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Mary Worth, 3/23/17

Ahhhhhh yes, when it comes to finding bargains online, Toby sure knows how to pick them! Like the time she couldn’t find some boring-ass documentary for Ian at the video store so she had the brainstorm of ordering it online from enormoushop.com but then she got phished and criminal Canadians misused her card, which had literally zero consequences for her, but she was wracked with anxiety that Ian would leave her for her e-commerce incompetence, but it turned out that he didn’t, even though he hadn’t been particularly impressed by the documentary in the first place. What I’m trying to say is that Toby and Mary are going to go down to the Santa Royale docks where the special “low-cost cruise” is supposed to dock, only to have their organs harvested by the Serbian mob.

Crock, 3/23/17

Little Otis: still hanging out with Wadsworth the vulture, I guess? Anyway, today they’re talking about going to the mall (a vulture mall???) so that the boy can start forming romantic/sexual attachments to female vultures. Normally I think that kids today are far too sheltered, but I’m beginning to think that Otis’s parents should be providing a little more supervision in his life.

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/17

Demonstrating that the pious, simple maxims we repeat to each other and our children aren’t really compatible with the messy complexity of the human experience: definitely one of the most menacing things you can do.

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Mary Worth, 3/21/17

Ah, yes, just as predicted, Jeff would rather annoy his daughter and son-in-law than spend time with Mary on what I’m sure is a fully ADA-accessible cruise ship, which means that gal time on the high seas is go! I do like that Jeff thinks to ask if Ian is going too. Maybe’s hoping to lure the good Professor over to drink all of Adrian and Scott’s scotch and get some bro-bonding in! Sadly, Ian is out of town, so we won’t get to find out the depths of contempt in which ol’ Chinbeard holds Dr. Corey, who chose to use his doctorate to tend to vile human bodies, as opposed to plumbing the depths of English and Scots literature, as a creature pure mind would.

Family Circus, 3/21/17

It’s true: the smooth, pink, undifferentiated pink loaf-like material that makes up the Keane Kids’ bodies, now fully on display as we see them here with their shirts off, takes a while to absorb the Nutrient Fluid the technician is injecting into them. Remember kids, your weekly tune-up keeps your ghastly simulacrum of life vaguely believable!

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/18/17

So Funky walked up the hill to that mysterious abandoned house and then … spent the week walking around in it eerie emptiness? And then looked at an old painting on the wall for a while. And today, in the first dialogue of the whole week, thought-balloons some stuff that I guess is supposed to be profound but is actually just a symptom of a major depressive disorder. I honestly don’t know if this is a Significant Location From Storylines Past or just a Metaphor Symbolizing Life’s Impermanence, and I also don’t know what’s supposed to be happening here, but in a larger sense I feel like I know exactly what’s happening here, you know?

Judge Parker, 3/18/17

You’ll recall that when Derek was first introduced to this strip, he was Honey Ballinger’s boyfriend but Sophie liked him she decided to steam him away, but then suddenly (and by “suddenly” I mean “four years later,” because this is Judge Parker after all) Derek was Sophie’s boyfriend and she was worried Honey Ballinger was going to steal him away from her. This could’ve all been chalked up to the silly, transient nature of teen relationships, but as today’s final panel reveals, the question of who exactly was dating whom has abruptly become extremely serious.

Mary Worth, 3/18/17

Pretty sure that this is what you’d get if you were making a movie and directed your actors to “do a bunch of cocaine and then yell whatever comes into your head about cruises as loud and as fast as you can.”