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Mark Trail, 2/11/25

Oh, sorry I didn’t update you on the “Mark helps return a displaced manatee to the sea” storyline, or even [checks archives] tell you about it in the first place, but today’s strip pretty much recaps the high points so I don’t have to, in a real reversal of this blog’s original mission statement. The whole thing about the guys in bear costumes is actually a story that was ripped from the real-life headlines, except the real-life guys were actually just doing some light insurance fraud rather than trying to prevent the return of a manatee to the sea for murky climate-change-denial reasons. Anyway, I’m showcasing today’s strip because I’m furious that Mark is doing “flight” wordplay about guys in bear costumes, and you can tell that foreground bird in the last panel is upset that it’s been dragged into this thing as a fig leaf. “They’ll be hibernating for the winter … in jail” was right there!

Luann, 2/11/25

On the note of returning to some of my old favorites, I’ve decided to start reading Luann again, I guess because it’s worth it to inflict deliberate pain on myself just to feel something? Anyway today’s strip is about Brad trying to bake Toni a cake but the whole thing is actually an elaborate metaphor about his dick that’s both fully transparent and also doesn’t hold up to any degree of scrutiny, so I’m glad to see the vibes have not shifted too much.

Crankshaft, 2/11/25

Also, Crankshaft is back, in your life and mine! God, look at how completely dead Crankshaft is behind his eyes in panel three here, I love it, put it in a spoon and feed it to me like I’m a little baby that loves Crankshaft’s pain. Do you think the implication is that, now that marijuana is legal in Ohio, it’s not clear what “under the influence” specifically means? Or is it simply that the mayor may have gotten blotto after drinking too many Budweiser beers? Sorry, it’s neither: Crankshaft isn’t “implying” anything, he’s merely saying vaguely wordplay-shaped sounds while his soul screams endlessly inside, begging for a death that will never come.

Dustin, 2/11/25

Wow, Dustin’s mom has decided to divorce his dad! Obviously a big move but I think we can all say that it’s not a particularly surprising one.

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Daddy Daze, 9/21/24

How it started.

Blondie, 9/21/24

How it’s going.

Archie, 9/21/24

Veronica tries a little too hard to sell Archie’s lame observation—not even a joke, really. Foreground Babe knows the score.

Luann, 9/21/24

What is it with this strip and basic repairs? We’ve seen Toni use a torque wrench to remove bolts (when the torque is zero you’ll know it’s off!) and a pipe wrench backwards until the fitting broke and flooded the laundry room. And now instead of splurging twelve bucks on a good flap valve, Bets here commits to a lifetime of jiggling the handle. Which is somehow a metaphor for her relationship with Gunther but I don’t wish to explore that any further thanks.

Gil Thorp, 9/21/24

Coach Kaz—man of action—has a go-getter’s literal-mindedness. “I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for Gil. Here, at this table, drinking wine with you! He invited me!”

Program note: Rod Whigham, Gil Thorp‘s artist since 2008, is retiring. He will be replaced on September 30 by Rachel Merrill, who looks to me like a good fit. Congratulations, Rod and Rachel!

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/21/24

Here we see that Edda’s self-image pretty much corresponds to Amos’s image of her, albeit with subtle enhancements. And Amos, “briefed” isn’t quite the right word; the one you’re looking for is “pantsed.”

Well, that’s all for me; Josh will be back tomorrow. This was a lot of fun—thanks, everybody! But as much enjoyment as I get subbing in for Josh, it’s also a lot of work. So I think I’ll go find myself a nice park bench and sit for a while.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Heathcliff, 9/14/24

One of the hazards of the Backup Comics Blogger business is that you start musing about the interior lives of comic strip characters. To wit: does Heathcliff resent Garfield? I mean, he’s got nothing to be ashamed of: Heathcliff has run for fifty years; launched a TV show, movie, and more than 50 books; hung in the Louvre; and sponsored NASCAR driver T.J. Bell (2007 Ford F-150 #50). But relative latecomer Garfield (1976) is a force of nature: the world’s most widely syndicated strip; multiple TV specials; TV series in the US (four Emmys), France, and coming up on Nickelodeon; and wellspring of the Paws, Inc. licensing and merchandising juggernaut sold to Viacom in 2019 for an undisclosed amount probably north of a quarter billion dollars. When you think “orange comic-strip cat,” Heathcliff is probably your second thought.

So I understand Grandma Nutmeg’s mistake; I’ve made it myself. But I understand Heathcliff’s little scowl, too.

Crankshaft, 9/14/24

[Author’s note: On Wednesday I compared legacy comic strip Funky Winkerbean to a parasitic snail. That comparison was mean-spirited and grossly unfair. I have heard and understood those to whom I’ve caused incalculable pain and harm. I am profoundly sorry, and extend my sincere apologies to parasitic snails everywhere.]

In his Joan of Arc play Die Jungfrau von Orleans, Schiller wrote, “Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens”—”Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.” But I wish at least a couple of those gods would contend with Les here, so I don’t have to. Consider: Les is working around the School Board’s ill-drafted rule that disapproved books can’t be ordered by the school [nudge nudge wink wink] by ordering copies himself to be distributed to students through a local bookstore. Why not just pass them out in class? Don’t know!

And when that bookstore is torched by an angry mob, he accepts the kindly offer of another bookstore owner to take over distribution. What could go wrong? Maybe that thing that went wrong last time? Nah, it’ll be fine.

Frankly, if this “banned book” prestige arc ends with some stupid pun about Harry L. Dinkle’s “band books,” I’ll be strangely satisfied. That’s all I’ve got for you today, Les: go away now!

Luann, 9/14/24

OK here’s another Les, sort of a palate-cleanser. Like Thomas Fairchild in Sabrina—who took a chauffeur’s job so he’d have time to read books—Leslie Knox is unambitious, comfortable in his own skin, and content. He’s the bad one. Whiny, manipulative, anxiety-ridden, passive-aggressive Mama’s-boy Gunther is the good one. You will be made to agree!

Pearls before Swine, 9/14/24

Geez, and here I thought Dagwood was a fascist. Fight the cyclocracy!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/14/24

Panel three: Mary Worth plops down between Parker and Truck and hisses, “Listen to me, young man. You get right back on that bike and this time, stay in your lane.”

So ends the 2024 Comics Curmudgeon Fall Fundraiser. Josh sends his grateful thanks from far-off sunny Italy, and I add my own. Thank you, generous readers!

—Uncle Lumpy