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Spider-Man, 4/19/18

I’m trying to figure out how exactly Spider-Man and et al. can stop JJJ from publishing his huge Lizard scoop, and I can’t, so consider dramatic tension successfully established! My only idea was that Peter Parker would try to unionize the Bugle and seize control of its editorial processes from the business side of the paper, but that requires a degree of interest in the conditions of his fellow employees that he’s never demonstrated, plus it would take a lot of effort.

Mark Trail, 4/19/18

To Serve Man … it’s a cookbook … OH MY GOD DIRTY IS PLANNING TO EAT MARK TRAIL

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Mark Trail, 4/17/18

Hey, remember Marlin’s assistant Jim, who was probably DB Cooper and/or the Zodiac Killer? Well, whichever one of those guys Jim isn’t is apparently laying low as a cabana boy at whichever beachside resort Chris “Dirty” Dyer has taken up residence in! You guys remember “Dirty,” don’t you? The rhino poacher who died but then wasn’t dead after all, and came to America seeking revenge? Last we saw him he was about to murder an erstwhile underworld pal/pharaonic cosplayer for the contents of his safe, and today’s strip might at first make you think that once he had all that loot he decided that hunting down and defeating his nemesis seems like a lot of work when he could just chill beachside for a few years instead. But no, he’s taking the opportunity to sharpen his knife-throwing skills, which I guess is what’s going to make his final confrontation with Mark sporting, like just shooting him with a gun would’ve been too easy or something.

Mary Worth, 4/17/18

Pretty amazing that Wilbur has a coffee cup that just says “DAD”, right? Like, a few weeks ago he couldn’t shut up about what a great parent he is but apparently he doesn’t believe in himself enough to drink out of a mug that says “#1 DAD” or “WORLD’S GREATEST DAD” on it. No, all that he’s willing to admit to whoever sees him at his breakfast table (i.e., nobody, for now, and probably forever) is that, yes, he does acknowledge having sired a child, and therefore is technically speaking a “dad.” Anyway, I certainly hope that phone call is from Wilbur’s editor, who’s finally gotten around to actually reading “Ask Wendy” and “Survivor Stories,” and is firing him post-haste because both are very, very bad, like just unreadably awful.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/18

With our medically themed plot finally wrapping up, Rex Morgan is moving on to a new exciting storyline: this old man is considering going to a wedding to which he was invited — but is he too busy??? Can’t wait to see all the twists and turns as this plays out!!!!!!!!

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Mark Trail, 4/14/18

OK, fine, Jim isn’t dead, but he did have a good chunk of his shirt just completely ripped off, and is now standing around awkwardly, nipple exposed to the forest breezes. If this circus storyline has taught us one thing, it’s that the woods are full of dangers that can rip your sleeve clean off, leaving your muscular upper arms sexily visible.

Marvin, 4/14/18

Marvin is a strip that, infuriatingly, bounces back and forth between its infant characters’ speech being presented in thought bubbles or straight up word balloons, and it’s a small thing I’m willing to overlook, except in cases like today, where the distinction between actual, literal speech and, like, psychic baby communication is important! Marvin has more than a five-word vocabulary! He says seven words in the first panel of this comic strip! I swear to god, they plant these just so I’ll say “No, really, go back to the jokes about shitting.”

Family Circus, 4/14/18

Ha ha, look how angry Jeffy is as Dolly embellishes on the sacred word! Looks like he’s found the heretic!

Gasoline Alley, 4/14/18

Guys, who … who does Gasoline Alley think Paris Hilton is