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Judge Parker, 12/9/07

OK, Judger Parker, we get it, we get it. There’s something significant about these damn brownies, seeing as the dialog and the authorial gaze has lingered on them for most of this week. If this were an exciting strip, they’d be laced with knockout drugs so that Abbey’s plane-flying, chicken-growing neighbors could kidnap her for their nefarious purposes, or perhaps some kind of mind-control serum so that they could force her to do her bidding. But this is Judge Parker, so perhaps the message they’re trying to get across is that “brownies are yummy.”

Mary Worth, 12/8/07

Chester the dog: Hero, or greatest hero in American history?

Panel from Spider-Man, 12/8/07

Not to get ahead of myself on the comments of the week, but nothing I could say about this awesome panel can possibly match this from faithful reader Gold-Digging Nanny:

The comics syndicate should just eliminate Spider-Man’s bio from their website and substitute today’s panel two. That’s all you ever need to know about Spider-Man.

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Hi and Lois, 12/7/07

I’m the sort of guy who always looks on the bright side of things. Take, for instance, the bursting of the housing bubble in the United States. Sure, it’s causing a lot of problems for anyone trying to sell their house, as well as those employed in the housing and construction industries — and the associated implosion of the subprime lending market is probably going to destroy the world economy and have us eating old turnips and beans out of a can by 2009 — but, thanks to the recent (in legacy comic strip terms) move to have Lois of Hi and Lois get a job as a realtor, it adds a nice occasional note of contemporary desperation to this otherwise bland and hoary feature. Sure, today it’s gimmicks like apple pie and cash incentives, but surely it won’t be long before Lois has to choose: either she offers her lovely fortysomething body as a “sweetener” to close the deal on an exurban four-bedroom, or she has to decide which of the twins gets to go to college.

Mark Trail, 12/7/07

Hmm, Mark seems to have decided to challenge Rex Morgan for the coveted Dick of the Month Award. He’s finally getting around to finding out whether or not Bull Malone has any surviving kin — not because he gives a rat’s ass about how bereft they are over having just lost a handsome and successful loved one, who, for the record Johnny Malotte obviously killed — but because he’s trying he’s trying to find some other poor sap on whom to hang this cold-blooded murder. Obviously Andy was brought along for his expertise in evidence tampering.

Mark is allowed in Johnny’s holding cell because of the sacred bond of Outdoorsman Advocate-client confidentiality. Mrs. Johnny is there because the schedule for spawning more raven-haired Malotte offspring cannot be altered by any mere legal proceeding. I note also that Johnny has been allowed to keep his suspenders in the clink; perhaps the local authorities hope that he’ll save them the expense of a trial by hanging himself with them.

Mary Worth and Marmaduke, 12/7/07

Good Lord, could Mary get any smugger? Even her fantasies are thick with loathsome self-regard, as she imagines Chester positively vibrating with delight at the sight of the largest, cheapest bag of dog food she could find at the discount supermarket. On the other hand, at least ACME dog food is probably just bland and lacking in nutrients, as opposed to the actively disgusting BARFOO food that Marmaduke’s owner is feeding him. Of course, Mary claims to actually like Chester, whereas I have to imagine that Marmaduke’s owner’s attitude towards his enormous, destructive pet is a toxic mix of hatred and terror.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/6/07

Oh, Margo! A single cutting remark from you sends my heart a-flutter more than any dopey six-week lead-up to Tommie getting to first base! And I’ve never loved you more than I do in today’s first panel. “Looking out for each other? Being loving and supportive in a family environment? That frankly strikes me as a lot of hassle. That’s why I alienate everyone who ever tries to love me — less work!” By panel three, Margo has adopted an expression of palpable scheming that’s equally hilarious. Many (including myself) have speculated that Margo will make Ruby her mule in her party-planning or art-displaying sweatshops, but now I think that our gal Magee is planning yet another career in the high-flying Manhattan service industry: she-pimp! “So, if Ruby was so happy to show affection to her family … for free … surely she’ll have no problem with showing affection … to strangers … for money!”

(Yes, I know that the English language already has in “madame” a perfectly serviceable word for a female who manages prostitutes. But I think the word “pimp” implies a certain callousness and propensity for violence that better suits Margo.)

Mary Worth, 12/6/07

Oh, Dr. Jeff, will you ever learn? You just got a response out of Mary that would allow you to extract some shred of dignity out of this conversation. Don’t push it. For the love of God, don’t push it. Mary’s comically exaggerated head-tilted finger-to-the-jawline contemplation pose is only going to end with her saying something blistering and humiliating.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/6/07

I actually kind of like Anthony’s “Are you going home?” question, because it implies that maybe, somehow, I know this is crazy, but just possibly two FBOFW characters who aren’t married and who aren’t terrible, awful whores might have sex! Oh, who am I kidding, they were just going to sit on the couch and chastely smooch on the lips. And those lips would be closed. And little Francie acted as an agent of a vengeful, pleasure-hating God of Foob and prevented even that. But it’s Anthony and Elizabeth and I don’t want anything good to happen to them anyway so I don’t really care.

Dennis the Menace, 12/6/07

So, wait, Margaret has a book lying around that’s essentially all about death? Maybe there’s hope for her yet.

Slylock Fox, 12/6/07

Man, you gotta feel bad for Count Weirdly. There are enough bizarre tchotchkes and strange animals in his lair to provide fodder for a scrambled word puzzle even if all he was doing was sitting around minding his own business and reading Famous Creeps. Instead, here comes Slylock and Max and some angry heron or something busting in to ruin his quiet evening with more wild accusations. Since there’s no mystery to solve, his crime is probably much more straightforward than usual — like, maybe he just exposed himself to her down at the park or something.

Garfield, 12/6/07

NEWSFLASH: COMICS CURMUDGEON CHUCKLES AT GARFIELD, QUESTIONS HIS WHOLE CONCEPT OF HOW THE UNIVERSE WORKS