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Family Circus, 9/17/09

Grandma knows that she’ll only be given time to tend to her methodical clothes-folding in peace if she manages to say something so confusing to whatever idiot grandchild is jabbering at her that they’ll wander off in despair. Fortunately for her, her grandchildren are very easy to confuse.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/17/09

Ah, yes, why not just have the text push out the boring pictures entirely from here on in, so we can sit back and enjoy panel after panel of self-justification?

Luann, 9/17/09

The inside of Brad’s head is even more troubled than I could have imagined. For one thing, he apparently believes his parents’ marriage to be a loveless sham.

Gil Thorp, 9/17/09

Say what you will about Marty Moon, but you can never doubt his total commitment to his job. Today, for instance, he bravely continues his play-by-play of the Milford football season opener, despite the fact that he’s clearly been abducted and sealed up in a wooden shipping crate.

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Spider-Man, 9/11/09

Just how spectacularly irritating is Spider-Man? Consider this. Over the past few days, Spidey’s been trying to come up with some vaguely plausible story that would explain why Mary Jane barged in on the sexy three-way he and Wolverine had going with Doc Ock but not reveal the shocking truth: that Spider-Man was some schlubby reporter nobody cared about. Since Spidey is not what you’d call “quick-witted,” or even “posted-speed-limit-witted,” the only thing he could think of was to suggest that MJ had actually burst onto the scene because she was following Wolverine. Wolverine is also not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you could at least see the gears beginning to turn, which promised some kind of tedious, irritating love triangle, which is the exactly the sort of thing that I bitch about in Spider-Man all the time.

And yet I found myself being actively disappointed in today’s strip, in which our studly mutant sweeps aside all thoughts of any such plot points with a meaty paw and barges his way out of the newspaper Spider-Man strip, presumably forever. This is not because I’m secretly a fan of superpowered romantic intrigue; rather, I’m a fan of the basic constraints of traditional narrative, which, postmodernism be damned, are there for a reason. The only thing worse than unlikeable characters beginning the machinations of an unbearably lame plot are unlikeable characters beginning the machinations of an unbearably lame plot before deciding not to proceed with said plot, because eh, why bother. And yet that very failure in storytelling is newspaper Spider-Man’s major contribution to the world of literature. At least this plotting feint lasted a whole three days; the legendary “intercom fake-out” incident got it done in two.

Luann, 9/11/09

And with that single word, Mrs. DeGroot has provided the most sensible idea anyone has had in the entire 5+ years of the Brad-Toni arc. So can it be over now, please?

SPECIAL JOSH ABUSE OPPORTUNITY! Hey Baltimore-area kids! Would you like to hurl balls at a target and cause me to drop into a large bucket of water? You can, this coming Sunday, September 13, between (UPDATED) 3:30 and 4 pm, at the Abell Avenue Street Fair! The fair is on Abell Avenue (duh) and proceeds from my dunking will benefit our community association. There will be many other fun activities, though obviously my ritual humiliation will be the highlight. (Note that I had originally said I’d be there from 12 to 1, but have just been disabused of that notion.)

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Luann, 7/14/09

You might think that being a big-shot semi-professional comics-mocking blogger is all fun and games, but I suffer for my art, and for you, my faithful audience. If you doubt the extent to my suffering, consider this: while most of you probably read today’s Luann and allowed an icy shiver to travel the length of your spine for a moment before moving on to something that didn’t make you doubt the existence of a loving God, I’ve spent most of today trying to figure out something to say about it, because, despite my previous declaration of disgust on this point, I sort of feel obliged to do so. Here’s the best I could come up with: I dearly hope that Brad and Toni are unable to back away from the implications of their cut-rate ham-handed “suggestive” dialogue and end up screwing right there on the sidewalk, at which point they’ll be arrested for public lewdness, thrown in jail, and murdered by revenge-minded but dimwitted criminals who can’t distinguish between firefighters and police officers. Next, a similar sequence of events polishes off Luann and Gunther, Tiffany and Quill, and most of the rest of the cast, with the strip being refocused on the adventures of Puddles the dog and, oh, let’s say Knute.

Beetle Bailey, 7/14/09

By comparison with the above, it’s been a joy to contemplate the pink tubelike form of naked General Halftrack. Ha ha, the general doesn’t like it when the doctor puts skin cream on his anus!

Judge Parker, 7/14/09

Long-time faithful readers of Judge Parker and this blog will remember that Randy’s ascendence to the position of Judge-Dictator of Parkerville, USA, began three years ago with an election race against the sleazy Reggie Black, whose main campaign strategy was to imply that Randy was gay. Randy emerged victorious, of course, by focusing on the issues, specifically on the issues that Reggie’s wife Celeste had with alcohol and rage. Anyway, poor Reggie, wherever he is, would probably love to have heard Randy admit that he doesn’t have any lady friends. Presumably, having learned well from his sensei Sam Driver, Randy has taken April to this romantic spot so that he can gaze wistfully out over the vista, with April eventually attempting to force his nose into her cleavage, to no avail.