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Mary Worth, 12/17/18

You know what we haven’t had in a while is a good Ian-Toby story! Pretty sure we haven’t checked in with their marriage since that time Ian made Toby pretend to cook dinner for his boss while she was trying to work on her art show so she briefly left him and had to lay low at Mary’s until Mary got tired of that and convinced her to go back. Anyway, today we’re learning how Toby has learned to describe her passionless marriage in a socially acceptable way, so I assume this storyline is going to be about some hot thing tempting her to stray, ultimately without success. On the other hand, the final panel implies that maybe it’ll be about how she killed him and made clothes out of his thick, lustrous pelt.

Gil Thorp, 12/17/18

Well, it’s another cinematic shot from above, and at least Mike Filion doesn’t look like a warped homunculus, but I’m having a hard time parsing what emotion we’re supposed to be reading from him here. Regret, at not getting to see Soto “pound” those banana splits? Relief, at getting away from the other players? Sleepiness? Is he just asleep?

Mark Trail, 12/17/18

Urgh, are these guys on a different team from Becky or what? Nngghgggngh, when is Mark gonna punch somebody?

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Mark Trail, 12/16/18

Mark Trail Nature Sundays ought by right to be about animals, or maybe plants, or in a pinch, fungi. I am not thrilled with a whole installment that’s about an essentially geological phenomenon, and even less thrilled by the fact that they won’t even show it to us. Are we supposed to be satisfied with Mark locking eyes with us and saying “jacuzzi of despair” with a very serious facial expression while Cherry ever-so-subtly arches her back to lift her bikini’d bosom towards the orange, glowing sky? Because I’m not satisfied, OK? The god-damned boat in the first panel never even explodes! This is a sub-optimal Sunday!

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 12/16/18

I’m … pretty sure that Beetle is clinically depressed, guys.

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Sam and Silo, 12/7/18

I still don’t really have a handle on what Sam and Silo’s whole “deal” is. Is it a comic about a robe-wearing cowboy (?) who hangs out with nuns, or is it a comic about a generic white-collar guy who eats soup in diners? Why does the generic white-collar guy not eat soup by lifting his spoon to his mouth, like a normal person, but instead lowers his entire body down to meet it? Is “lowering his body” even what he’s doing here? Is his head retracting into his torso, like a turtle? Hopefully I’ll be able to bring you answers to these questions as this situation develops.

Crock, 12/7/18

You probably think that legacy strips like Crock are comfortable just running in their grooves, never really breaking new ground or exploring their cast of characters. But the joke’s on you, because today, more than six years after the strip promised to stop publishing, we learn that beloved character [checks Wikipedia] “Maggot” isn’t just the camp’s resident latrine digger: he’s also a cannibal, and one who’s tired of eating ordinary men and women and now hungers for celebrity flesh.

Mark Trail, 12/7/18

So it turns out Raul did not fall to his death, but instead crashed through this nice couple’s skylight and, apparently, into their dinner? Normally I can’t get enough of extreme closeups on the faces of these bug-eyed caricatures, but I’m assuming Raul is sprawled out on the dining room table, covered in delicious, piping hot cochinita pibil, sopa de lima, and other delicacies of the Yucatan, and I want to see the carnage, darn it.

Six Chix, 12/7/18

Fun fact: women absolutely do not wear strapless tube top rompers to yoga, as doing any kind of inversions would lead to embarrassing wardrobe malfunction situations. Also, snowpeople would be much more diligent about ascertaining the temperature of rooms before they enter, as prolonged exposure to heat causes them to die in agony.

Blondie, 12/7/18

“Boy, people seem to like Twitter! I guess they got games on there like they do on Facebook, huh?” –someone who has spent a lot of time playing games on Facebook and has literally never used Twitter once