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Dustin, 6/7/24

“Dustin can’t get a date” is a running bit in Dustin that usually I hate because the strips on this theme inevitably happen with supposed zoomers Dustin and Fitch trying to pick up girls at a fern bar rather than each of them sitting alone in their darkened bedroom swiping through “the apps” with dead eyes. But in the bigger picture, I wonder exactly how deep we’re supposed to think Dustin’s romantic failure goes. Has he ever had a steady relationship? Had sex? Kissed anyone? And, of course, since Dustin is himself a fictional character, we must extend these questions to the creators of the strip itself, because it seems insane to me that in today’s strip this unfortunately young lady already has her hand resting on the crook of Dustin’ elbow. Why would you think someone who has agreed to a date minutes ago under duress would do this? Is this what they think a date is?

Marvin, 6/7/24

Hey, did you just get a promotion at work? Did you ever consider that this is basically the same thing as having to wipe piss and shit off of a plastic chair? Honestly, we talk so much about how gross Marvin is that I think we underrate the fact that it’s also very, very depressing.

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Marvin, 6/3/24

The very first “real job” I ever had, after I quit grad school, way back in the long past and yet futuristic sounding year of 1999, was as a copy editor for a series of tech-focused websites, none of which exist any longer. This happened more or less accidentally — the recruiter at the agency I was temping for at the time mentioned that one of the sites this company put out was called “Lie-nux World,” and one my grad school buddies had been a Linux nerd so I knew enough to correct her pronunciation, and her eyes lit up — and that was the launching point for the non-comedy-writing aspects of my subsequent career, which, to be straight with you all, represent a significant majority of my lifetime earnings to date. Anyway, though I haven’t formally held the “copy editor” title in years, I still identify very strongly with the role, as working in it got me up to speed with tech publishing and editorial processes in general. That’s why I can say without hesitation or exaggeration that, thanks to the publication of this Marvin strip where we learn what Marvin’s terrible father does for a living, this is worst day of my entire life.

Hi and Lois, 6/3/24

I like how you can tell by everybody’s facial expression that nobody finds this cute. “Oh, she wants to interrupt our precious TV time just to experience a moment of human affection? Well, too bad! She can cry herself to sleep like the rest of us!”

Alice, 6/3/24

Alice has been kidnapped by aliens and has chased after her parrot but I gotta say this is the most not OK she’s ever been. The ducks aren’t talking about you, babe! Their intellects are cool and unsympathetic, but they do not assess your appearance against human standards!

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Blondie, 4/23/24

Good lord, when’s the last time Blondie introduced a new character? Even Elmo has been around since at least 1954. Despite [gestures vaguely around] the evidence, I’m still a pretty big fan of democracy, so I urge you to log onto either of Meta Platforms, Inc.,’s two most popular websites and cast your vote for just the dumbest thing you can think of for Blondie and Irma’s new coworker, like a sullen zoomer named Braelyn or a hulking beast known as “Gortho the Destroyer.” We Can Do It! Keep Hope Alive!

Marvin, 4/23/24

This is, of course, a riff of the famous line from When Harry Met Sally that comes right after Meg Ryan has loudly simulated an orgasm in public, and I’m really not comfortable contemplating what this is supposed to mean about the sybaritic life of babies. Instead I’ll just point out that Marvin and the baby on the far left are eating recognizable food items, while the baby in the middle, the one experiencing incredible levels of delight, just has a bowl of lumpy brown goo in front of him. OK, now that I’ve written that sentence, I realize that didn’t really make me very comfortable either.

Pluggers, 4/23/24

Pain! Pain! A plugger’s life is nothing but pain! The pain leaves no room in their mind for any other thoughts or memories! Pain!