forethought to take her ring off before coming into the apartment in order to instill a little dramatic interest into her arrival, instead of just wandering in and mumbling something about marrying someone and hoping people notice her. Could it be that her new Italian fiance has schooled her in his people’s flair for the theatrical?

Not shocking: that Lu Ann needs to bring exciting conversation to a halt so that basic English words can be clarified.

Heathcliff, 1/2/14

Sequences of non-language characters in comics — like ★@X, say — are often taken to represent pain being suffered by the body part from which they emit. However, since I assume that today’s guest star is a man wearing a chicken costume and not wrapped in living chicken-flesh as part of a ghastly genetic experiment, the pain in question is Heathcliff’s, a rare moment of our cat protagonist actually suffering from his insatiable appetite.

Spider-Man, 1/2/14

Kids! Did you know that before Marvel Entertainment and Lucasfilm were safely nestled together under the corporate umbrella of the Walt Disney Company, hilarious quips like the one Spidey lets loose in panel two could result in unnecessary and destructive lawsuits? If you’ve enjoyed today’s Newspaper Spider-Man, write your Congressional representative to urge a regulatory landscape that encourages further media consolidation!