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Beetle Bailey, 9/27/19

What’s your favorite disturbing detail here? A lot of people are going to say it’s that the fake parents have no legs, but I’m going to go with the fact that the creator of this little diorama has repurposed the PA system in this room for nagging parental dialogue, so that it clearly isn’t coming from their eternally open but eternally silent painted-on mouths.

Crankshaft, 9/27/19

This week’s Crankshaft, presumably inspired by someone spending a lot of time at book fairs, has been giving us a gently parodic tour of the various silly types you might see at a book fair. Today’s specimen: an author who actually wants someone to buy his book and is actively taking steps to catch the interest of potential customers, what a whore

Mary Worth, 9/27/19

“At least you’re trying. On to a different topic: have you heard from your father, who’s never tried anything and gives up on things extremely easily?”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/27/19

“No hilarity ensued”: The Funky Winkerbean mission statement.

Judge Parker, 9/27/19

Oh, hey, remember how Abbey was going to turn her opulent estate into a bed and breakfast? Well, today’s the today when she thinks to herself, “Wait, I’m, like, super duper rich, why do I have a job in the service industry all of the sudden? Fuck this.”

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Judge Parker, 9/16/19

OK, let me let you in on some “Hollywood insider” information: I’m afraid that spending three days telling a couple of unrepped aspiring screenwriters your convoluted life story of spying and betrayal does not mean that the movie that’s going to exonerate you will be opening nationwide in time for awards season. I’m not sure how often along the long, winding path to production April’s gonna need to blow back into town to threaten someone with a gun: when our gals try to get an agent? At meetings with Netflix execs who see it more as a series? When they get the first round of producer notes telling them the protagonist needs to be more likable? This could be a lot more work than she’s bargained for, and she might want to look into getting an apartment in LA.

Six Chix, 9/16/19

I honestly appreciate to work put into actually making the grawlixes look like real physical objects, but to me it has the downside of trying to read them as a rebus and figure out what the swear word is supposed to be. “Screw poop”? “Screwy shit”? “Screw turd”? I feel like I’m so close, but not quite there.

Hi and Lois, 9/16/19

Hell yeah, Trixie feels good about how she looks and does not feel constrained by the gender binary. You go, kiddo!

Shoe, 9/16/19

It took me a few seconds to see the flowerpot that Biz is holding in panel two here, and so I parsed “bouquet” in the sense of “odor” or “smell” and assumed that the poor old man had the literal small of death on him. Like, just the odor of an embalmed corpse that he couldn’t get out of his nose. Anyway, let’s all have a fun week, everyone!

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Judge Parker, 9/9/19

Oh, man, remember when Judge Parker Senior confessed on TV that he did a crime, and then some other mean judge — probably because judges actively breaking the law is a sore spot for him for some reason, maybe because it makes all judges look bad or maybe he just doesn’t like a two-tier justice system for the rich and poor, who can say — put Judge Parker Senior in jail? Well, it looks like our gang is about to do another crime to get Judge Parker Senior out of jail, and it is extremely key that current Judge Randy Parker not know any of the details. Definitely everything he’s heard up to this point would lead him to believe that Sam’s plan is on the up and up! He won’t be going to jail, no sir!

Dustin, 9/9/19

Nice to see that Dustin is taking a day off from its usual shtick of slamming on millennials, or even its occasional shtick of slamming on baby boomers, to cover a subject we can all enjoy: TV commercials. You ever notice how many commercials are on TV, folks? Millennials don’t, because they use their parents logins to watch Netflix and HBO Go on their laptops in their rooms, but that’s neither here nor there.

Pluggers, 9/9/19

You’re a plugger if you need to hide coupons from your spouse because you know his love of terrible processed foods combined with his love of a bargain could literally kill him this week.