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Mary Worth, 12/8/24

Hello, fellow young people! Like me (a young person), you have no doubt been using the word “cringe” in its relatively new slang sense, as either an adjective meaning something embarrassing or awkward, or as a noun to denote something that inspires the feeling described by the adjective. This is a use of the word that we young people like to deploy on social media sites such as TikTok and [what are the other ones? Is TikTok still what young people like? double-check this].

Sadly, however, we’re all going to have to stop using the word that way, because Wilbur Weston just did, in the comic strip Mary Worth! Ironically, this act itself is incredibly cringe. That’s the last time I’ll use that word in that way; now, as a young person, I will be moving on to new forms of slang that are inscrutable to the many, many people who are older than me.

Pardon My Planet, 12/8/24

Hello, fellow young people! Are you familiar with the hot new musical film Wicked? Fun fact: it’s actually a prequel to another film, The Wizard of Oz, and this syndicated newspaper cartoon is a joke about the characters from that older movie! You’d think it’d be more direct to just do a joke about Wicked, the movie that’s currently popular, but that would require some research to determine what exactly its characters look like, and that sort of effort simply isn’t part of the Pardon My Planet game plan.

Daddy Daze, 12/8/24

Good news, everyone! The Daddy Daze daddy is dead. The Daddy Daze baby captured and killed him. Now, does this mean the Daddy Daze baby will soon himself die, from neglect? Unclear. He’s a baby, so normally I’d say yes, but he managed to capture and kill his father, so he has powers and capabilities beyond those of ordinary babies.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/8/24

Hey guys, if you’re so scared, why don’t you attack the castle during the day? Idiots.

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Marvin, 12/7/24

Black Friday? Enh. Small business Saturday? Whatever. Cyber Monday? Who cares. The real biggest shopping day of the year, as anyone tapped into the retail scene knows, is December 7th, the day that shall live in infamy. Millions of Americans will spend the day solemnly remembering the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor by buying a bunch of shitty presents for their spouses that their spouses won’t like. It’s the reason for the season!

Mary Worth, 12/7/24

The thing about today’s Mary Worth is that it’s pretty funny as is but it’s really funny if you imagine every line being barked out as mirthlessly and sarcastically as possible. Give it a shot! Imagine that these two really dislike each other at the level of intensity that normal people would dislike Mary Worth and/or Wilbur Weston!

Hi and Lois, 12/7/24

I agree that snitching is bad, Ditto, but writing your name on the cookie box was a terrible choice. You just lost all plausible deniability! You self-snitched, which is just embarrassing.

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Mary Worth, 12/3/24

It can be hard to remember sometimes that Wilbur doesn’t dedicate his full energy to being a sad loser with a host of emotional problems; he also has an ostensible job as a newspaper columnist, simultaneously acting, against all good sense, as an advice columnist, something he has no qualifications for, and, separately, as a chronicler of the lives of people who have survived disasters, a job he secured after he himself almost died in a cruise ship disaster (no, not the one you’re thinking of, I’m talking about the one before that). Anyway, Wilbur is going to Florida for two weeks to interview hurricane survivors, which is the sort of thing a lot of people would use as a thin excuse to basically go on a Florida vacation, except that immediately afterwards he’s going to actually go on a Florida vacation. Florida as a state has a lot to answer for, but I frankly don’t believe they deserve this.

Beetle Bailey, 12/3/24

It’s a good thing America’s enemies don’t read the comics, because otherwise they’d learn that, much like 19th century Ireland, the U.S. Army is overly dependent on a single crop, and the introduction of, say, a water mold that could infect that crop would rapidly degrade our military readiness and leave us vulnerable to invasion! But America’s enemies are very much like Americans in a number of ways, one of which is that they generally do not read the newspaper comics. Surely this is something we could bond over, which in turn could transform enmity into friendship!