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Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/18/22

Yesterday, we learned that dogs are granted an automatic free pass into Paradise by God himself, overriding even the authority of binding and loosing granted to Saint Peter. But we were already aware of the Grimm exception to this blanket policy. Anyway, Grimm, the beloved title character of Mother Goose and Grimm, is being tormented in hell, due to sins of violence so numerous and extreme that they shocked even Satan, the Great Adversary, himself.

Mary Worth, 10/18/22

Oh, sorry, were you gleefully hoping that Iris’s rejection of Zak’s marriage proposal would throw their cross-generational romance into a tailspin? Well, you thought wrong! They’re out enjoying nature, and each other’s bodies, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Suck it, haters!

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Mary Worth, 10/9/22

Oh, God, remember when Tommy proposed to his girlfriend with an onion ring but she rejected him and then thought he had lapsed back into his druggie ways (he hadn’t) so she dumped him and then he sent an extremely ill-advised email but she took him back anyway because he got a part-time job as a hall monitor in a high school? Well, now his mother is the one doing the rejecting! Ha ha, those Beedles, they just can’t figure this marriage thing out. Anyway, I can’t really remember if Tommy and Zak have ever interacted, but I can see some real emotionally fraught bonding coming up! Hopefully they’ll invite Iris’s ex, Wilbur, a guy who knows a thing or two about having his marriage proposals rejected. “You ever think about faking your own death, Zak?” he’ll slur after several drinks too many. “Chicks love that shit, trust me.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 10/9/22

I’ve always assumed that Count Weirdly is a more or less ordinary human whose green skin is the result of some sort of genetic mutation that occurred around the time the animals took over, but now that we’ve learn that his father, who was alive during hippie times, also had green skin, and also there were four of him, I have a lot more questions on the subject.

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Mary Worth, 10/7/22

Ladies! You want to know what it takes to get a man to “put a ring [not pictured] on it”? Well, apparently you just have to cook the same simple meal that his teenage babysitter made for him years ago when he was a sad neglected child. It’s a real monkey’s paw situation, in that you get what you want but also get a very clear picture of what role exactly you play in your man’s emotional life. Anyway, I’m guessing Iris is going to put off this proposal until she can track down Nancy the babysitter and defeat her in single combat.

Gil Thorp, 10/7/22

There have been plenty of Gil Thorpian shakeups this year, but we haven’t had a chance yet to assess how they’ve affected Gil’s coaching, which is, despite appearances, what he’s actually paid to do. Well, it appears that Gil strolled into the locker room on day one of football practice and announced “If I were on offense, I would simply advance the ball more than 10 yards per set of downs, and ultimately either carry or pass it into the end zone.” And thus “the Thorp Special” was born! Looks like Goshen hasn’t figured out how to stop it yet!

Mark Trail, 10/7/22

I haven’t been super engaged in the current Mark Trail plot about a roadsider tiger “sanctuary”/cult, and, frankly, it looks like Mark hasn’t been either, and now he’s got a better offer. Wouldn’t it be great if comics characters could just peace out of stories and jump into new ones at a whim? Why not! It’s the ’20s, we’re all Zoomers with ADHD now, let’s just go with the flow, baby!

The Lockhorns, 10/7/22

“What did you serve this on … a man bun? A bun made out of man? Did you get that To Serve Man alien cookbook from that Twilight Zone episode, and use its recipes for ‘man bun’ as a guide for baking buns out of human flesh? Did you kill a bunch of men in order to cook them and feed them to me? Is our kitchen a crime scene? Are there more victims than I could possibly imagine?”