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Mark Trail, 12/12/10

In today’s educational Sunday strip, we learn some crap about Santa and Druids but mostly get to see with our own eyes how uncomfortable Mark gets when his wife is kissing him. “When the last berry is picked, the kissing should end — it must end. Please, please, let it end. Good luck in enduring a lady’s mouth parts touching all of your mouth parts!”

Mary Worth, 12/12/10

Mary’s intrigued by Jill’s M.O. “Instead of bottling her emotions up deep inside, she just lets loose with stream of invective! What compels her to be so open about her negative thoughts? Could this technique be learned? Must … find out …”

Spider-Man, 12/12/10

If I’m ever involved in some kind of superhero team-up, I hope at some point I get to say “I figured you could handle him — while I looked after the ladies.” That’s because I’m a ladies man! And also a coward.

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Panel from Mark Trail, 12/10/10

Let’s cap off a hilarious week in Mark Trail with this hilarious panel! Longtime Trail readers know that the idea of Mark having sex with anyone is utterly laughable, but this panel pretty much seems to tease us with the concept of a Mark-Kelly tryst, as Mark tidies himself up and Kelly offers the first T&A cheesecake shot ever to involve a polo shirt and mom jeans. Our first clue that something is amiss is that Mark is combing his hair. Mark’s hair doesn’t require anything like “combing” for maintenance! It’s a single ink-black unit that hugs his head, needing only the occasional regreasing. Clearly we’ve slipped into some sort of parallel universe, or perhaps are seeing only the images in Kelly’s fevered imagination.

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/10/10

And let’s cap off a hilarious week in Mary Worth with this poignant panel, as two strong men attempt to drag Jill out to the back alley and she desperately pushes her face back into the reception hall, trying to get in one last cuss word. You have to admire her stamina, and her determination to save Adrian from herself. “*@^%$#!” she shouts, as if this is the “*@^%$#” that’s going to push Adrian over the edge and get her to realize that marriage really is all a scam. “Yeah, what am I doing, committing my life to this guy,” Adrian thinks. “*@^%$#ing A!”

Apartment 3-G, 12/10/10

Because of Apartment 3-G’s weird fashions, which seem to be representative of no particular era or cultural milieu, it’s hard to get a sense of exactly how old the main characters are supposed to be. Well, here’s your proof: they’re somewhere around 13.

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Luann, 12/7/10

Oh my gosh, long-despised villain Dirk is suddenly going to become a hero! Some might find this to be a shocking turn of events, but it’s the logical conclusion of the same process by which the strip’s ostensible protagonists have become completely unbearable.

Mary Worth, 12/7/10

You thought that Mary Worth couldn’t get any better. You thought wrong. Panel one is a delight: I love the fact that Mary has escalated from a single hand to the mouth to two, and I’m practically hypnotized by the droplet of ketchup-wine suspended in mid-air within Jill’s glass. And then she gets out of her chair and karate chops Scott in the face.

Apartment 3-G, 12/7/10

“Yes, architecture, the practice of designing the buildings we live in every day with a modicum of art and grace … I’m sure it bores a bohemian like yourself to tears, as it does me. Oh, I’ve tried to really express my innermost self through my hobby, clothing design, but it’s about time I admitted to myself that my combination scarf-cravat — or ‘scarfat,’ as I dreamed of hearing it called on the runways in Paris and Milan — is never going to catch on.”

Judge Parker, 12/7/10

Ha ha, that classic Sam Driver smugness is still in full effect. “Some poor crazed woman out there who pines for me but can never, ever have me? That’s more intoxicating than this extremely expensive wine!”

Mark Trail, 12/7/10

Faced by the sudden and terrifying prospect of a woman in his room, Mark covers his genitals the only way he can: by bellowing out the largest word balloon his lungs can muster.