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Apartment 3-G, 9/11/11

On this solemn day of remembrance, it seems trivial to mock the comics. And yet we must acknowledge that one particular comic is helping us heal. What better way to honor the memory of those who died on 9/11 than to browbeat some unwilling girl into marrying you just because she doesn’t want to make you look like a jerk in front of your family? NEVER FORGET 9/11/11: the day Paul’s jet planes of love crashed into Lu Ann’s heart.

Mary Worth, 9/11/11

Or you could have Mary Worth call you! I’m sure that’s very comforting. “Hmm, that’s odd, Lois never seems to be home when I call to talk to her about her dead son. Could she be avoiding me? No, that world require some kind of advanced technology that would allow you to identify a caller before you answer the phone. Guess I’ll just keep leaving voice mail messages, about death!”

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Family Circus, 9/7/11

I have to admit that I’m delighted at the look of unalloyed maniac joy on Dolly’s face in this panel. It’s fun to imagine her methodically pulling these tissues out of the box, one by one, faster and faster, shouting the latest count out at the top of her lungs. This is the sort of behavior normally associated with the abuse of amphetamine-based stimulants, but I’m sure the Keane parents are far too protective to allow anything like that in the house, so we have to assume that something is just terribly wrong with poor Dolly’s brain chemistry.

Mary Worth, 9/7/11

In case you were wondering, Mary has hit the full-on platituding stage of her latest meddle. “Where there is love, there can be no fear! Only crushing, suicidal disappointment when you discover that your childhood love has moved on with someone else. What have you got to lose, except for all of your treasured hopes and dreams?”

Pluggers, 9/7/11

Wait a minute … pluggers would never eat fancy elitist foreign food from un-American places like “Belgium” or “Denver.” FALSE PLUGGERS! UNCLEAN!

Spider-Man, 9/7/11

“Really, I’m kind of out of it … I’m not sure where I am or what I’m doing … but I’m going to be an aggressive dick about it!” THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, EVERYBODY!

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Judge Parker, 8/27/11

The Judge Parker cast is so uniformly and repulsively wealthy — look, Sam and Abbey are walking past the enormous pillars on the front of their house, built to a scale previously only seen on the palaces of the most decadent Roman emperors, and are trying to figure out something pointless they can buy with the yet more money that’s being thrown at them — that the only reason I can keep from hating them utterly is because I’m amused by their sexlessness. Oh, it may look as if Abbey is going to successfully woo Sam up her giant dominatrix staircase and have her way with him, but don’t worry, someone will pass out or something, maybe because of the fumes coming off all the freshly printed $100 bills that they have lying around.

Mary Worth, 8/27/11

Mary of course hates and fears the Internet, which will stop her from offering Gina the most obvious piece of advice for her situation, which is of course that she should look her dumb old childhood sweetheart up on the Internet to find out if he’s single or not. “That certainly is a tragic story, dear. Say, why don’t you call up that gentleman who gave you his phone number the other day? He doesn’t seem like an unrepentant sex offender.”

Pluggers, 8/27/11

Pluggers wouldn’t dare disobey their corporate masters, but they sure seem to piss off their wives a lot.

Hey, everyone, I’m out of town for a brief break — Sunday and Monday comics will go up Monday evening sometime.