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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/19

I’m not sure which I find more disturbing: the physical configuration of Snuffy’s body, which appears to be lazily half-flopping off the bed as he refuses to put even the least bit of effort into maintaining his dignity, or the topography of the Smif property, which is now revealed to be riven by one of Hootin’ Holler’s innumerable chasms. At least we now have an explanation of why Loweezy is willing to stand for so long by the mailbox, waiting for missives from the outside world to arrive.

Judge Parker, 3/30/19

Oh, hey, it turns out the reason Marie’s husband Roy faked his death is that he was deep in debt to the mob — like, $1.3 million dollars deep — and now they’re gonna come after Marie! Of course, the Parker-Drivers are famous for writing large checks to make problems go away for the family, but Marie’s not exactly family, is she? So, who do we think the “people” Sam knows are who he’s going to foist Marie off onto? I’m guessing it’s the big shot Hollywood agent who he connected with the rural marijuana farmer back in 2012. Hope that mineshaft is still climate controlled!

Zits, 3/30/19

I know this supposed to be “the newspaper comics poking fun at itself,” but I dearly hope it’s actually presaging a vicious feud on the funny pages. Watch out, 90-year-old legacy strips! Young whippersnappers that have only been on the comics pages for a mere 20 years — the blink of an eye, really — are coming for you!

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Judge Parker, 2/24/19

Oh, hey, Judge Parker! Here’s what’s been going in Judge Parker: the police of the tropical island paradise where Marie was enjoying her honeymoon with Roy were only suggesting that she had killed him in order to flush him out of hiding, because it turned out he had embezzled a bunch of money from his employer and faked his death and now was on an entirely different resort island several thousand miles away. Obviously Marie is very broken up about this, which is why it’s extremely kind of Sam to let her fly back to the States in business class with him, right before she has to go back to cleaning his underwear and cooking him dinners that he’ll briefly acknowledge with a grunt before eating in stony silence.

Family Circus, 2/24/19

Oh, isn’t that cute! This hill is haunted by the ghosts of all the other children who died sledding down its steep, dangerous slopes! Look at Big Daddy Keane’s little smile: he knows.

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Mary Worth, 1/25/19

One of the things that makes it so much fun (YES, IT’S FUN, I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 14 YEARS AND IT’S STILL FUN, DARN IT) to analyze the soap opera strips is that the gap between what it seems like we’re supposed to believe is happening and what we actually see happening is hilariously wide. Like, so far Ian’s been winked at and less than chatty at dinner (which, you know, so has Toby). Is this what Mary Worth thinks the warning signs of an affair look like? Is this what Mary Worth thinks an affair is? Just a rash of winking-based adultery ruining marriages left and right all over this land of ours? The only way to prevent this is to make botox treatments that immobilize the whole eye area mandatory. Toby’s probably way ahead of the game!

Judge Parker, 1/25/19

Oh my goodness, Sam’s pissyface glowering at the back of this press conference is very much giving me life today! “How dare he,” the lawyer, who has no qualifications to practice in this jurisdiction and also isn’t great with what you’d call “people skills,” fumes. “How dare he describe exactly the things I’ve been doing since I got here, on camera!”