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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/13

“Hello, everybody, we’re the creative team behind Rex Morgan, M.D.! We know that you enjoy exciting tales of adventure and the medical profession, and that you also like hot bodies in various stages of undress. We made you a promise — that the attractive characters in our feature would occasionally strip down to their underwear — and we aim to keep that promise. Every five years or so counts as ‘occasionally,’ right? We’re working our way up to full frontal nudity, which should get the syndicate OK sometime’s in the mid 2200s.”

Heathcliff, 3/22/13

I wouldn’t worry too much about photobombing, officer; Heathcliff will not be visible at all in this picture, seeing as the camera is pointed directly at the suspect’s crotch. This is a very particular kind of mug shot for a very specific audience.

Mark Trail, 3/22/13

“In the meantime, let’s enjoy a big, hearty bowl of orange mush in Rusty’s honor. Mush was all we ever allowed Rusty to eat, and orange was his favorite mush color. He would’ve wanted it this way! Er, does want it this way, I should say, he’s probably still alive. At least we’re all hoping that he is! Yeah, that’s it, hoping.”

Hi and Lois, 3/22/13

“Or to late March, which is when this comic strip will be published!”

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Blondie, 3/11/13

Easiest way to distract Dagwood from all the terrible news you’re about to give him about his financial condition: Metaphors! Lots of colorful, confusing metaphors!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/11/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jamaal used to have sex with lots of different women, but now he has trouble pooping.

Hi and Lois, 3/11/13

I’m pretty sure this is the first time we’ve ever seen Chip’s eyes? They’re terrifying.

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Dick Tracy, 2/22/13

Long-time readers will remember when Dick Tracy was a staple of these pages, back before a new team, narrative coherence, and really sumptuous art (go back and look at that first panel again; I’ll wait) put an end to that. So it’s nice of them to toss in an grisly death now and again, just for us old-timers. Thanks, guys — BEROWH!

Judge Parker, 2/22/13

Ha ha, so L’il Judge Randy’s going to tell his fiancée — a well-equipped professional assassin with a hair-trigger temper and history of gun violence returning from covert wet work in some Middle East hot spot — that their honeymoon will trap them on a boat with Mom ‘n’ Pop, the very people she planned to escape by eloping, swearing him to secrecy. Sam’s concerns are misplaced — L’il Judge won’t live to see cocktail hour, let alone Mexico. Work it like a claw, and call him mincemeat.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2/22/13

The Scarlet Letter meets Welcome to the Monkey House. Those townsfolk will be mighty surprised when Reverend Dimmesdale shows up with a scarlet “D-” on his chest — the mercy grade Hester gave him so he wouldn’t try to retake the course.

Edge City, 2/22/13

Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin finally found a personal trainer well-suited to her capabilities and goals, and promptly stopped exercising. Husband Len sizes up the situation perceptively, but both irony and correction are lost on Abby.

Hi and Lois, 2/22/13

Lois, check out the the Cubs memorabilia and the Dylan, Who, and Led Zeppelin posters: this guy is your Dad.

Just a reminder – no Comments of the Week on my watch. Look for them when Josh gets back Sunday or, you know, whenever.

— Uncle Lumpy