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Mary Worth, 9/16/12

The “Dawn gets dumped and mopes and goes to Italy and is in a shipwreck but is rescued” storyline sure has had a lot of twists and turns and so far, but now we are truly seeing the 100% amazing payoff: Dawn is comparing an admittedly traumatic incident from which she emerged completely unscathed physically with a traumatic incident in which a young man whom she just met lost an arm. Her adventures over the past few weeks sure have provided her with some much-needed perspective about her troubles! Nevertheless, we already know that this will somehow work as a pickup technique, since an epigram from Anaïs Nin surely portends incipient sexytimes.

Mark Trail, 9/16/12

Mark, for a so-called naturalist, you have some funny ideas about our relationship with phylum Arthopoda! Nature is a rich, vibrant tapestry, and the idea that humans and spiders are allies in some kind of “war” against insects is simplistic and reductive. No, clearly both spiders and insects are mankind’s implacable enemies, seeing as they are gross disgusting creepy-crawlies; but their mutual hostility is a boon to us, and we must pit each against each other in order to keep both groups weak. A spider-insect alliance, particularly one with support from their centipede and millipede relatives, would surely overwhelm us, so must surreptitiously encourage intra-arthropod hostility at all costs.

Hi and Lois, 9/16/12

The most disturbing thing about Trixie’s school fantasy is that she apparently assumes that by the time she’s of school age there will be two of her. This may be the way her infant mind processes the existence of her twin siblings — perhaps she believes that Dot and Ditto were born as a single person but then split into two before the age of five. On the other hand, Trixie also seems to believe that she’ll be reading Tolstoy in kindergarten, which shows a certain degree of intellectual precocity.

Panels from Slylock Fox, 9/16/12

I love how upset the two construction workers at the bottom left of today’s Six Differences look. “Noooo, what are you doing? Your blundering, amateurish excavation techniques are ruining the integrity of the dig site! This is a priceless paleontological find, but we’re losing so much data as you drag the fossils out of the ground willy-nilly!”

Luann, 9/16/12

Mr. Fogarty would gladly give up the burdens of sentience if doing so meant that he’d never have to deal with any of the morons in this strip ever again.

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Luann, 8/27/12

Good morning, everyone! I’ve returned from my week-long comics-mocking sabbatical, and what better way to jump right back into the icy waters three-panel laffs than today’s Luann? Yes, Brad DeGroot has at last come into his own, lounging about in his tough-guy tank top, showing off his biceps and his fire department tattoo, running a comb through his greasy hair. The effect is somewhat undermined in panel one because that tank top looks long enough to be a cocktail dress, but still, let’s let him have his moment.

Momma, 8/27/12

Now let’s swim into full-on horror by moving on to Momma! Today’s strip is fantastic because just when you settle into a nice bit of disgust at the phrase “seeing some other mother,” you realize Francis is emitting audible groans of satisfaction and you want desperately to return to a world where the worst you had to deal with was a little light Oedipal humor.

Blondie, 8/27/12

Dagwood’s look of befuddlement shows that there can still be surprises in a marriage that’s lasted more than 80 years, and that those surprises are terrifying. “Wait a minute,” he seems to be thinking, “I’m the one in this marriage who goes on ‘wacky’ food binges in a doomed attempt to fill the yawning emptiness inside me. If that’s not my role anymore, then what am I?”

Hagar the Horrible, 8/27/12

In an example of the meticulous attention to detail that has made Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC famous, the irony in Hagar’s statement is driven home by the blasted, barren landscape his savage warriors trudge across, all the crops having been burned during the course of his band’s predatory raid.

Crankshaft, 8/27/12

Oh, goody, there have been 25 years of Crankshaft, so we will now be treated to some Crankshaft flashbacks! Nobody, not even Crankshaft himself, thinks this is a good idea.

Pluggers, 8/27/12

Hey, all you fancy-pants city folks with your computers! A little girl can’t sit on the dog-goned Internet, now can she? Check and mate!

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Hi and Lois, 7/26/12

Ditto’s look of complete and never-explained horror in panel two is utterly delightful to me. What do you suppose he’s looking at, just off-panel, that’s clearly causing him to rethink everything he believes about what goes on in his house when he’s asleep? Is Chip putting his final touches on his very own meth lab? Is Lois in the midst of a full-on orgy with folks from the local swinger’s club, a duty that Hi, tired from a long day at work, has begged out of so he can just read his newspaper? Has Dot been allowed to stay up and watch all the cool TV shows after her twin has been ordered to bed?

Mary Worth, 7/26/12

Speaking of delightful, I am delighted by today’s awesome “Life is brutal” callback, as Wilbur has been forced by events to acknowledge that all his attempts to cheer up Dawn have been disastrously counterproductive. If only he had acknowledged life’s brutality and just stayed home and watched TV with his mopey daughter! As it is, looks like he’ll have to engage in a little half-hearted fisticuffs for lifeboat space, for form’s sake, before his inevitable drowning.

Luann, 7/26/12

The assembled moviegoers are right to be horrified by the conclusion of this film. “The End” in Chicago font? What the hell is this, 1992?

Marmaduke, 7/26/12

Marmaduke hopes that, by exposing democracy as a sham, he can accelerate humanity’s decision to accept him as our eternal undead demon monster king.