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Shoe, 11/11/16

Happy November 11th, everyone! Do you remember that this is the anniversary of the day the guns of the Great War went silent, and there was a brief, idealistic window of hope that the slaughter had been so terrible that humanity would never fight a war again? And November 11th was supposed to be remembered forever as Armistice Day, the day the killing stopped? Ringing a bell? For anyone? The dashed optimism? No?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/11/16

After it became clear that we were going to keep fighting wars and making more veterans, November 11th got rebranded as Veterans Day, and so it’s often an opportunity for comic strips to make you uncomfortable by reminding you that their protagonists fought in World War II, which ended more than 70 years ago. Please enjoy this depiction of Snuffy Smith bursting out of his threadbare uniform, and when you’re done with that, please enjoy Snuffy Smith in Hillbilly Blitzkrieg, now available in its entirety on YouTube. The movie is so unwatchably bad I was wasn’t able to get through more than a few minutes of it, but I checked the Wikipedia summary and I need to steel you for disappointment: despite the promise of the title, Snuffy does not actually fight for Nazi Germany in the film.

Crankshaft, 11/11/16

Ed Crankshaft is also a World War II vet, but on this day he’s chosen not to dwell on the past. Instead, he’s thinking about the future, the future where cold, soulless machines will displace human warmth, and it fills him with despair.

Mark Trail, 11/11/16

Well, we all knew the chopperslosions couldn’t go on forever, so I’m glad Mark Trail is allowing us to taper off by at least showing us some hot (literally) smoldering wreckage action. It’s extremely funny to me how quickly Cal’s mind turns from “rescuing Mark and Abbey” to “fleeing in this boat, Mark and Abbey will be fine, probably.”

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Hagar the Horrible, 11/10/16

Well, it looks like someone at Hagar the Horrible likes to stoke my fascination with where the Hagarverse falls on the timeline of the Christianization of Scandinavia. Fun fact: the ritual slaughter of horses and eating of horsemeat was deeply ingrained into Germanic pagan ritual, so much so that the Vatican banned the practice in the 8th century as a means to promote Christianity; this is the origin of the modern-day Western taboo on eating horse. Anyway, Helga and the waiter look appalled by Hagar’s discovery, but Hagar himself is more quizzical than anything else. Maybe he’s cautiously feeling out the possibility that this restaurant is a secret hideout for crypto-pagans — and he’s interested in joining them in returning to the Old Ways, where you celebrated blót to gain fertility and good health, and then got to eat some tasty horse.

Shoe, 11/10/16

I love the weird, fossilized cultural nuggets and attitudes you can find embedded in the structural material used to build comic strip punchlines. How ancient is the use of “Wayne Newton” as a signifier for “very bad music,” do you think? Honestly, I would’ve gone with “Justin Bieber,” which is still a solid five years out of date but might tickle the irritation that the old people who read comic strips harbor for anything that’s happened in pop culture since they turned 45.

Meanwhile, I want a lot more information about these two condemned criminals, the Falcon and Guzzwanker. “Guzzwanker and the Falcon” has a better ring to it in my opinion, but maybe they aren’t a criminal duo but just happen to be scheduled for execution on the same day. Guzzwanker is a mild-mannered accountant who, if he hadn’t slipped up and left fingerprints on the murder weapon, nobody would’ve suspected of killing his parents to speed his inheritance. The Falcon, meanwhile, is a notorious international terrorist, and also an actual falcon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/16

“Maybe we’ll never get you convicted for murder, Starr … [one panel of dialogue that distracts you from how this sentence started] … and all four of us heard you confess to murder, so we will definitely get you convicted for it!” God, I hope that camera is still recording. The whole world needs concrete evidence of what dipshits these guys are! And, uh, evidence that Egghead is a murderer, I guess.

Mark Trail, 11/10/16

Ahhh yes, the helicopter explosion will be continuing indefinitely, just as I requested. That’s the stuff we need in these troubled times. That’s the stuff.

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Crankshaft, 11/9/16

I think I speak for all Americans when I say I’m glad this election is over with! Now we can get back to normal, everyday life: instead of having to listen to Crankshaft rant about how all politicians are criminals, we get to listen to him rant about how women these days all dress like whores.

Mary Worth, 11/9/16

Because I’m a monster, the first thing I thought of after reading Wilbur saying “We could explore the world together” is that would be funny if he followed it up with “…you know, sexually.” Because I hate myself, I then thought, “Are there other Wilbur quotes that would be equally funny ending with ‘…you know, sexually’?” And because I’m dedicated to bringing the real truth about the comics pages to you, I went through my archives to test my hypothesis:

• “I don’t want to live life painted into a corner … you know, sexually.”
• “My interview subjects were very gracious … you know, sexually.”
• “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you … you know, sexually.”
• “We’re back to the scene of the crime … you know, sexually.”
• “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am! … you know, sexually.”

Yup, it checks out!

Mark Trail, 11/9/16

Wait, are we just going to watch this helicopter explode over and over again, from different angles, while Cal looks on in horror? Because I wouldn’t be opposed to that, exactly.