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Gil Thorp, 12/12/16

Whoops, looks like I almost completely failed to talk about Gil Thorp’s football season plot this year, didn’t I? In my defense, it was super boring, and here’s the quick summary: Heather Burns became a third-string tight end in addition to a unpaid coach, a potentially interesting development that resulted in no real conflict or drama whatsoever, and also Kevin Pelwecki got to live out his dream by becoming like the fifth-string quarterback or something, while obviously never taking a single snap all season. Then the team didn’t make the playdowns. Personally, I blame the failure to have a bonfire this year, which is why I’m very excited to see that basketball plot is starting with a warehouse rave! Let’s start a new orgiastic tradition to bring good luck and extra fertility for the coming season!

Judge Parker, 12/12/16

I’ve also been neglecting Judge Parker, mostly because the pieces of the plot have been slowly moved into place over the past few weeks and I’ve sort of been waiting for action and drama. But now: action! Drama! Sophie, after mysteriously disappearing from the car wreck, just as mysteriously reappeared! And finally, with this press conference, the Spencer-Drivers really get some use out of the ludicrous faux-classical columns they wedged onto the front of their exurban shitbox to “class it up a little,” as they provide a nice visual frame for the news cameras.

I’m glad I hunted down that old Gil Thorp strip I linked to above, because it reminds me that the dude glowering behind Sam and Abbey is the detective working the case, and not, as I first assumed, Spencer Farm’s hired muscle, there to hustle journalists off the property if they ask too many nosey questions. The green jacket, in my mind, indicated that he had won the Masters Tournament at least once. The Spender-Driver family only hires retainers of distinction.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/12/16

Welp, considering that she’s been written as cartoonishly jealous throughout this dumb plot about Mason and Marianne’s non-romance, Cindy actually bounced back from the publication of shocking photos of her kissing him on the cheek outside her parents’ house pretty quickly! Not so Marianne, it seems. I assume that we’ve once again switched to black and white to emphasize the noir-esque nature of this story, which has absolutely no resemblance to a noir film in any way except that it might involve an innocent woman trapped in a web of lies having a fatal car accident on the twisting roads in the Hollywood Hills.

Slylock Fox, 12/12/16

So hey, if you were wondering what happened to Australia after the animapocalypse: it became a massive slave compound in which sapient sheep are kept captive, generation after generation, and forcibly sheared to earn export dollars for the dominant species, which appear to be wolves. Slylock makes sure that when one of these wolf-slavers steals from another, he faces justice — but when will justice come for the uncounted enslaved sheep? These carnivores need to watch out for the revolution that will put them in the same ash-bin of history with Homo sapiens.

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Judge Parker, 11/28/16

The characters in Judge Parker, who have spent the last few decades as the unquestioned lords and masters of all they survey, with people just handing them money and power for no good reason, have now been abruptly brought low by a series of tragic events. Frankly, we’ve all been so focused on Neddy’s factory disaster and Sophie’s kidnapping that we’ve neglected another damsel in distress: April, Judge Parker Junior’s CIA assassin wife, who actually vanished before the change of writers, after being sent to do One Last Job in Belgrade.

Anyway, Randy’s been pretty broken up about it, obviously, and today’s strip reminds us of a reality of the newly grim Parkerburg: our heroes are so emotionally bereft as to be incapacitated, but they’re still in charge, which means that vital decisions are going unmade. Look at that huge stack of paperwork! Randy hasn’t heard a case in weeks, which means probably there are some people in jail who have no idea if they’ll ever get to trial, or maybe some businesses in limbo because lawsuits they’re involved in can’t move forward. Is Randy a criminal or civil judge? Who even knows? The point is, he’s sad about his wife, and the rest of you people will have to wait.

Curtis, 11/28/16

Curtis’s dad is giving his son a crash course on what life is like in this fallen world, where a constant stream of resources are needed to extend the lives of anything, from an advertising agency to an apartment building to a human body. Of course, all this effort still won’t stave off your inevitable death, but that’s a story for another day!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/28/16

“Shhh, June, no. I know what you’re thinking, but it isn’t true. Sarah isn’t the way she is because you worked when she was a baby. She’s that way because we summoned her into existence via unholy, forbidden science! I swear to you we have the procedure refined now!”

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Judge Parker, 11/23/16

Just so you know, Sam is going full-on Failure-To-Shave/Making-A-Bulletin-Board-Of-Clues Crazy over Sophie’s disappearance. And I assume the man he refuses to represent is Garrick Panini? Sam, Sam, Panini’s chock full of clues! This is your best chance to find out the truth! Pull apart his toasted outsides and look at the gooey, delicious information within, metaphorically!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/23/16

Having failed to successfully bag a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, Snuffy and Lukey are just going to rob the general store at gunpoint.

Blondie, 11/23/16

Wow, Dagwood’s doing a lot of projection here. I think we all know who does and does not have a crypto-sexual fixation on food in this family.

The Lockhorns, 11/23/16

I know this isn’t the sort of thing I usually say, but … maybe The Lockhorns should dial back the existential despair? Maybe just a little.

Mark Trail, 11/23/16

Guys, the island in Mark Trail is still just straight-up exploding! I guess if you need to put more stuff on your list of things to be thankful for, “non-stop explosions in Mark Trail” is a good one to add near the top.

Mary Worth, 11/23/16

Very excited to get a close-up on these guys we first saw yesterday. I think we can say it definitively now: this is Mary Worth’s idea of what young people look like.