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Panel from The Lockhorns, 8/4/19

Since Leroy and Loretta have apparently been condemned to some hell-dimension where they’ll torture each other for all eternity, it’s not surprising that the sick burns they’ll lay on each other will eventually start getting increasingly baroque, and I’m here for it. Hyperinflation-based insults? Sure! “That’s the the b.-pengő note of suits,” Loretta says, looking Leroy up and down with contempt.

Mary Worth, 8/4/19

Wait, hold up! What form of water will Dawn be showing her skills off in next? A river? A lake? One of those infinity pool things? An underground sewer? Hugo hasn’t seen noting yet — but he’s never going to find out what’s in store for him if he keeps wasting time with all these makeouts!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/4/19

The title character, seeking medical care for his aging and decaying body, lets loose a sci-fi pop culture quip with no apparent context (is the chair he’s sitting in … supposed to be like Captain Kirk’s chair? is this cramped, crowded office supposed to be like the Enterprise’s bridge?) while ostensibly smiling but in a really angry-looking, aggressive way, basically daring anyone to question him; his interlocutor, stands staring dumbly at him looking crushed by the overall weight of life and his disappointment in it. I believe we’ve finally created the perfect Funky Winkerbean.

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Mary Worth, 7/28/19

Hey, Hugo, “joie de vivre” is a phrase, not a “saying,” first of all, and you know what? We do have that phrase in the English language, and it’s “joie de vivre”! Because English just incorporates whatever words and phrases it wants from other languages, and then English speakers use them in day-to-day conversation, so they become part of English! Coup d’etat? Deja vu? Those are English now! Our language grows and changes because we don’t have a government-appointed commission trying to keep it pure, like French does! And that’s why we’re number one! [gets a chant started to the rhythm of “USA USA”] ANGLOPHONES! ANGLOPHONES! ANGLOPHONES!

Beetle Bailey, 7/28/19

What’s your pick for the most unsettling part about this fantasy Beetle has about being unable to escape the drudgery of Army life even after death? To me, it’s the fact that, even though he and Miss Buxley are married indicating this is in some indefinite future, he seems to have died at more or less the same age he is now, not when he was old or anything. What did he die of? What did he die of???

Panel from The Lockhorns, 7/28/19

“It’s ridiculous! There’s no context where ‘hard time’ designates a length of time! It’s a reference to how you spend your time, or where (like in prison). This isn’t clever wordplay at all! It’s just a confusing non sequitur and you need to cut it out.”

Dennis the Menace, 7/28/19

So, uh, Dennis got into a fistfight with a kid up the street! Like, I’m not even sure if I have joke to make here but I feel like it’s worth bringing to your attention. He punched that kid right in the face!

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Mark Trail, 7/27/19

Oh, hey, here’s what the real story with the gold mine turned out to be: some bad guys robbed a dude at the Tucson Gem Show and took his gold nuggets, but then two of the three bad guys died in a shootout with the cops, and so the last bad guy hid the nuggets way out in the desert somewhere, and then, five years later, picked up some impressionable young wrangers/vet students and lured them out to the desert with nonsense talk about a magic wandering gold mine so he could “find” the stolen nuggets in the “magic mine,” which has to be the most convoluted method of laundering stolen money I can possibly think of. Then he left behind a framed newspaper article with the context necessary to figure all this out in a treasure chest! It almost hurts my head, how much sense this all makes.

The Lockhorns, 7/27/19

I’m really enjoying Leroy’s glum facial expression as he stands far away from his wife, talking to nobody at this party. In a way, doesn’t he represent all of us? Isolated and alone at a social gathering, floating in some weird void, while our supposed loved ones talk shit to someone else?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/27/19

“It’s as if they’ve lost any agency of their own and exist only to be rewards for us! Rewards we definitely haven’t earned!”