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Mary Worth, 7/1/16

This Mary Worth story isn’t just going to be about Wilbur forcing the Japanese to express emotions or Mary ghostwriting Wilbur’s column or Mary managing the help; it’s also about Wilbur’s girlfriend Iris and her ex-con son Tommy moving from one apartment to another! You might remember Tommy as an an aspiring meth entrepreneur (that panel’s from four years before Breaking Bad came out, people: Mary Worth is once again an innovator) who had cool hair; later, after he got paroled, he sold out and got a haircut so he could get a job as a janitor and a sandwich emporium. It’s nice to see that gainful employment hasn’t prevented him from growing it out again, although from the look of things maybe he’s just trying to match his mom’s hairstyle, presumably because they’ve joined some kind of cult together.

Gasoline Alley, 7/1/16

Since this coin is supposedly nearly 2,000 years old, you think Skeezik would want it examined by … I dunno, maybe an academic of some kind, rather than a pawn shop? I bet he regrets voting “Yes” in the referendum on the Expel All Intellectual Eggheads From Gasoline Alley Act now!

Judge Parker, 7/1/16

“Or maybe she just doesn’t like you! Have you considered that she might not like you? Often the most obvious explanations are also the correct ones.”

Pluggers, 7/1/16

[at the Tribune Company, 1993]

“…and we’ll illustrate the reader ideas with whimsical half-person, half-animal creatures.”

“That sounds great. One thing that occurs to me, though: won’t a lot of these reader ideas involve pets? The ordinary folks we’re targeting with this strip love their pets! Won’t that be extremely unsettling, as we’ll be implying a world where the division between humans and beasts isn’t a bright line, a world where there’s a muddled continuum of sapience?”

“No, I don’t think that’ll be a problem at all.”

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Six Chix, 6/24/16

It’s very sad seeing this grim future environmental dystopia whose inhabitants consider a scattering of trees in an open field to be a “forest.” This comic serves as a warning that merely “liking” activist posts on Facebook does not bring about meaningful political change.

Marvin, 6/24/16

DemonCat is a regular poster in the comments section of this very blog, and a little Googling has shown that all of these are the usernames of regular commenters on King Features’ official Comics Kingdom site, which is where Marvin is hosted. So, congrats, DemonCat and everyone else! You got a shout-out from Marvin! May God have mercy on your souls.

Judge Parker, 6/24/16

Wow, maybe the Parker-Drivers are more business savvy then I thought? They know that modern affluent consumers aren’t looking for mere products; they want stories and experiences, which means that they’ll buy Neddy’s amateurishly designed clothes because it makes them feel connected to the celebrities they idolize and vaguely patriotic for buying something Made in the USA! They’ll buy them at least once or twice, anyway, long enough for Neddy to book enough revenue to make the company attractive to some international conglomerate that’ll move the whole operation to Bangladesh.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/24/16

Wait, did Mopey Pete just say “may-soan” or “may-son-ee”? This is going to be bothering me for days.

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Six Chix, 6/18/16

This is, I suppose, a joke about “tree-hugging,” but I can’t get past the idea that this lady replied to a guy on a dating app who didn’t put up a picture. I mean, like, she did, right? Because he’s a tree, and she seems surprised by this? “Who did you expect,” asked the sunglasses-wearing tree with no arms, “George Clooney? Just because I put a picture of George Clooney on my profile? Boy, are you naive. By the way, I don’t have any arms, and the fact that you’ve put a glass of booze in front of me that I’m unable to pick up is very offensive.”

Judge Parker, 6/18/16

Oh, whoops, looks like Neddy and Hank weren’t up all night screwing after all! Nope, they were just waiting outside the local 7-11 for the print version of the newspaper to be delivered. Do they … not know that newspapers are on the Internet now? Sam and Abbey are correct to look extremely concerned.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/18/16

You spend most of a lifetime feeling angry, abandoned, and alone, only to conclude, after encountering some brief kindness in your declining years, that maybe this existence of ours isn’t an unmitigated pit of despair: the closest Funky Winkerbean will ever get to a happy ending.