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Mary Worth, 4/15/16

Harlan dropped the “my dead wife” bomb on Dawn, confessed he’s remained single for the past five years because nobody could possible compare to his beloved, departed Sharon, and then lobbed “enough about me” back at Dawn, which admittedly seems to call for a really emotionally present response. Still, I’m not sure if this is the way to go. “Oh yeah, I’m not dating right now either! Because, uh, I need to focus on myself, you know, but I’m definitely gonna have sex! Again! Definitely not for the first time! And, uh, soon, probably!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/15/16

Dolly Pierpont has up till this point almost always appeared in widow’s weeds, mourning for the husband who died and left her alone (and also in charge of his sprawling, brutal mob kingdom). Today, though, the mourning has ended, and she’s gotten herself all glammed up. Is she seeking a new consort for her empire of crime? Her chauffer/enforcer seems to think so, but he’s out of luck.

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Dick Tracy, 4/13/16

If there’s one thing we associate with Dick Tracy, it’s gruesome, authoritarian violence, but if there’s one other thing we associate with Dick Tracy, it’s oddly-shaped criminals with really on-the-nose names. But generally those names have at least a bit of fun wordplay involved. Like Professor Glitch! See, because he works with computers, and computers have glitches, sometimes! Or Matty Squared, who appears to be some kind of artificial intelligence housed in a basically square casing! That’s why I’m actively offended by the current boss of the strip’s bad guy hierarchy, Mr. Bribery. See, they call him that because he … bribes people? I assume? I actually don’t think we’ve ever seen him bribe anybody. Is supposed to be … ironic? Maybe?

Lockhorns, 4/13/16

I’m pretty sure that this joke would work better if Leroy were actually smiling. But then, this may just be a case where Loretta’s long experience with Leroy’s misery blinds her to what others see. She can parse where Leroy is on his emotional spectrum, which ranges from “suicidally miserable” to “briefly capable of seeing how a third party might enjoy my life as an ironic farce,” but to everyone else, a crumplefrown is just a crumplefrown.

Judge Parker, 4/13/16

This whole is-Rocky-cheating-on-Godiva-or-isn’t-he plot has been super boring, mostly because it’s all taken place off panel while our heroes endlessly rehash their limited information on the subject. I would argue that the way to jazz it up would be to actually show us what Rocky’s up to, and not, in the direction that we appear to be going here, to have the characters endlessly rehash their limited information on the subject while casually taking off their shirts.

Mary Worth, 4/13/16

WHEW, FALSE ALARM EVERYBODY

HARLAN JONES IS HETEROSEXUAL, BEREAVED, AND OWNS AN ADORABLE DOG

STUDENT-TEACHER MACKING MAY COMMENCE

(the less said about this strip’s first-ever attempt to depict Dawn’s boobs, and to do so from a “dog’s-eye view,” the better)

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Gil Thorp, 4/12/16

Welp, this year’s long and fairly dull basketball season is now over in Gil Thorp, which means we’ve moved on to … baseball/softball season! And after a single day of red-hot spring training action, watching teenagers run out grounders while their bored coaches shout “good hustle” in their general direction, we now jump to Central City, where an avuncular gentleman wants to get amiably blotto after a hard day working the phones to keep his big triethylene glycol buyers happy. Would I be pleased if we just followed this guy around for the next six to eight weeks and didn’t spend any time with high school jocks at all? I’m willing to find out!

Mary Worth, 4/12/16

Whoa whoa whoa, sexy substitute art history lecturer Harlan Jones, who has gone from zero to private home yoga session with Dawn in about 72 hours, lives with a man … named Alfie … in a possibly romantic way???? [comical B-O-I-O-I-O-I-O-I-N-G sound effect] This explains why he suddenly looks like Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury in that last panel. It is fairly shocking to think that Mary Worth might acknowledge that heterosexuality isn’t the only romantic configuration available, so we may just be in for a lecture about how contingent faculty are paid so little that they have to live with roommates in grim orange-painted concrete apartment buildings that make Charterstone look like an Architectural Digest cover, but either way it seems like we’re not going to get a prof/student forbidden love plot after all.