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Curtis, 4/21/09

Ah, the innocence of youth! Way back in 2004, I found it unrealistic that Barry Wilkins would drop the word “chutzpah” into conversation. That, of course, was before Barry’s elder brother belched out the nonsense word-sequence “Say, they’ve set up a children’s biodiversity crafts and games stand,” making any quibbles about culturally specific vocabulary very much besides the point. At least I’m sure that some human somewhere has actually said “chutzpah.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/21/09

Tommie, if you defend yourself from sinister Dr. Joe by turning that can of HAIR SPRAY™ brand hairspray into a makeshift flamethrower, à la Rorschach from Watchmen, I will take back every bad thing I ever said about you.

And speaking of bad things, let’s look at just exactly what it is that Tuesday’s comics thought would make good grist for some light-hearted humor, shall we?

Crock, 4/21/09

Starvation.

Hi and Lois, 4/21/09

The naked exercise of economic privilege.

B.C., 4/21/09

Treasonous collaboration with a murderous oppressor.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/09

The gradual but unstoppable physical decline each one of us faces as we age, every new day being another step towards the grave.

Marvin, 4/21/09

The pungent odor of human excrement.

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Hey, Uncle Lumpy did a great job filling in and now I’m back, and you know what that means … an extremely late post! More thank yous in the coming-soon comments-of-the-week metapost, but first let’s get Monday’s comics out of the way.

Crankshaft, 4/20/09

So last week it looked like Crankshaft and minor league baseball racial pioneer/fellow old coot Jefferson Jacks were going to talk some sense into a promising young pitcher who was considering using steroids, a plot torn from the headlines of brittle, yellowing newspapers from two or three years ago. I was kind of looking forward to seeing Jacks (who, if I’m not mistaken, was created last year solely to shame this same spoiled pitcher with his tale of racial prejudice overcome) talk about how all these juiced up ’roid cases are ruining the game, which had its glory days defined by a generation of humble, hard-working heroes who were tweaked out of their minds on meth.

However, I hadn’t counted on Crankshaft’s dedication to total authenticity in storytelling. The strip really wants us to understand what it’s like to be yelled at by an angry, loopy octogenarian, and so the dementia-ravaged Jacks loses sight of his original point and instead launches into some insane tale of playing baseball against the nascent Cuban revolutionary government. Soon we will learn that Jacks’ cheating led directly to the overthrow of Batista’s benevolent democracy, or that Castro maintained his iron grip on power over the decades only because he was juiced up, or something similarly bizarre and inappropriate.

Hi and Lois, 4/20/09

Speaking of old people, I’m a bit concerned that the Nostalgia Channel appears to actually be shouting “FATHER KNOWS BEST” at its viewers. I wonder if the channel’s name is to be taken literally, and rather than actually rebroadcasting the shows (the rights to which are expensive), it just features senior citizens reminiscing fondly and overloudly about them. “FATHER KNOWS BEST! Now that was a good show … oh, wait, am I thinking of My Three Sons?”

Apartment 3-G, 4/20/09

You know, being on vacation is fun and all, but I really miss little moments like this. Ha ha, you work that elbow, Tommie! You elbow the hell out of him!

Your boyfriend is totally creepy, though. He’s right about that.

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Pluggers, 3/31/09

Ha ha, remember a couple of weeks ago, when something that went around a plugger’s waist was very long, because pluggers are fat? Well, it turns out that other things that are supposed to go around a plugger’s waist aren’t long enough! Because pluggers are fat, you see. Also, take a look at some plugger ass!

Since male pluggers are almost universally portly, why is poor Rhino-man the butt (ha ha) of all the “pluggers are fat” jokes? This might explain why he’s always so depressed (though it might be because he’s poor).

Gasoline Alley, 3/31/09

“And by ‘cry,’ I mean ‘tear off my own face!’ Argh, basic human kindness sends me into an insane rage!”

Hi and Lois, 3/31/09

Is this the beginning of Trixie’s transformation from “sunbeam-loving cherub” to “cold-blooded sociopath”? If so, can we sic her on Marvin?