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The Phantom, 9/18/20

It appears that Kadia is trying to resist her destiny as the heir to her father’s terrorist empire and the future archnemesis of future Phantomess Heloise by rejecting her mother and, more specifically, all that sweet cash that the Nomad raised via terrorism (?) and stashed in various Swiss bank accounts and/or safe houses full of euros that his wife still controls. Kadia will only accept virtuous handouts, like those from the Walkers, who get their money by occasionally selling priceless cultural artifacts hoarded over the centuries on the black market, Diana’s salary for whatever UN job she does (which there’s a 50-50 chance on any given days it’ll involve numerous compromises with various dictators and warlords), and the presumably lucrative “Unknown Commander” protection racket.

Crankshaft, 9/18/20

OK, when this was just a store going out of business it was all fun and games, but store cats out of work and with nowhere to go? I will not stand for this, it is monstrous, how dare you

Mark Trail, 9/18/20

Meanwhile, America’s #1 syndicated nature comic strip currently in (temporary?) reruns is here to make us think hard about our whole relationship with our pets. Sure, Mark is very attached to Andy, a “great animal,” but who mourns for the rabbit, about to be killed and eaten by a … fox? sure, let’s say fox. That’s just nature’s way! Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (If anything happens to Andy or Felix, there will be blood and it’ll be human blood, just saying.)

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The 2020 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser has ended — thank you, generous readers!

Well, pretty much all the newspaper comics have caught up with social distancing, personal protective equipment, and the whole shebang. No more escape from reality for us!

Six Chix 9/12/20

In this Slylock Fox prequel, it is only the animals’ disciplined hygiene that protects them against the plague that wipes out careless, inconsiderate humanity.

Zits 9/12/20

It’s ironic: the cheerleaders conceal their hotness to ensure that only the hot survive. Also, those outfits look hot, though not in a hot way.

Sherman’s Lagoon 9/12/20

Too grim? Then let’s all come together as a nation to tell this chirpy usurper that the one and only NOAA mascot is always and forever Mark Trail.

Funky Winkerbean 9/12/20

Nah, he’s still right behind you.

Phantom, 9/12/20

Charles Darwin once inferred the existence of a moth with an 11-inch proboscis from an orchid with an 11-inch nectary. By that same principle of complementarity, I infer that the 22^nd Phantom will be [trumpets] Heloise Walker. Well that and the fact that I’ve been ‘shipping her for this for fourteen years.

A legendary hero/ine must have a nemesis, and Kadia Sahara is clearly emerging as Heloise’s. Kadia has:

• Terrorist DNA from her father, Eric THE NOMAD Sahara.
• Profound Daddy issues — Eric tried to murder Heloise, her college BFF/roomie.
• A complex backstory and relationship with the hero/ine — Heloise is Kadia’s BFF, but beat up her Dad and put him in Gitmo.
• As Imara announces here, Kadia now has access to global resources and connections that allow her to usurp her father’s role and carry out his mission

A couple of details need to be worked out, not least of which is there are now TWO terrorist masterminds imprisoned by the Walkers: Chatu in Wambesiland and Eric THE NOMAD in Gitmo. But it’s easily resolved: The Elder Phantom frees them both to “let them settle it” or some such nonsense; they fight it out for control of the organization; Chatu wins (have you SEEN that guy?); Kadia sneaks up and kills him in her supervillainess-defining moment, and takes over. Then Kadia knocks off Elder Phantom, Heloise swears a blood oath, young Kit takes another bong hit, yadda yadda yadda. All hail Kadia, THE NEWMAD.

An earlier, incomplete version of this post appeared early yesterday morning because I scheduled it to the wrong date. That’s right, I literally forgot about 9/11.

— Uncle Lumpy, America’s Worst American

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Curtis, 9/5/20

Classic misdirection — the weed is under the mattress. And he probably smokes the banana peels, too.

Dennis the Menace, 9/5/20

Using his media platform to trash a hallowed American brand: pretty menacing! You can almost hear him growl, “You’re next, Sara Lee.”

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/5/20

In the sex-based economy of 9 Chickweed Lane, the unit of currency is the Boink. But after 12 years’ relentless overcopulation of the money supply, that currency has become utterly debased.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/5/20

And by, “the planet,” I mean, “whatever is in my field of vision right now.” [To self] “I wonder where people go when I turn my head.”

Judge Parker, 9/5/20

Still more useless word-gunk. If this Producer gig doesn’t work out, Ellen can get a job in Corporate HR anywhere in the World.

Phantom, 9/5/20

I am totally asking Aunt Lumpy’s stylist to give her some of that awesome sea-hair!

— Uncle Lumpy