Post Content

Hi and Lois, 1/9/15

“Heh heh, if there’s one thing dudes like, it’s football, and the NFL playoffs, am I right? And if there’s one thing ladies like, it’s shopping, using credit cards. You can use credit cards in two stores a day, right? I’m pretty sure that’s how credit cards work? I tried to look it up online but there was all sorts of complicated stuff about interest rates and interchange fees and whatnot? It was confusing. The NFL playoffs are at least blessedly simple. I mean, they’re not, I don’t really understand how the teams are seeded, but there are definitely two games today and two games tomorrow. I’m just hoping credit cards work on the same principles.”

Shoe, 1/9/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because he feels that the coercive and violent power of the state with which he’s been imbued applies in his domestic sphere as well, and believes, probably with some justification, that his fellow law enforcement officers will look the other way when he threatens his wife! Never have the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror been so appropriate.

Family Circus, 1/9/15

Just to make this joke absolutely clear: Dolly, a child of the electronic age, views any instance of a machine not working as a symptom of it “needing new batteries.” (Actually, an real child Dolly’s age would probably say it “needs to be recharged,” but I digress.) So in other words, that toilet isn’t working correctly. And since the only thing a toilet does is flush, we can assume that in this case, it failed to flush properly. There’s pee or, more likely, poop in that toilet right now, is what I’m saying. Just a big old Keane turd, which Dolly is clenching her fists and backing away from. GO AHEAD, GRANDMAS EVERYWHERE, HANG THIS DISGUSTING SCAT PORN ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR. I DARE YOU.

Post Content

Hi and Lois, 11/23/15

Awww, looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays, if by “a case of the Mondays” you mean “a nagging realization that life is an joyless cycle of repetitive, meaningless tasks.” I think that’s what most people mean by it, right?

B.C., 11/23/15

B.C., meanwhile, reminds us that the Flagstons’ middle-class suburban ennui is itself a privilege, as many others see life not as a ceaseless loop of drudgery but a straight line that will be ending very, very soon.

Gasoline Alley, 11/23/15

That goodness, all that rude chatter is over and we can get what we came for: little kids telling weird ahistoric jokes on stage. Are the “!”s over our young Squanto and Pilgrim meant to represent solid, emotive method acting on their part, or are they genuinely surprised at Boog’s punchline? Is he improvising? Can you imagine children doing an improv Thanksgiving show? I can! It’d probably look a lot like this, to be honest. Maybe Walt and Skeezix missed the audience suggestions because they came in late.

Mark Trail, 11/23/15

Welp, seems like our no-neck Homeland Security goons had been following Ken and Mark all along by using drones to track Ken’s sweet skullmobile! They just figured they’d let our heroes take out the baddies on their own, without government agents getting involved unless absolutely necessary. They provide a better value to the taxpayer that way, you know?

Spider-Man, 11/23/15

Whoa there, random U.N. General Assembly delegate! You may come from a country with cool hats, but this is America and we don’t use imperious language like “Guards! Seize him!” Try some American law enforcement lingo instead. “Security, we need you to apprehend an Atlantean individual, behind the podium at this time. Suspect is weilding a trident-style weapon and is wearing a vest, repeat, vest.”

Post Content

Mary Worth, 11/17/15

At last, the crossover distraction is over with and we can get down to the hot Mary Worth action we’ve all waited for: Mary’s weird and off-putting relationship with a psychic child she flew all the way across the country to hang out with. Olive’s parents, always polite, want Mary to come with them to the many after-hours nightspots in the neighborhood of their tastefully appointed apartment. All the hottest clubs are just up the street! Perfect for when you’re rolling on molly and don’t want to drive and are afraid you’ll start freaking out on the subway!

Apartment 3-G, 11/17/15

The countdown to the death of Apartment 3-G is ticking away and … we’re still talking about Diane the fake psychic, I guess? Haha, isn’t it funny when a person claiming to be psychic can’t actually predict the future? This is definitely a clever joke that people haven’t heard before.

Hi and Lois, 11/17/15

I was going to make some joke about “the newspaper, are you kidding me,” but this is exactly the sort of lesson an out-of-touch high school civics or history teacher would give, taking the students’ moans of dissent as just more evidence that kids today are terrible, rather than evidence that kids today literally all have mobile computing devices that they can use to get the latest news at any time. Anyway, I think the way Chip is carrying that paper — with just his fingertips, away from his body, as if it were something mildly disgusting — is a pretty accurate depiction of the relationship between teens and legacy media.

Herb and Jamaal, 11/17/15

Most people giving thanks to God for the day usually frame it in terms of nothing bad happening to them, rather than the other way around. Herb, though, is particularly aware of the indelible stain of sin that marks all of humankind, and marks him in particular. Someday, he knows, he’s going to do something awful. Today is not that day, or at least not yet.