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Crankshaft, 12/3/16

One of the ongoing Crankshaft plots that I find particularly unpleasant is “Crankshaft’s elderly neighbor has joy brought into her life by tween twins who alternately are baffled by her and condescend to her, which she ignores because she’s very lonely and figures this is as good as it’s going to get.” Anyway, like most old people, Ms. McKenzie is great at providing some backstory! Today, for instance, we learn that the present-day Montoni is not just some huckster who slapped his appropriately ethnic name on a storefront to help sell deeply mediocre pizza; in fact, he inherited his business from his immigrant parents, who ran it as a genuine Italian restaurant before he took over and cut costs by rebuilding the menu around deeply mediocre pizza. As you can see, Montoni still keeps some single-serving pasta Lean Cuisines in the freezer in the back, to placate the few customers who still remember the what the place was like before he ruined it.

Mark Trail, 12/3/16

Mark and Abbey: Still fleeing from a paroxysm of volcanic destruction, in case you’re wondering! It’s good to know that even in moments of high tension, the strip still sticks to its core values: our heroes may be fleeing from an unstoppable river of deadly, fast-flowing molten rock, but doesn’t mean that Abbey needs to cut corners by contracting “we are” to “we’re”.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/3/16

OH MY GOD REX AND JUNE DECIDED IT WAS “FINE” FOR THEIR PRECIOUS LITTLE SARAH TO TAKE THE BUS TO SCHOOL WITH THE NORMAL CHILDREN AND THEN SHE WAS IMMEDIATELY HIT BY A CAR

THE LESSON IS: THE WORLD IS FULL OF DANGERS YOUR CHILD MUST BE PROTECTED FROM BY A MOB CHAUFFEUR

AND IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD A MOB CHAUFFEUR THAT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE OF A MORAL FAILING ON YOUR PART AND MAYBE YOUR CHILD DESERVES TO BE HIT BY A CAR, A CAR SAFELY TRANSPORTING OTHER, MORE WORTHY CHILDREN TO THEIR DESTINATION

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Judge Parker, 11/23/16

Just so you know, Sam is going full-on Failure-To-Shave/Making-A-Bulletin-Board-Of-Clues Crazy over Sophie’s disappearance. And I assume the man he refuses to represent is Garrick Panini? Sam, Sam, Panini’s chock full of clues! This is your best chance to find out the truth! Pull apart his toasted outsides and look at the gooey, delicious information within, metaphorically!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/23/16

Having failed to successfully bag a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, Snuffy and Lukey are just going to rob the general store at gunpoint.

Blondie, 11/23/16

Wow, Dagwood’s doing a lot of projection here. I think we all know who does and does not have a crypto-sexual fixation on food in this family.

The Lockhorns, 11/23/16

I know this isn’t the sort of thing I usually say, but … maybe The Lockhorns should dial back the existential despair? Maybe just a little.

Mark Trail, 11/23/16

Guys, the island in Mark Trail is still just straight-up exploding! I guess if you need to put more stuff on your list of things to be thankful for, “non-stop explosions in Mark Trail” is a good one to add near the top.

Mary Worth, 11/23/16

Very excited to get a close-up on these guys we first saw yesterday. I think we can say it definitively now: this is Mary Worth’s idea of what young people look like.

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Marvin, 11/15/16

Yeah, uh, so, I didn’t mention it yesterday, but yesterday’s Marvin included Jeff’s mom telling him that his father was … back from the dead? I think my initial questions would be more general than Jeff’s, along the lines of “What?” and “How?” and “How are you dealing with this emotionally?” and “What kind of back-from-the-dead scenario are we talking about here, like a ghost, or a zombie, or a vampire, or a Frankenstein’s monster, or what?” But I don’t want to tell other people how to feel their feelings, so if Jeff wants to be all “His corpse, what was in my father’s coffin if not his CORPSE,” I support his emotional journey.

Mark Trail, 11/15/16

Oh, man, it looks like we misjudged that mean scary boar from a couple of weeks ago! He wasn’t mean or scary at all; he was just trying to get the hell off this exploding island, just like Mark and Abbey are. Too bad his species never developed boats, helicopters, emergency radios, or Coast Guards! Sucks to be him!

Mary Worth, 11/15/16

Welp, unlike Iris, Dawn definitely does not give a shit that Wilbur is leaving town for a year. “Sounds great! I’m loving life! This just gives me more opportunities to lounge around the house in my pinstriped pajamas and eat cookies! Hey, more cookies for me while you’re gone, you know? [cookie-eating noises]”

Shoe, 11/15/16

Do you think the bird-men of Shoe view festooning oneself with simulated mammalian hair — and leaving oneself open to the parasites specific to it — with particular disgust? That might explain why the Perfesser has blown right past the usual Goggle Eyes Of Horror straight into the Manic Grin Of Desperately Trying To Make A Joke Of This.