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Crankshaft, 3/12/20

QUICK RECAP ON WHAT’S UP IN CRANKSHAFT: Hannah did indeed end up giving birth in the Valentine when everyone was snowed in, and Crankshaft had apparently had to help someone give birth in a previous storyline years ago so he’s basically a midwife now, and he did it again and everyone is fine except Crankshaft then horribly threw out his back while shoveling them out of the theater. Anyway, as I’ve discussed previously, the orthographic conventions of Peanuts are burned very deeply into my brain, and I strongly associate “AUUUUUUUGH!!” with spiritual anguish, like Charlie Brown losing yet another baseball game, but I will also accept it as a signifier of intense physical pain, especially if that pain is afflicting Ed Crankshaft, one of the least likable protagonists in the comics pages, which is really saying something.

Mary Worth, 3/12/20

Jesus Christ Mary, will you stop relentlessly monitoring Dawn’s sexuality? God, she obliquely confesses just once that she’s thinking about sleeping with a married man and now you won’t get off her back. Let her live, Mary, let her live!

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Mark Trail, 3/9/20

Oh, wow, it seems these troubled children are turning on each other! They overheard Kevin admitting he didn’t have a dad and are immediately unleashing the most vicious attack a teen thug can think of: “Hey, look, fellas! A homeless kid!” Fortunately Geoff is there to set everyone straight with some tough talk, or maybe he’s just going to “level the playing field” by revealing all the socially debilitating secrets that ended with these delinquents on this hike instead of doing something fun and cool literally anywhere else. Anyway, how do you feel about the fact that you can apparently see down Geoff’s throat in the final panel? Feel kind of uncomfortable? I sure do!

Mary Worth, 3/9/20

It’s true, change is inevitable, as it’s been said! But in this case, maybe it’s … not? Like maybe Mary could ask for her preferred volunteer shift instead of just meekly acquiescing to the change? What’re they gonna do if she insists, fire her?

Between Friends, 3/9/20

Oh no! The COVID-19 virus has finally reached the funny pages! Can Between Friends be isolated before the rest of our beloved characters are infected? Fortunately the strip is set in Canada, so only the zombie For Better Or For Worse crew is in immediate danger.

Family Circus, 3/9/20

Daddy was “unavoidably detained on an out-of-town trip,” and based on the whispered conversations of adults on the subject Billy has come up with some wild ideas of what’s going on exactly, involving aliens and, I assume, rectal probes.

Pluggers, 3/9/20

PLUGGERS ARE SUNDOWNING

THEY SAID IT

THE SYNDICATED NEWSPAPER PANEL PLUGGERS SAID THIS ABOUT PLUGGERS, NOT ME, I’M JUST REPORTING IT

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Panel from Mary Worth, 3/8/20

Here it is, folks: the greatest Mary Worth throwaway panel ever created. It’s a wild swing from an emotionally resonant quote from one of the great works of classic literature to the big reveal of the title of that Star Wars parody film they’ve been nattering on about all week, which is like fourteen times dumber than any of us could’ve possibly imagined, and I for one am enjoying the ride.

Judge Parker, 3/8/20

Hey, remember when Judge Parker Senior, the title character of the strip Judge Parker, went to jail? Later he got out and that was less fun, but, hear me out: what if everyone in this strip ends up going to jail?