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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/7/18

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen exactly one episode of the 1967 Dragnet revival in my life, but its plot is burned into my brain. Friday and Gannon try to bust a ring of hippie drug freaks, with one of said freaks, a bearded intellectual who thought his friends had “gone too far,” serving as an informant. They do manage to make the arrests, but not before one hippie couple’s two-year-old daughter tragically drowns in the bathtub, because her parents were neglecting her while high on [dramatic music sting] MARIJUANA. Then, at the end of the show, the informant shows up at police HQ and he’s gotten a haircut and shaved his beard and is wearing a suit, and he announces that he still holds to his ideals but is going to get a job as a journalist and work to change the system from the inside. That’s all I can think about looking at Justin here. Sure, it took a terrible disease and a mother so paranoid about doctors that it’s almost certainly a diagnosable disorder, but the important thing is that his hair isn’t hanging over his god-damned ears anymore.

Mary Worth, 4/7/18

I would of course never deny you the pleasure of seeing Wilbur singing along with Willie Nelson in the shower, but I also want to make sure you realize that that shampoo ad from earlier this week finally roused him from his depressed squalor and convinced him to, for the first time in presumably days or perhaps even weeks, bathe.

Mark Trail, 4/7/18

I love that Marlin looks more outraged by this development than anything else. “He’s going to ram the jeep! The very jeep I’m sitting in! Why, the nerve!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/18

I haven’t really been checking in with the story of Justin who can’t stop puking up his food and yet is remarkably reluctant to seek medical attention for what’s obviously a fairly serious condition. The most anyone’s been able to get out of him (other than the vomit) is that he doesn’t like getting hit in the knee with a reflex hammer, but today we learn that since he was a little boy his mother has been filling his head with horror stories about his ancestor who died from an operation, and whom neither she nor Justin ever met. We also learn that, in addition to not realizing that surgery is safer now than it was during the Harding Administration, she also doesn’t know that morticians are happy to give your loved one a post-mortem haircut.

Gil Thorp, 4/3/18

“Loses his mind” may be putting it kind of strongly, but I do like the engineer’s fairly extreme reaction to a little mild on-air cussing. Presumably he swept his coffee mug aside while flailing wildly in the immediate aftermath of the incident, and has taken his headphones off so he doesn’t have to listen to further swear words from Marty, or perhaps so he doesn’t have to listen to his gentle sobbing.

Mark Trail, 4/3/18

“The way we’re hunting down this rhino reminds me of the days when Jim and I were on that television show, To Catch A Predator! Only this time the ‘predator’ metaphor doesn’t reflect quite so badly on us!”

Mary Worth, 4/3/18

I don’t know what’s sadder: that Dawn is truly enjoying herself in Florence only now, as massive flooding driven by catastrophic climate change puts even hilly Tuscany underwater, or that Wilbur has to cruelly watch ads for shampoo that feature long, lustrous manes of hair while he’s trying to eat.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/1/18

Is it? Is it a lot more fun, Sarah? Because it doesn’t look fun to me at all. It looks fucking terrifying! Your parents’ heads are the size of your entire body, and they’re full of razor-sharp teeth!

Mark Trail, 4/1/18

At least the dinosaurs are all dead, in real life! Feral pigs are very much alive, and there are more of them than there are people in Wisconsin! Mark has described them as “invasive behemoths,” “voracious beasts,” and “portly pests,” and points out that they’re now threatening our very children. I for one am entirely on board with whatever government or military response is necessary to defeat them. No sacrifice is too great! Do we need to eat them? Then no matter what the damage to our hearts and arteries, eat them we shall!

Mary Worth, 4/1/18

Hey, I know I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Mary Worth, so in case you’re wondering “Did Mary take Wilbur up to the side of this cliff and then he just whined vaguely about his dissatisfying life and she offered even more vague comforting noises in response for an entire week?”, the answer is very much yes!