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Beetle Bailey, 5/11/21

As recently noted, Zero’s one-dimensional characterization has in the past decade or so shifted from “is very stupid” to “is a very stupid farm boy”. I for one am excited about the next stage in his evolution, to “is a very stupid farm boy who is also a deadly accurate sniper, just pumping bullet after bullet into the skulls of his enemies while maintaining that same vacant, aw-shucks grin.”

Hi and Lois, 5/11/21

Not sure why (beyond basic sexism) “humorless scold” is a common attribute assigned to little girls in comics (see also: Dolly Keane, Margaret from Dennis the Menace) but I feel like Dot has been really leaning hard into it lately, to the extent that it stops being annoying and starts being funny again. “You’re a drunk, mom, and your boring friends are all drunks” is a fine addition to Hi and Lois’s exploration of suburbia’s alcohol problem.

Mary Worth, 5/11/21

I know everything about Ashlee has been a forest of red flags so far, but today she appears to be about to eat a slice of pizza sideways, clear evidence of utter madness. She needs to be locked up in that plastic prison where they put Magneto in the first X-Men movie and studied by scientists to see what makes her tick.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/10/21

As the world’s greatest newspaper comics strip blogger and also a narcissist, I often just kind of assume that stuff in the comics is about me! I mean, sometimes it absolutely is, but more often than not it probably isn’t. So, yes, those of you with long memories might remember that my Kickstarted book The Enthusiast was released, uh, several years after my originally promised publish date. But then it came out and everyone liked it! (If this is all news to you, you should definitely buy my book.) Anyway, in probably unrelated news it turns out that beloved Kitty Cop creator Kyle Vidpa, despite being too busy to answer or even read his fan mail, is having a little bit of a writer’s block problem as he tries to churn out the next entry in his wildly successful book series. And I relate! It’s hard to do anything else when you know you’ve got a big project to finish that you’re stuck on! Frankly, this lady (his wife? assistant?) needs to back off with the passive aggression! Maybe she should spend some time forging his signature on some replies to fans, huh? That would actually be helpful!

Mary Worth, 5/10/21

My favorite thing here is that Ashlee apparently hasn’t stopped crying or didn’t bother to wipe her smeared mascara off her face for the entire duration of their trip from the hospital to Tony’s. My second favorite thing is that Drew expects her to believe that he couldn’t skip work in order to help her build her Instagram brand even though he can obviously just clock out and enjoy a leisurely pizza lunch whenever some deranged lady he’s met exactly once shows up at his workplace weeping hysterically.

Dick Tracy, 5/10/21

Hey, remember Sam Catchem’s dumb hat? The one that makes him look like a leprechaun, even though he’s canonically Jewish? Well, it’s apparently strong enough to block a sniper’s bullet blow-dart! Or maybe Abner’s dart gun just isn’t powerful enough to penetrate an ordinary hat. That’s much lamer and therefore probably closer to the truth.

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Dennis the Menace, 5/7/21

Hello, everyone! Did you know today is No Pants Day, a day when we’re all urged to donate unwanted clothes, or give to a charity that helps people who need clothes? I myself did not, but today’s syndicated comics are here to raise awareness! Honestly the strip that does the best job is Dennis the Menace, which gives you the details you need to know while also doing a joke that may be about how Dennis hopes to see Mr. Wilson with no pants, or may be about that his hope that Mr. Wilson knows it’s completely legit for him and Joey to be wandering the neighborhood fully nude from the waist down. Either possibility is pretty disturbing, and disturbing is a kind of menacing, I guess.

Marvin, 5/7/21

Marvin, meanwhile, doesn’t really bother to explain the concept of this new (?) holiday, as it’s far too eager to depict its title character’s ass crack.

The Lockhorns, Dick Tracy, and Hi and Lois, 5/7/21

Other strips, meanwhile, aren’t even mentioning the day by name, but are just taking the opportunity to depict some middle-aged men standing around in their underwear. And who can blame them? Hubba hubba!

Mary Worth, 5/7/21

Wow, seems Ashlee went full-on Fatal Attraction a lot sooner than anyone expected, huh? Anyway, Mary Worth may not be doing an explicit No Pants Day tribute, but make no mistake: based on his facial expression, Drew has definitely shat himself, and will be in the nearest linen closet changing into whatever scrubs he can find in his size in short order.