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Six Chix, 9/15/16

My favorite thing about this cartoon (or, more accurately, the thing I dislike the least about it) is that the hand emerging from the bottom of the panel could plausibly be assigned to either of the two characters. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to understand it as the blonde lady rubbing her chin thoughtfully as the brunette’s insane forehead tattoo causes her to completely rethink her opinions on the small conversational pleasantries that serve to lubricate our every day social interactions. But I’d like to believe that in fact tattoo-lady is resting her own fingers seductively on the chin on her interlocutor, as if to say, “Look, you and I both feel the energy between us, so let’s not waste our time with the conversational dance that normal humans use to build up levels of intimacy. Let’s make out. You ever made out with a woman with a bonkers personal philosophy tattooed on her forehead before?”

Judge Parker, 9/15/16

“People will line up for any job. Even if the job involves being locked up in a shipping container doing painful manual labor, even if the job is only open to old people in violation of any number of federal and state labor laws: if you post a job ad in the paper, dozens of desperate people will line up to apply for that job, no questions asked. There’s no story here! Covering this ghastly carnival of economic anxiety is a complete waste of our time as journalists. Ugh, why can’t we go film a war or something important like that?”

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Judge Parker, 9/14/16

Ever since Sophie and her friends went tumbling down that rain-slicked hillside, Neddy has been on tenterhooks waiting to find out if her dumb little sister managed to ruin her big day, by dying. Turns out she’s alive! Turns out it’s not incredibly inappropriate at all that Rocky lined up those three champaign flutes and held that bottle of bubbly at the ready, waiting for this call. Turns out we’ll never get to see him quietly returning the glasses to the cabinet and putting the bottle back into the fridge, unopened, while Neddy weeps over the terrible loss of publicity, not to mention all the money spent on jumbo cookies for the press, just gone to waste. I’m a little disappointed by this, honestly.

Marvin, 9/14/16

Considering how most babies and dogs actually have their temperature taken, I think we’re finally discovering the limits of what the normally scatologically-obsessed Marvin is allowed to get away with.

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Judge Parker, 9/11/16

As the Marciuliano Era starts rolling along in earnest over in Judge Parker, I’ve heard some suggestions that Garrick Panini’s vaguely Captain Kangaroo-ish look is a tribute to beloved Mary Worth character Aldo Kelrast, and the fact that he’s been harassing a late-night lady call-in show DJ might cement that thought, though I note that he’s been given a hint of a mullet, so that he conforms with the Trucker’s Code. I think it would be frankly hilarious if the shift in writers means we’re just going to abruptly wrap up all existing storylines and start in on Garrick Panini in earnest. “Detective Lucas! We found a girl! And another girl and two guys! They’re fine! They’re a little shaken up but the experience made the two girls understand that life is fleeting and they’re gonna let bygones be bygones! Also, the girl’s sister’s clothing line launch had a few bumps but her brand is finding a foothold in the market! And her father’s former legal partner’s father’s book’s movie adaptation is in turnaround, and his pregnant wife checked in with a CIA station in Banja Luka and she’s OK too! And I think that’s it! Is there something else? Something with Marie, maybe? Enh, who cares! Let’s talk about this bag of money for the next six to eight weeks.”

Mary Worth, 9/11/16

It’s really too bad Iris didn’t decide to start mothering again back when Tommy was having no problems scoring Vicodin, as he was feeling great and that’s the perfect time for a little low-stress, high-reward parent-child interaction. Unfortunately she’s checked in just in time for the hard part. What swear word do you think has been censored in panel five to spare the delicate sensibilities of the Mary Worth readership? Is it “heck”? Those sensibilities are in fact extremely delicate.

Family Circus, 9/11/16

Looks like the Family Circus-Pokémon Go co-branding had one contractually obligated Sunday strip left! I just want to point out that when it comes to walking dogs, “exercise” is often a euphemism for “opportunity to poop outdoors”; since Billy seems wholly unequipped with waste bags, I’m sad for all those park-goers whose vision isn’t cluttered with VR Pikachus or whatever, who’ll have to see the carnage Barfy and Billy will leave in their wake.