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Mary Worth, 12/21/16

Ha! While Iris frolics with her boy-toy, look what’s become of Wilbur: he’s now a rugged, international man of action, pecking out the latest installment of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!” belowdecks on some unheated tramp steamer, with only his faithful table lamp to keep him company. Sure, Iris, Zak may be aware that women can and should have orgasms, but would he put on fingerless gloves so he could heroically continue typing a syndicated newspaper column even when it’s cold? I think not!

Beetle Bailey, 12/21/16

There some clues here about what’s really happening in this strip. The endless void in the background, the way General Halftrack is lying back in his chair with his eyes half-closed, the fact that Miss Buxley has strangely gotten larger between the two panels: he’s dying, and not a moment too soon! Is his final moments, his brain is indulging his sexual gigantism fetish, the better to send him off into the hereafter.

Mark Trail, 12/21/16

Hey, were you worried about whether that island in Mark Trail was still blowing up? Well, here’s an update: It’s still blowing up. Stay tuned for further important developments in this exploding island story.

Six Chix, 12/21/16

It’s almost Christmas and you know what that means: Lots of jokes about Santa being horny!

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Hey, everyone! Before we launch into this week’s comics, I want to draw your attention to the Mary Worth And Me blog, where faithful reader Wanders has this year’s Worthy Awards nominees up! You get to vote in a number of categories, including Best Storyline, Outstanding Performances by Guest and Recurring Characters, Outstanding Panel, and, of course, the most coveted Worthy Statuette of all, Outstanding Performance By A Floating Head. Vote early, vote often!

Beetle Bailey, 12/19/16

One of my less favorite Beetle Bailey running jokes is the “troops dress up in wacky outfits and call it ‘camouflage’” joke that pops up on the regular. Obviously an army has to learn how to blend into the natural environment, but I’m reasonably certain that nobody has gone into either combat or an army training exercise dressed as either a bipedal, armless sheep or a bale of green hay with a visible face and limbs. In this lineup of madness, Beetle’s disguise actually seems most grounded in reality: after all, the history of soliders who have defected to the enemy when expedient — and indeed become their former opponents’ biggest cheerleaders — is as long as the history of warfare.

Shoe, 12/19/16

I spent an entire lifetime of comic reading getting accustomed to a world where sapient bird-people engage in journalism and live in a tree-city where certain architectural elements resemble those developed for human civilization, but today I feel like I’ve had a pretty important additional element — that said bird people are slightly more sophisticated than us technologically, and have access to near-future innovations like self-driving cars — dumped on me with little warning. Anyway, it’s good to have my fundamental pessimism confirmed here: even when the cars drive themselves, the rest of life is still going to suck.

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Mary Worth, 12/17/16

Look, Iris, you have every right to be excited about this date and its potentially sexy aftermath, but … just don’t go into it thinking that Zak is super smart or subtle, OK? Like, based on how enormous your eyes got in panel two, I assume you think “It’s good to try new things!” is code for “We’re gonna do all the sex stuff that’s been invented in the past 15 years that you’re going to enjoy very much and that Wilbur isn’t physically capable of!” But in fact I think he really just wants you to try to squid ink pasta. Trust me, when he wants to do sexy talk, there will be no confusion or ambiguity.

Pluggers, 12/17/16

A plugger has absolutely zero loyalty to his family, to his friends, or to his country. Donuts and muffins: these are all a plugger cares about. If you aren’t a donut or a muffin, you’re on your own.