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Judge Parker, 10/23/16

Godiva Danube (neé Brunhilde Akerman) burst upon our collective consciousness in April 2009 as movie star, equestrienne, wife of country-music legend Rocky Sledge, supporter of Our Brave Troops, and adoptive mother of six refugee children (all now playing nicely with the Thorp kids down at the bottom of the memory hole; don’t forget to toss in some Legos and string cheese as you pass by).

Today, with the Godiva-affiliate wing of the Spencer-Driver empire in literal collapse behind her, she wisely if callously cuts her losses, protects her #Brand, and Gets the Hell out of Dodge. Given the new author’s interest in paring down the cast of characters, this may be the last we’ll see of her. Farewell, Godiva, and thanks for all the cheesecake!

[Caution: video plays oom-pah music. Sincere apologies to Tom Jones.]

Mark Trail, 10/23/16

Heart-stopping killer eyeball plants – for those special times when parasitic flatworms aren’t creepy enough!

Mary Worth, (panels) 10/23/16

Through the dark times of addiction and even prison, you never, ever question your Worth — not if you know what’s good for you, buddy.

Well, my time here is up.

SO UNFAIR.

Josh will be back tomorrow — thanks for a lovely week!

–Uncle Lumpy

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Family Circus, 10/20/16

“Ida Know” says Jeffy, swigging PBR from his juice box. “Not me,” thinks Barfy, the only one with a remotely plausible beard. “Look at me acting all baby and stuff,” beams PJ ironically in his flannel onesie.

Sally Forth, 10/20/16

While we were off watching Judge Parker, the Forths dramatically upgraded their foreplay.

Judge Parker, 10/20/16

Sure, the Chubbs can be bought — but they won’t stay bought.

Pluggers, 10/20/16

“Oops — sorry, Spider-Man!”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Crock, 10/16/16

Buns of Steel — you remember: Alaska fitness entrepreneur Greg Smithey, VCR tape, 1987? Thirty years ago? Inherently funny. I mean, “buns,” heh, that’s comedy gold amirite. So, are we done here? Draw it up and publish — just be sure to put a big butt in there somewhere.

Judge Parker, 10/16/16

THINK, NEDDY, THINK!

THAT NEWS LADY WILL TRY TO PIN THIS ALL ON YOU.

CHEATING THE OLDS. LOCKING THEM IN STEEL BOXES. BRIBING THE BUILDING INSPECTOR.

SO UNFAIR.

WAIT, HERE’S HANK.

♫ “Hi, Hank!” ♪

THIS WAS ALL HANK’S IDEA. WASN’T IT? YES IT WAS. HE USED ME. THE BRUTE.

SO UNFAIR.

♫ “Thanks, Hank — ‘Bye!” ♪

SAY, I WONDER IF MARK STILL WANTS TO GET MARRIED? HONG KONG SOUNDS PRETTY SWEET RIGHT NOW.

Spider-Man, 10/16/16

Next to their endless faux-clever dialogue while they “battle,” the thing that annoys me most about superheros is the ham-handed logic used to get them out of jams. The conceit here is that the reformulated shrink-gas that took away Ant-Man’s “powers of a man” affected only Spider-Man’s man-strength, leaving his spider-strength untouched so the joke’s on you Egghead a.k.a. Elihas Starr, nemesis of the first Ant-Man Hank Pym and the second Ant-Man Scott Lang. But hey waitaminute – if that long-ago bite gave Peter a spider’s proportionate strength, shouldn’t shrinking leave him with the actual strength of — a spider? So splot, right?

Algebra is hard. I think Egghead’s chosen the right approach here.

— Uncle Lumpy