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Mary Worth, 11/24/16

Oh, man, I will be extremely thankful if we get a hot, hot May-August romance between Iris and (stifles laughter) “Zak” in this storyline. Their love begins today as they admire in wonder each other’s names, which come from such different generations! Mind you, Iris was at its least popular in the ’60s and ’70s, the window during which I assume Iris was born, and has seen a real surge in the past 10 years, so I guess Zak is a pretty typical college student in that he doesn’t know any old people or children. Meanwhile, Iris already thinks Zak has a dope (as the kids say) name now, and keep in mind that she’s just hearing this spoken aloud, so she probably assumes he spells it “Zach,” like a normal person. Once she he texts her his info, the hip, edgy spelling “Zak” is going to blow her mind, unless she assumes it’s a typo.

Beetle Bailey, 11/24/16

You know what I’ve always been thankful for? That Rocky was just kind of a sullen, guitar-strumming dick who didn’t have a tragic backstory that explained why he was the way he was. Well, that’s over now, so thanks a lot, Beetle Bailey. (Because today’s Thanksgiving, I feel I need to clarify that “thanks a lot” there was meant to be the sarcastic kind of “thanks a lot.”)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/24/16

Hey, ever notice how Rex and June don’t seem to have any family they’re close to, or good friends other than Heather? Just thought I’d point that out for no reason, as they cluster at one end of what appears to be a long, empty table on Thanksgiving!

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Judge Parker, 11/23/16

Just so you know, Sam is going full-on Failure-To-Shave/Making-A-Bulletin-Board-Of-Clues Crazy over Sophie’s disappearance. And I assume the man he refuses to represent is Garrick Panini? Sam, Sam, Panini’s chock full of clues! This is your best chance to find out the truth! Pull apart his toasted outsides and look at the gooey, delicious information within, metaphorically!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/23/16

Having failed to successfully bag a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, Snuffy and Lukey are just going to rob the general store at gunpoint.

Blondie, 11/23/16

Wow, Dagwood’s doing a lot of projection here. I think we all know who does and does not have a crypto-sexual fixation on food in this family.

The Lockhorns, 11/23/16

I know this isn’t the sort of thing I usually say, but … maybe The Lockhorns should dial back the existential despair? Maybe just a little.

Mark Trail, 11/23/16

Guys, the island in Mark Trail is still just straight-up exploding! I guess if you need to put more stuff on your list of things to be thankful for, “non-stop explosions in Mark Trail” is a good one to add near the top.

Mary Worth, 11/23/16

Very excited to get a close-up on these guys we first saw yesterday. I think we can say it definitively now: this is Mary Worth’s idea of what young people look like.

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Mary Worth, 11/22/16

My goodness, the corpse of Iris and Wilbur’s relationship is barely cold and look who just waltzed into her life? It’s a hunky fellow student who can match Wilbur’s chest hair but also sports luxurious locks and a roguish, manly stubble. Plus he knows that chivalry isn’t dead! You can tell because he refrained from saying “You dropped your extremely dopey hat!”

The Mary Worth house art style may have changed, but it’s still kind of impossible to tell how old anyone is, so I’m not sure if this handsome he-hunk is supposed to be an older student, like Iris, or if she’s just decided that if it’s OK for Wilbur to date her, it’s more than OK for her to date a twenty-year-old. Anyway, I like the smiles of approval the hip (?) young (????) couple of college students are bestowing upon them from the background.

Dick Tracy, 11/22/16

So, yeah, I don’t know how much detail I covered it in here, but the thing with Mysta Chimera is that she’s not actually the original dead Moon Maid who was Dick’s daughter-in-law, but is rather some other lady who was genetically modified to think that she’s Moon Maid by someone who I forgot for purposes I no longer remember. Anyway! Turns out she’s the weird old gangster dude’s daughter? Mostly I wanted to show you this strip because I find it funny how much more Mindy Ermine looks like a terrifying space alien than Mysta Chimera does.

Spider-Man, 11/22/16

Definitely one of my favorite parts of Newspaper Spider-Man is Peter’s reactions of entirely unmoored horror whenever his wife suggests perfectly nice things. “Drive to California? But … we’re so close to Premier Silver status on United! That means complimentary Economy Plus seating as long as seats are available at check-in! This is a disaster for us!”